Welcome to another wet week in troglodyte Britain. Any more of this rain and we will develop webbed feet and be forced to replace the National Anthem with the Frog Song. We are all affected by Seasonal Affected Disorder (S.A.D.) and WTF is more affected than most.
As you may have noticed, WTF has become obsessed with the British obsession with celebrity, particularly the Z listers. These people don’t seem to own a knife and fork. They are out every night at some preposterous event or other and it is always the usual suspects. They fall into two categories. The first lot are the TV reality “stars”, idiots whose collective IQ is in single figures with a minus in front of it. The men have abs like Michelangelo’s David. The women wear more make up than Joan Collins, very short skirts (rule – the fatter the legs, the shorter the skirt) and sky high heels. They have fake hair, fake nails, fake tan, fake tits and, in some cases, fake face. The second lot are usually female ex-somethings; ex-popstars, ex-wives, ex-fiancées, ex-soapstars, ex-one-night-stands. They look the same as the first lot. In fact they all look the same. They turn up en masse to party after party and fall out of them at the end of the night, often legs akimbo and knickers showing (and that’s just the men). This is the Seventh Circle of Z List Hell. The price for their Faustian bargain with fame is that they are forever locked together, at every tanning party, every film premiere, every charity event and the launch of anything and everything from their own fashion lines to anything, anywhere that will secure them a photo opportunity and a free glass of bubbly. The only time that they are away from the pack is when they are on holiday, flaunting their “beach bodies” or venturing forth for a night on the town, a convenient photographer on hand to record the event.
It isn’t just a British phenomenon, of course. There are equivalent Seventh Circles of Z List Hell in the States, in Australia and elsewhere. But WTF tries not to take too much notice of them as well because too much more of this stuff and she would end up in electro-convulsive shock therapy and a padded cell.
The Brit Seventh Circle of Z List Hell was out in force last weekend at the 12th Duke of Essex Polo Event. By the way, there is no such person as the Duke of Essex and this is not any sort of posh Royal Event. Here the “VIPs” were the “stars” of The Only Way Is Essex and Desperate Scousewives and members of the “ex” brigade, all in unsuitable footwear considering that the ground resembled the Somme. There was no fake tan left in the UK. To the great delight of practitioners of schadenfreude, many of them fell arse over tit on the slippery walkways and spent the rest of the day with a muddy tidemark on some part of their person.
WTF has decided to introduce another new feature, Z lister of the week. For no other reason than it is so much fun. It was a tough call, but this week’s winner is Layla Flaherty off Desperate Scousewives at the end of what had clearly been an ardous evening at the polo.
Layla has fallen off her chair face first onto the turf. It is possible that drink had been taken. You might think that Layla’s shoes are not wholly appropriate for a mud bath. Note also the tasteful way that the fabric has parted to show her tattoo. Now that’s classy.
Not that things are better at the other end of the spectrum. In Paris, Madonna warbled out her greatest hits and flashed her left nipple and her (thonged) bottom.
When she flashed her right nipple in Istanbul, she claimed that it all about liberating the sisterhood. It is unclear to WTF why flashing either or both of your nipples or your bottom amounts to liberating the sisterhood. It is even less clear why Parisians needed to see this. Josephine Baker was doing this in Paris in the 1920’s, love. It was innovative then. Here is Josephine strutting her stuff.
The bottom was out again in Hyde Park this week on a wet Wednesday night. Note to Madonna. It isn’t shocking when everyone knows you are are going to do it. Personally, WTF finds it more shocking that a 50-something woman is waving toy guns about on the stage like a half-naked Sarah Palin and groping her toyboy’s bits.
Here is Oritse Williams from top pop group JLS at the London premiere of The Dark Knight.
Two questions. WTF? And WTF? Rarely has a man looked so silly. It is hard to know which part of this ensemble is worse, the sweet wrapper jacket with shark’s teeth shoulders and quilted sleeves, the MATCHING BOW TIE, the trousers as worn by car wash operatives, the nonsensical trainers or the daft hat. WTF has no idea of Oritse’s domestic arrangements, but refuses to believe that in between him leaving his bedroom and arriving on the Red Carpet, there was no one on hand to tell him that he looked like a knob. Note to Oritse. Buy a mirror.
This week has really given us some truly terrible outfits. What is the matter with these people? Take Zoe Kravitz in this week’s edition of The Emperor’s New Clothes.
Zoe is wearing a dress by Emilio Pucci. There is a problem. It doesn’t fit her. There is another problem. It’s horrible. WTF is bored to tears by peek-a-boo. Zoe’s right breast and lady areas are on the verge of an imminent appearance. The shoes are by Alexander Wang and they’re horrible as well. They look like torn hosiery. Note to Zoe – you’ve been conned. Another note to Zoe – those tattooes look like ink splodges on a naughty schoolboy.
Next up, Lara Stone. She is a supermodel and the face of Calvin Klein. And then some stylist decided that she would look really good on a photoshoot dressed as a binman.
Binman chic is a new one to WTF. Older readers may recall a song by the late Lonnie Donegan, aka The King of Skiffle, where the lyrics went along the lines of “Oh, my old man’s a dustman, He wears a dustman’s hat, He wears gor blimey trousers and he lives in a Council flat….” Who would want to wear this other than an artiste playing Alfred Doolittle in an transgender production of My Fair Lady? And the outfit is yet more baffling from the back.
It comes with its own leather safety harness! This is very handy for those fashionistas wanting to indulge in a spot of window cleaning on the outside of the Shard. After all, you never know when the urge will strike….. Note to Lara. Next time this lot phone up to book you, say you’re washing your hair.
NO! It’s Susan Sarandon again!! This time, she is at the Karlovy Vary Film Festival (what do you mean, where? It’s in the Czech Republic). WTF is sad to report that Susan is turning into a serial offender.
From the neck up, Susan looks great. Sadly, from the neck down it is another story. That décolletage needs more than a braless halterneck and she is showing nearly as much nipple as Madonna. The sheer panels and built-in crotch-strap would look cheap on Jordan. Susan might also want to rethink the very swirly sandals which seem to have been nicked off a Morris dancer. Note to Susan – sack the stylist. Or get one. Or something.
Finally, here is another near-naked lady almost wearing a designer frock.
You may recall the Met Ball this year when Anja Rubik appeared in a white “dress” designed by Belgian designer Anthony Vaccarello. Anja was showing a lot of jutting hipbone and inordinate amounts of very thin leg. As WTF’s brother used to remark, there was more meat on a butcher’s pencil. And now Anthony has done it again, (un)clothing Brazilian model Izabel Goulart in half a metre of material at a Mario Testino Event/Exhibition in Lima. Appalled onlookers were left in immediate fear of a full-on minge moment. There is no doubt that Izabel is a beautiful woman with an impressive rib cage and long limbs (she models for Victoria’s Secret) but (a) she needs some knickers and (b) she needs more dress. Note to Anthony. Try designing something that women can actually wear. There is more to fashion than a shedload of flesh and the prospect of a flash of something naughty. We’ve got Layla and Madonna for that.