Admit it – you’ve been speculating madly who will be the next to be arrested in the Jimmy Savile child abuse scandal. Not just that but you’ve been secretly hoping that X or Y, the tosser on the telly whom you have always hated for being smarmy/smug/unfunny/creepy/ubiquitous (in any combination), will be photographed doing the perp walk from his home to a waiting police car through a sea of flashlights and thence driven to the copshop to be grilled about various nefarious activities. WTF’s list is probably longer than most. As for Savile, never, ever, was the evil of celebrity so obviously misused and exploited. The bloke was on the telly and used his fame to raise money for good causes. As far as the relevant authorities were concerned, that was quite enough to entitle him to have keys to hospital wards, morgues, children’s care homes and even to Broadmoor, the high security hospital for the criminally insane, there to wander around at dead of night like a cross-dressing Florence Nightingale. Only it wasn’t a lamp he had in his hand……
Talking of cross-dressers brings us back to Chantelle Houghton, our Z lister of the week from a fortnight ago. New readers can pop back to WTF Flashing for Malala Special and read all about her and her sometime paramour and the cross-dressing father of her baby, Alex Reid. Alex also features in last week’s opus, WTF Monochrome Special. WTF had observed that Chantelle was always photographed bearing the studied tragic expression of Ophelia en route to the pond whilst she and Alex traded insults in the popular press and watched the cash roll in. In other words, she was milking it and so was he. Well, that was just the warm up. Chantelle has now opened up a whole dairy. Last week, she went on daytime TV in a horrible starry top and textured cameltoe jeggings and delivered a performance of weeping and wailing that would have embarassed a demented banshee.
She was then photographed over the weekend out on the town smiling broadly and dressed up to the nines. On the following Tuesday, she started the day off training in the park (expect a fitness video very soon) before going home and unleashing an avalanche of tweets. In short, she had given Alex the heave-ho after finding texts in which his alter egoette, Roxanne, had arranged to meet a man to have sex; Alex had turned their cellar into “a sex dungeon” when she was 8 months pregnant; and Alex was trying to claim some of Baby Dolly’s earnings from her first OK magazine photoshoot! Alex countered that baby Dolly would have to read all this shite one day and could she please put a sock in it? Chantelle then rounded off her day by being photographed with her usual tragic expression in a Chinese takeaway waiting for her chicken chow mein. (Question – why not send out? Answer – it’s obvious). You see, here’s the thing. People like Chantelle haven’t got any talent. To keep themselves in the public eye, they have to share their every waking moment with the newspapers. The same goes for uber Z Lister, former Ms. Wales and kiss ‘n’tell princess Imogen Thomas who issues daily bulletins about her pregnancy (recent big news – she’s getting fat and her ankles are swollen). Who knew? Who cares? WTF has decided to head down to the local magistrates court and apply for some Anti Social Behaviour Orders (ASBOs) against the lot of them because she just can’t take it any more.
Last week’s Monochrome Special was very…well, monochrome, and so this week WTF is giving you some great big splashes of colour as a nice change. Readers should ensure that they have their sunglasses to hand. Oh and a sick bag. Let us start with Tali Lennox dressed as a shocking pink yeti.
Tali is 19 and very pretty, and you can tell she is a model because she has legs like twiglets and, like her mother, Annie Lennox, has a ghostly pallor. WTF is all for keeping warm, and at least Tali would be visible in the dark but there is bright, there is headache and there is migraine. This is migraine and not just take-some-Hedex migraine, but meriting-a-trip-to-the-ER-and-a-chance-to -be-treated-by-Dr.-Greene migraine. (WTF was always a Dr. Greene girl as opposed to a Dr. Ross girl). WTF is also puzzled by the concept of a big furry coat, bare legs and peep toe bootees. Do you think yetis wander around the Russian Steppes with shaved legs? No, neither do I.
We move onto country music singer Carrie Underwood.
Is the hand from the audience reaching up in protest at layers of iridescent giftwrap (at least get the bottom layer of the “skirt” over the bloody lining), a narrow silver belt, shocking pink studded knuckledusters, spiked wristlets and lace bootees? Because WTF’s hand would have been. In fact it would have tried to pull her off the stage. This concoction puts one in mind of the late Boadicea (or Boudicca as some poncy historians would have it), Queen of the Iceni, who took it upon herself to repel the Romans with spikes on her chariot wheels. It certainly repels the hell out of WTF….
Oh dear, this is bad. Here is Tulisa off X Factor.
Look, WTF has nothing against Tulisa although how she came to be voted the World’s Sexiest Woman in 2011 is a mystery up there with the Bermuda Triangle and Donald Trump’s hair. Nevertheless, Tulisa does not know how to dress and either no one is telling her or she is not listening. WTF understands that it can’t be easy for Tulisa to be in permanent competition with fellow judge and showstopper Nicole Scherzinger, who is slim, leggy and unreasonably beautiful, but that still does not excuse dressing up as a bondage butterpat. You have to be straight up and down, like Tali, to wear something with horizontal stripes. The undulations around her hips are giving WTF motion sickness.
Let’s rest your eyeballs with a little bit of black worn by our old friend Ke$ha.
And before you ask, no I haven’t got a clue what the hell she is wearing or why she is wearing it. Only Ke$ha knows why she is dressed as Dick Turpin the pantomime boy. But WTF is compelled to say two things. Thing 1 – WTF has major bootee burnout. Thing 2 – that has got to be the worst fake tan ever in the history of ever. I mean look at her legs – it’s like the Farrow & Ball colour chart in every shade of brown and beige.
This is singer and songwriter Christina Milian with her dress on back to front.
Yikes! There is only one word for it. Slutty. By the way did you know that Christina was married to a bloke who has the effrontery to call himself The-Dream? He turned out to be The-Nightmare. It lasted 3 months.
Part 1 of The Emperor’s New Clothes this week presents Stella McCartney wearing, um, Stella McCartney.
Older readers may recall Andy Pandy a charming marionette who featured in Watch with Mother of an afternoon on BBC when kiddie TV was nice and gentle and didn’t feature things killing each other to a loud electronic background. Andy Pandy and his mates Teddy and Looby Loo did nice gentle things like going to the park. Click the link to see life from another age. Anyway here is Andy Pandy and WTF suspects that he may have provided the inspiration for Stella’s design.
See what I mean?
Here is Brooke Shields wearing Angel Sanchez.
Brooke is 47 not 74. She should not wear her hair like an overcoiffed goat and she certainly should not be wearing this mumsy dress with its little capelet and pleated tits. Why on earth would anyone wear a dress with pleated tits and give the impression that their nipples had just exploded? Meanwhile, the colours seem to have been inspired by Angel’s pet budgie. Brooke, aged 15 caused a storm when she advertised Calvin Klein jeans whilst murmuring the phrase “you want to know what comes between me and my Calvins? Nothing”. Jimmy Savile must have loved it.Something certainly should have come between Brooke and this dress. Like a locked door.
OK readers, time for you to share your thoughts with your fellow readers across the globe (and you are, you really are!). Hit the comment button……