Thank you for all your votes in the poll for the WTF Christmas Turkey. You will find the winner at the end of this week’s blog. After all, there is nothing wrong with a bit of tension….
This week, the BBC is back where it most likes to be, namely with its head stuck up its arse whilst examining the intricate workings of its innards. This is because of the publication of two reports administering a well-deserved kicking. The first was an independent report about the first Newsnight programme burying a film which exposed vile pervert Jimmy Savile as a rapist and paedophile, which he was, and the second Newsnight programme which, in trying to make amends for cockup that was the first Newsnight programme, libelled an innocent man by branding him as a paedophile, which he wasn’t. WTF went into the whole sorry saga in WTF Monochrome Special. This new report concluded that the BBC management was crap, that the Director-General hadn’t bothered to read important emails as he was counting his bank balance that week and the whole operation had been a total shambles from beginning to end. The BBC sprang into action immediately. Various useless and overpaid bigwigs, grown fat on the public purse, have been severely punished by moving them sideways to other jobs on the same salary, pension arrangements and humungous taxi allowances. You can just imagine the coverage, with presenters and reporers discussing each other endlessly and flaying themselves and their colleagues like a sadomasochists’ convention. The acting D-G, an oily type who looks like a suburban estate agent trying to flog a house which has been too long on the market, slithered and slimed his way through the inevitable Newsnight post-mortem and everyone blamed everyone else and everything was everyone else’s fault. This introspective wankfest will probably last longer than the Royal Pregnancy, with the former having the same effect on the viewers and listeners as the latter is having upon poor Kate. Some executives, including the former D-G, have already jumped ship, swimming off to the safety of their fat pay-offs. The House of Commons Public Accounts Committee (Public. That’s the point here. It is Public money) has just come down with a bad case of financial hyperemesis on reading the details of the various pay-offs and also issued a swingeingly critical report, which led to another outbreak of looking-up-the-arsery yesterday. WTF was attempting to eat her breakfast whilst listening to combative BBC Chairman, Lord Patten, explaining that of course they had to give everyone double their contractual entitlement to go away (plus paying their PR fees, their cab fare home and a nice lunch at Claridges) because everyone knows that once lawyers get involved it all gets more expensive anyway, and so what if they were crap at their job, why does that mean that they are not entitled to loads and loads of wonga? At this point, WTF started feeing a bit queasy herself…Now the BBC is taking legal advice whether they can recoup some of the former D-G’s pay-off. Presumably this advice is coming from the same lawyers who urged payment of the money in the first place. You couldn’t make it up. Re-arrange the following words into a well known phrase “door the after stable horse has shutting bolted the”.
Speaking of queasy, this week WTF brings you an all-male line-up in response to your requests. WTF is all about giving, especially in this festive season. You may recall The Kinks’ classic song, Dedicated Follower of Fashion. Click on the link and have a singalong. The saddos who appear below are all examples of DFFs and they all look like knobs. In order to attract attention, men must either wear something expensive and quite beautifully cut (think Daniel Craig as Bond in his Tom Ford dinner jacket, looking like a piece of terrific) or go in for something eccentric or wacky and run the risk of looking like a complete pillock. Like this lot. Children – don’t try this at home. .
We kick off with singer Adam Lambert. I mean, look at him.
Oh dear. The demonic eyebrows and pointy beard bring to mind the worst excesses of Alan Rickman in Robin Hood Prince of Thieves but WTF takes much more exception to the leopardskin shirt and shoes combo and the manky fur coat last seen on war-time entertainer Bud Flanagan. He liked a manky fur coat as well, but he was just taking the piss. What do you mean you’ve never heard of him? He was the one who sang Who Do You Think You Are Kidding Mr Hitler, the theme tune for Dad’s Army. Here is Bud and you can click on the link for a bit of nostalgia whilst you are at it.
Next up we return to the little wiener that is Justin Bieber.
