In Oliver Twist, Mr Brownlow informs Mr Bumble the Beadle that the law supposed that Mrs Bumble had acted under her husband’s direction. “If the law supposes that,” said Mr. Bumble, squeezing his hat emphatically in both hands, “the law is a ass – a idiot. If that’s the eye of the law, the law is a bachelor; and the worst I wish the law is, that his eye may be opened by experience- by experience.” Heaven knows what Mr Bumble would have made of the trial of Vicky Pryce, in which a jury was supposed to decide whether she had perverted the course of justice in 2003 by claiming that she, and not her former husband, ex Cabinet Minister Chris Huhne, had been the driver of a speeding car. She took the penalty points and Chris kept his licence. He has already pleaded guilty but Vicky says she acted under marital coercion. After four days of deliberating three days of evidence, the jury presented Mr Justice Sweeney with a list of asinine questions and he showed great forbearance in not locking them up for rank stupidity. We are always being told that Britain has the best legal system in the world because we have the right to trial by a jury of our peers, and it may be so in most cases, but in this case WTF wants some new peers because if one or two members of the Pryce jury are her peers, she has either become a root vegetable or they were on a one way trip to La La Land. Amongst the questions posed were (i) can we convict on evidence that was never presented to us (answer, of course not) and (ii) can we acquit on the basis that it wasn’t her at all but an alien from the Planet Zog which used its intergalactic powers to look like her (OK, I made that last one up). Eventually the jury had to be discharged as they could not agree even on a majority verdict of 10-2, causing His Lordship to remark that he had seen nothing like it in 30 years and that the jury appeared to have been “deficient”, which is Judge-speak for “well thick”. A retrial has been ordered for Monday. However, there is a genuine point of public interest arising from all of this. Vicky is perfectly entitled to rely on the defence of marital coercion but the defence itself is a hangover from the days when the Mr Bumbles of this world were presumed to control their wives and so only wives can claim it. If you are the most henpecked husband in the history of husbands, tough. If you are a civil partner of either sex or part of an unmarried couple, tough. The way this is going then once the equal marriage bill goes through, one half of a female couple might be able to avail herself of the defence but not one half of a male couple. If the law treats the sexes and their sexual preferences as equal, then either everyone should be able to advance this defence or no one should. Meanwhile, perhaps we should introduce an intelligence test for juries. Question 1 – what is the difference between you and Hercule Poirot (apart from him being Belgian and fictitious?) Question 2 – do you hear voices coming out of the radiator?
The Pryce jury was not the only shocking thing this week. People kept turning up on the Red Carpet in the most extraordinary outfits. Let us start with actress and model Liberty Ross at the Topshop Party in LA.
You have only to look at the lack of dress to know that it is designed by WTF bugbear Anthony Vaccarello, a man who never knowingly leaves a body part covered if he can avoid it. Although there is hardly a top and hardly a skirt and it is made out of iridescent green tinfoil and is an utterly hideous waste of $1,030, Liberty obviously felt that by wearing it she could show cheating ratfink soon-to-be-ex-husband Rupert Saunders (the one who had it off with Kristen Stewart) that he, like Othello, “threw away a pearl richer than all its tribe”. Liberty, love, he already knows that. Just put your clothes back on and take those shoes off before you damage your circulation.
Now we have former basketball superstar Dennis Rodman.
Dennis is seen here promoting his new children’s book (who knew?) on the Jay Leno show in a most colourful ensemble. But then Dennis has had a colourful life. He has had “issues” with alcohol and arrests and all sorts and has been married three times, including to Carmen Electra for a whole nine days. There is something rather adorable, albeit highly disconcerting, about a man of 6′ 7″ wearing a bright floral jacket like a piece of the backdrop to The Magic Roundabout. Click on the link to see what I mean…..
Ed is a talented boy but he is murdering the life out of this Burberry suit. Pudgy men should not squeeze themselves into shiny blue satin, and shiny blue satin should not be worn with Nike trainers. If Fairyland had nightclub bouncers, this is what a nightclub bouncer in Fairyland would look like. Next time, Ed might consider taking a size up and having his trousers shortened.
At the skimmed milk end of the guests was Preeya Kalidas off EastEnders.
To be fair, Preeya has starred in musicals and she started making an album in 2010 which was postponed due to “work commitments”, whatever those may be. The woman is one of the worst dressed people on the planet so WTF was happy to see her living down to her sartorial standards. There is probably a very good reason why Preeya chose to come to the ceremony dressed in strips of liquorice revealing buckets of cleavage and sporting a pony-tail like a length of acrylic rope. It is just that WTF does not know what it is.
Now we have former Pussycat Doll and new media darling, Ashley Roberts in the now-obligatory sheer skirt nastiness.
In these days of austerity, Ashley is to be applauded for wrapping a dyed net curtain around a strapless swimsuit and holding it in place with a metallic belt (this also saves on the price of a zip). WTF is more taken, however, by Ashley’s hair which looks like a dead gerbil on a funeral pyre.
Bringing up the rear, literally, is Rita Ora wearing a quite preposterous dress by Ulyana Sergeenko.
In The Fugitive, Tommy Lee Jones remarked that “You know, we’re always fascinated when we find leg-irons with no legs in them.” Equally, WTF is fascinated by a bustle with no cushion in it, and more than that, by the tackiness of the whole ensemble, complete with side boob, tattoo and what looks suspiciously like an unfinished seam or two. However, proving that there is no end (sorry) to her talents, it seems that Rita is also a magician, as this picture shows.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa in apricot satin. Now there’s a novelty.
Finally, meet costume designer Julie Vogel at the Costume Designers Guild Awards. Please brace yourselves as WTF usually receives a barrage of abuse following pictures of something as putrid as this…..
Close your eyes and imagine Demi Moore tattooed to within an inch of her life with a top hat, an ill-fitting and creased taffeta frock, pop socks and copper-gold sandals. Then make an appointment with a psychiatrist.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. There were some top comments last week so keep them coming. We will meet again next Friday where the Oscar Red Carpet awaits us. If Tommy Lee Jones does not win Best Supporting Actor, WTF will not be responsible for her actions…..
Looking forward to Benny Hill lookalike Ed Sheeran’s new single, Ernie, the Fastest Milkman in the West.
The people in the restaurant where I am sat in Courchevel at lunchtime today think I am completely bonkers as I howl out loud. Brilliant! Julie Vogel takes the proberbial biscuit. Quelle horreur indeed. X