WTF Red and Black Special

Hallo Readers,

This week the Synod of the Church of England voted against the creation of women bishops, even though it has had women vicars for ages. It is nice to see the Church staying relevant in 21st Century Britain.  St. Paul said that a woman should not be allowed to teach a man. Of course the Bible says all sorts of other things. For example, Deuteronomy 22:22 says that women caught in adultery should be stoned to death. Nowadays, we don’t do any of that putting to death business, we just let the Daily Mail and The Sun loose on them instead or send them round to Max Clifford to flog their stories. The other justification is that the word of Jesus came down through the Apostles and now comes through the Bishops. None of the Apostles were women and therefore you can’t have women Bishops. On that logic, you could never have an iPhone, because Jesus didn’t have one of those either. Equally, there should never be women in government.  No Mrs Thatcher…hang on…OK, I admit it. It’s tempting. And what about a woman Monarch? Like the one we’ve had since 1952 who just happens to be Head of the Church of England (and one of the few people who actually turns up on a Sunday these days). The ghastly neanderthals are probably prepared to accept HM as Head as long as she doesn’t actually teach a man to do anything except walk the corgis. It is ironic that lay females are able to instruct male Bishops, (who were all perfectly happy to welcome women colleagues) not to appoint women Bishops.   Now please excuse me. I am off out to stone someone to death for spilling his seed upon the ground, the wanker.

The weather has been getting colder and here is Rita Ora wrapped up warm. Or at least bits of her are.

It is all very well going about dressed like Nanook of the North with an anorak and a furry hood and boots up to the extremities but Rita’s nether regions must be awfully cold with just that tee-shirt between them and the elements. She would have been better advised to remove the fur from the hood and use it as a nether-regions-warmer. As for the boots, they are a Biblical abomination, and they also seem to present the wearer with a problem, time wise, as you would probably have to start lacing yourself into them the night before. Oh, and they are also hideously, hideously hideous.  As for the red sunglasses, Rita looks just like the poor Earl of Gloucester in King Lear after his eyes were put out.

A blinded Earl of Gloucester seems an odd inspiration for eyewear, but there you go. You must take inspiration where you find it.

WTF is always being asked to put more male celebrities into these posts and she is here to please. It is just a matter of finding the photographic evidence. As Churchill remarked, give me the tools and I will finish the job, and here is prize tool Justin Bieber at the 2012 American Music Awards.

As you know, criticism is alien to WTF’s nature, but Justin looks like a knob. Everything about him contributes to the knobbery, from the little quiff to the little diamond stud to the little tattooes to the little ruched trackies (he looks like he is still in nappies) to the little red slippers covered in carpet tacks.  In fact the only thing big about him is his bank balance.  However, you should keep your distance because were he to kick out at you with those spiked slippers he could do some serious damage. Imagine those directed at your unmentionables. It certainly gives a new meaning to the words “offensive weapon”.

This, believe it or not, is Rihanna at the launch of her new album Unapologetic, wearing Damir Doma and a very, very silly hat by Skingraft.

Tired of endless number one hits, hard partying and pursuing a man who once beat her senseless, Rihanna is now branching out into pantomime and will be appearing as Aladdin at the Empire Theatre, Cleethorpes. This is the kinky black leather version of Aladdin and it isn’t a lamp they’ll be rubbing. Alex Reid will be Widow Twanky (he is providing his own costumes), Chantelle Houghton will make her stage debut as Jasmine and George Osborne will surprise with a special guest appearance as the Genie. Book now to avoid disappointment.

Oh dear. Here is Jamie Lee Curtis with her sister Kelly Curtis at the premiere of the new film Hitchcock (it is about Alfred Hitchcock making Psycho, and their Mum, Janet Leigh, was the blonde one who copped it big time in the shower. Did you know they used chocolate sauce instead of blood?).

Kelly looks absolutely fine. Jamie Lee, sadly, does not. In fact, she seems to be wearing a straightjacket which is not only horribly unflattering but is failing to afford any proper support for her ample tittage. And she’s wearing opaque black tights and  black bootees. When WTF saw Psycho for the first and only time, aged about 13, she was so scared that she didn’t sleep a wink all night. Frankly, one look at Jamie will have the same effect. 

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun but Cyndi Lauper, surely there must be another way….

Errrr….hello?  WTF has seen Braveheart (rubbish and very noisy) and Rob Roy (not bad and it has Liam Neeson, Tim Roth and Jessica Lange) and she has been to Scotland loads of times but she has never seen anyone dressed quite like this. From the neck up, McCyndi looks like a pink poodle with lipstick. From the neck down, she looks like an idiot. Are those cutaway leather shorts over tights? Or are they leggings with built-in leather anti-chafing pads? Or has our old friend the Essex Lion hopped on a plane to LA or sailed over on a raft like the Tiger in Life of Pi, there to gnaw away at McCyndi’s trousers and hosiery?  McCyndi is in fine fettle at 58 years old, but there is no need for her to appear on the Red Carpet looking like she has just gone 5 rounds with a giant feline.