Apparently the FBI has just foiled a plot to castrate Justin. How would anyone have been able to tell? WTF cannot see the point of Justin, who appears to be wearing clothes designed for a Justin Bieber doll rather than for the actual Justin Bieber. There are the oversized sunglasses over Justin’s perfectly arched little eyebrows and the ridiculous cravat like some 1950’s lounge lizard. There is the artfully arranged gold chain, so large that even P Diddy would balk at it. There are the harem pants that make him look even shorter in the leg department than he already is but are large enough to accommodate a giant nappy and then there are the massive co-ordinated trainers that seem to belong to a much larger person. And then there is that annoying little pout. Let’s be honest here. He is a tool. Even Gandhi would have strangled him. (OK, I nicked that line from Ruthless People, a WTF favourite, but it is a good line and it deserves an airing. Whatever happened to Judge Reinhold?)
It has been a great year for Olympic athletes but the BBC Sports Personality of the Year was a bad night for gymnast Louis Smith, wearing a suit from the Vivienne Westwood 2013 Spring collection.
Louis is a good looking boy but even a man with the body of an Adonis cannot get away with this suit, which is sort of Clark Kent meets the Nation of Islam. You remember the Nation of Islam, that bow-tied lot who gathered round Michael Jackson during his trial for kiddie fiddling. The jacket seems to have been borrowed from Justin Bieber as it seems a touch small. And if you are going to wear a bow tie, at least tie it straight. WTF spent 3 minutes trying to adjust her screen before she realised that it was the tie that was crooked…
Actor and former child star Corey Feldman has graced these pages before, then wearing a see-through blue voile shirt accessorised by two titsy bimbos but this effort is really bad.
Corey looks like as an extra from Woodstock and he also appears to have a disembowelled black poodle on his head. On closer inspection one sees that the kaftan thingie appears to be partially CROCHETED and it has CUTOUT SLEEVES and looks like it has not seen the inside of a washing machine for some time. There are two other black marks against him. Black Mark One, wearing sunglasses in the dark, unless you have trouble with your sight, should be an offence punishable with a spell in the stocks. (And yes that includes you, Victoria Beckham and Anna Wintour). Black Mark Two, smoking is very, very bad for your health.
We pass onto rapper Pharrell Williams who pitched up at the Moncler 60th anniversary party dressed like this.
WTF was struggling for the mot juste and then it came to her as if as in a revelation from On High. The word was “tosser”. This suit is by Moncler Gamme Bleu and it is entirely hideous. Khaki fabric cut to the knee with tuxedo facings? Is this Make Your Legs Look Even Shorter Week? And here is yet another wonky bow tie. What is the matter with these celebrities? Has there been an outbreak of sartorial Parkinsons?.
Lastly, we have footballer Djibril Cissé.
When not playing footie, Djibril is to be seen around town dressed to the nines in extortionately expensive nonsensical outfits. He has already graced WTF this year in a thousand quid’s worth of skirt and matching jumper by Givenchy and looking like a butch Beefeater. His alleged latest squeeze is Chloe Green, daughter of fashion supremo and zillionaire Sir Philip Green. Given Djibril’s dodgy history, including a caution for assaulting the soon-to-be-former Mme Cissé when she was pregnant, a few months into their marriage, and being tattooed from head to foot, WTF ventures to suggest that the words “Mum, Dad, this is Djibril” would not get a big hello in the Monagesque tax haven that is Chez Green. Djibril has ventured out dressed as Robocop meets a young Jacko, complete with studded leather jacket and mechanical hand, whilst his goggles are on loan from I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here where they are kept for contestants forced to dip their heads into a bucket of beasties. Djibril has finished off his look with a pair of abattoir wellies and a really stupid hat. The man in the picture is scratching his head in amazement. WTF knows how he feels….
And so to the winner of the WTF Christmas Turkey 2012 who is….. (drumroll)
ADRIANNE CURRY!!!!! For a while it was neck and neck and neck and neck between Adrianne, Beth Ditto, Helen Flanagan and Marc Jacobs but this revolting outfit clinched it with 21% of the vote. And she’s already wrapped in tinfoil and oven ready…..strong>
As it’s Christmas, WTF is taking a week off next week, but she will be back to revolt you all in 2013, starting on January 4th. Happy Holidays and a very Happy New Year to you all.