Are you crap at your job? Could you mess up running a pissup in a brewery? Do you never read the newspapers or check your tweets? Then you could be the next Director General of the BBC. And you need not worry about cocking the whole thing up because those nice management types at the Beeb will still hand you £450K and a fat pension for only a few weeks work. In fact, you will not have to do anything much. All you need to do is to look completely out of your depth and undergo a public humiliation on your own television and radio channels at the hands of your own employees. George Entwistle, the last incumbent, resigned after only 54 days in order to spend more time with his pay off. Poor George, a bald, bespectacled sheepish man in a bad suit, presided over the most abject period in the BBC’s history since the last most abject period in the BBC’s history and wore the perplexed expression of a man who had no fucking idea what was going on. The reason for this was that he really had no fucking idea what was going on. His brief reign was blighted by the lethal combination of paedophiles, Newsnight, the appalling child rapist “Sir” Jimmy Savile, other perverts various and an arcane and overpaid BBC management structure with more layers than a plate of mille feuilles. The gist of it is that Newsnight shelved an investigation into Savile’s paedophile activities despite having loads of the evidence and then broadcast an investigation into another padeophile scandal in North Wales 20 years ago and wrongly fingered Sir Alastair McAlpine, a Tory Grandee, despite having no evidence and failing to make even the most elementary checks. Sir Alastair is suing everyone involved and M’learned Friends are now online looking at baby Bentleys and gites in Provence (must sleep 10 and have its own pool and olive grove). The second Newsnight cockup arose because anyone who vaguely knew what they were doing had either been suspended or sectioned after the first Newsnight cockup and the man in charge of the 3rd floor photocopier has been Acting Up in the interim. Poor old George gave a catastrophic series of interviews on radio and television on Saturday morning and admitted that he had been washing his hair that week and hadn’t known anything about anything and by 8 pm he and his cheque were heading for the exit. The whole place is now being run by a series of makeweights and mediocrities and the Acting Director-General is a permatanned smoothie who looks like a double glazing salesman and has never been near a news programme on his life. Not to put too fine a point on it, it has all gone tits up. And we’re footing the bill.
WTF has binned the Z Lister of the Week because after Chloe Sims, last week’s offering (check her out in WTF Politics Meet Celebrity Special) the bottom the nonentity barrel had been well and truly scraped. If you want to see any more of their crimes against fashion, check them out on @WTF_EEK and the daily tweet Today’s WTF Turkey. Instead we will concentrate on the parade of stars walking the Red Carpet this week, all of them in outfits which are the equivalent of BBC management – over the top and a total waste of money.
WTF, as regular readers may have discerned, is no fan of designer Anthony Vaccarello, and here is more suport for her prejudice in the shapely form of singer Cassie at the GQ Men of the Year Awards.
WTF would like to make three points about this alleged dress. First, it is really, really horrible. Second, it is unfinished as Anthony had never got around to sewing on the left sleeve and bodice. Cassie seems to have grabbed it anyway and gone off to the Awards with the intention of swagging it out. Third, how does that Amazonian breastplate stay in place? Usually we see Anthony’s designs on ultra-skinny, flatchested models and so tit is not an issue. The Amazons got around this problem by cutting or burning off their right breasts, the better to throw their javelins at the enemy. Tits and breastplates do not go together and Cassie has a lot of tit, most of it on public view with the weatherman saying there is more to come..
We turn next to actor Alan Cumming at the Britannia BAFTA awards.
Alan is dressed like a Bingo Caller from Bolton. All the nines, ninty-nine! Two fat ladies, eighty-eight! One big fluorescent pillock, Alan Cumming! The suit is offensive, he seems to be wearing TRAINERS with a BOW TIE and either he is standing in a very odd way or his legs have shrunk. Most offensive, however, is that smirk. You just want to slap him repeatedly with a wet fish.
Our next three celebs all pitched up at the MTV Awards. Let us kick off with supermodel Isabeli Fontana wearing I know not what.
Isabeli is a stunning looking woman but this nonsensical combination of Buffalo Bill meets Easy Rider makes her look like a crow, which is just silly because why on earth would a beautiful woman want to look like a crow? There are all manner of other questions to be asked like how on earth do you go to the loo in this thing and how do you avoid lashing someone to death with your fringing if you turn around too quickly or throw some moves on the dancefloor? Those sleeves should carry a Government Health warning as they are more lethal than a loaded shotgun.
Next up, we have Kim Kardashian. It is true that WTF has promised both her readers and herself that she will ignore Kim, but the woman is a perambulating fashion disaster and, like a motorway pileup, you just can’t look away. WTF has managed to go cold turkey on the other members of her family although she saw one of them (Kourtney? Khloe? Kash-till?) on American X Factor and could not but notice that she has a jaw like Desperate Dan and is more inept onscreen than poor old George Entwistle. But I digress.
Let’s start with the positives. Great shoes. Now the negatives. Everything else. Kim is wearing uber-trashy Versace and it is more than up to that House’s usual high standards of vulgarity. This consists of a black leotard and a skirt made from binbags with a train made from more binbags which slithers behind her like a black trail of binbag vomit. WTF did consider whether this dress was actually a post-modern ironic protest against the sea of effluent engulfing our planet and causing global warming, Hurricane Sandy and the melting of the polar icecap. On balance, however, she has concluded that this is just a shit-awful dress.
This is another revolting Versace creation, this time on Heidi Klum. Heidi is presently hell-bent on looking as absurd as she possibly can and whilst WTF disapproves of the project, she can only applaud Heidi’s success in carrying it out.
This is a deceased peacock which has been flattened by a street roller and fashioned into a frock. Donatella had then added some lacing last seen on a saucy serving wench in an episode of Robin Hood, just the one sleeve, some studs and a thing on the right hip that might be an inbuilt camera lens, although it might be a giant blow-hole. As for the matching laceup bootees, there are just no words or at least none that would not put WTF in the dock for outraging public decency.
Repeat after me – whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaat tttttttttttttthhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeee fffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccccccccccccccccccck? If this is not the very quintessence of a minge mask then I don’t know what is. And this is not just a minge mask. This is the shiniest, glitteryist, look-at-me-immediately-ist minge mask ever to cover a minge. It’s foul. And the back is even worse. Brace yourselves. Those of a nervous disposition should log off now and come back next week. Are you ready?
You’re speechless aren’t you? Or perhaps you are suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. Step away from the screen and dial a doctor. WTF showed this picture to a friend and it is fair to say that she reeled backwards with her mouth open and then started to laugh in that hysterical way you do when you have just had a serious shock. And this is seriously, seriously shocking. The best way to describe this is that Kristen is wearing little arse-shaped sequinned incontinence chaps. I’m sorry. I have to go and lie down. Goodbye and see you all next week. In the meantime, when you recover, you can leave a comment.