We now have another edition of our occasional series Madonna Watch in which our heroine flashes her bits in the name of radical feminism and whatever cause is currently taking her fancy. Apparently a Russian court has thrown out a case against her it was alleged that she was traumatising Russian youth into turning gay. Anyway, here she is in concert showing us more of her minge than anyone could ever want to see. Once again, those of a nervous disposition should log off now and come back next Friday because on a scale of 1-100 of unpleasantness, this is registering 10,508. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

My eyes are watering. What. The.  Hell. Is. Going. On?????!!!!!????  You can see her panties or perhaps it is a giant band-aid after she cut herself administering a Brazilian with a rusty razor. Let us put aside our concern that one high kick and she could split herself in half from the crotch up, like Uma Thurman running amok with her sword in Kill Bill. Instead let us ask ourselves why the public, paying or otherwise, is being subjected to more anatomical detail than a gaggle of gynaecologists doing double shifts. Madge is always writing slogans on her back. Here’s WTF’s slogan – MADGE! PUT YOUR MINGE AWAY!

Now, dear readers, it is over to you. You did very well with the comments last week so keep them coming.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

19 Responses to WTF Red and Black Special

  1. Joyce says:

    Er – who is Rita Ora?

  2. Er – and why is Jamie Curtis wearing what appear to be BLACK undies under her (disastrous) cream dress? WTF? Surely she can afford white or cream…

    • fashionshark says:

      Yes I noticed that too. The whole outfit was most ill-advised. What I want to know is why didn’t her sister say “Jamie, you look like a sack of shit, go upstairs and change NOW!”. I mean, isn’t that what sisters are for?

      • Sarah @sairsebourke says:

        I suspect that there are big sibling rivalry issues going on. Whatshername is probably fed up of Jamie being better known and getting more attention. Whilst she meant to say “that looks like a dog’s breakfast, get it off now”, she somehow found the words “darling, you look wonderful, let’s get in the limo” coming out of her mouth instead.

  3. Anna says:

    The extent to which you can see Madonna’s crotch there is just wrong, wrong, wrong. Will the woman not think of her children? Whilst not as offensive overall, Justin Bieber’s shoes are a crime against fashion. Having said all that, and whilst not disagreeing at all with WTF’s assessment of Cyndi Lauper’s outfit, it does draw attention to the fact that she has really, really good legs.

  4. Rhianna’s outfit is a headscratcher considering she always showing her nipples, maybe it is a PMS outfit?
    Bieber needs his mommy to change his nappy, it feels wrong to hate on a child, but mulitiple tattoos does not a man make
    Cyndi Lauper is a huge Romney supporter which makes her look bad (but! I actually like that outfit)

  5. Rob says:

    Nanook of the North!! Cripes, that dates us all a bit!! I remember being made to watch it at prep school in about 19 sixty blerrrgh and haven’t heard it mentioned since. Just WHO is the little prat of a boy with the very short legs, his mother’s pearls and his father’s sunglasses? I don’t think kids that young should be allowed out without an adult… Social services should be informed.

  6. fashionshark says:

    The little prat of a boy is one of the biggest selling singers today AND he has a twitter following of Twentyseven million all girls. They call themselves Beliebers. Sad but true

  7. Janet Bebb says:

    Don’t these people have people to advise them how to dress – I could do a better job & I hate fashion!

  8. I have to say I am very, very disappointed in Jamie Lee Curtis. She is an extremely attractive woman. Maybe she was drugged and dressed by someone else whilst unconscious. Maybe they are holding someone she cares about to ranson. Maybe she did it for a dare. Maybe the lights were out and she dressed in the dark – in someone else’s house. Maybe… I’m running out of excuses here…
    Hot damn, Jamie – were you just having a badly senior moment? Is your sister clutching your hand in sympathy because she knows just how bad things are?

  9. Excellent observation from WTF as usual. Jamie L.C. certainly looked more like ‘The Mummys Return’ than is needful for a red carpet event!
    I do hope WTF will turn her spotlight back on to the Wannabee Laydee Bishops – all argument aside, about whether they should be or not – what on earth were they thinking when they got dressed on the morning of the big vote! I turned on the telly and assumed it was a news item on a re-casting of ‘The Killing of Sister George’.
    Although I expect WTF will be dedicating many column inches to the fashion meltdown displayed by those naughty boys of rock – The Rolling Stones. The only things they seem to have gathered are some shockingly spiteful stylists.

  10. Sal says:

    Jamie LC has taken the ‘bandage dress’ too literally IMHO.
    Madge should take note from Jamie LC and wear some bandages (At least) to cover the essentials.

  11. Jay (@Solo_Missions) says:

    I think WTF should make an exception for Cindi Lauper, she’s had her very own WTF quirkiniess for 3 decades and is one of a kind. Atleast she’s not giving a her snatch a wedgie like her Mad(g)ness

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s