It has been a most bewildering week. First last Friday was declared No Panty Day, at which WTF was in great indignation. Of course, as far as some celebrities are concerned every day seems to be No Panty Day but that’s not the point. No Panty Day seems to be about slappers various tweeting pictures of their minge for the delectation of saddos and sleazebags. Then some Wall Street hedge fund manager sought a third of his ex-wife’s shoe collection, claiming it was worth $1m and that she had concealed them all in a secret room in their zillion dollar Park Avenue apartment. $1m seems to be going it some for footwear, and now that Louboutins are worn by WAGS and slags everywhere, frankly they would seem to be a diminishing asset. Whether he intends to burn them in the middle of Central Park or just walk around in them himself just to spite the former Mrs Hedge Fund, WTF cannot say. Meanwhile in the UK the weather has mostly been more January than June, half the country is under water and the Press followed Kim Kardashian’s parade around Europe as if she were Jackie Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe combined instead of a talentless bimbo with a big bottom. So WTF was in need of good cheer, and luckily she found it in the form of these ridiculous outfits worn by people who should know better.
Let us begin with WAG and lads’ mag model, Abbey Clancy, looking silly in Louis Vuitton.
Now the reason Abbey is looking silly is because the outfit is silly, proving that because it is Designer and costs the same as a car doesn’t mean anything except that you look silly and are a lot poorer if you buy it and that you just look silly if you borrow it. Let’s be honest. This is a frilly sugar-pink nightie worn under a feather duster with zips. You might have heard of a duster coat. They were invented for cowboys to protect their clothes from trail dust. Well this is a feather duster coat. On the plus side, the shoes are gorgeous and at least it isn’t see-through and split to the crotch.
Next up, Elle MacPherson.
All together now, one, two, three…. WTF ARE THOSE TROUSERS? No really, this is a genuine question. There are cropped trousers. There are long trousers. There are skirts. The designer, one Louis Heal, was obviously unable to make up his mind and so he made a hybrid of all three. It might be that on a hot night in Wagga Wagga a girl needs some airflow to her lady areas, but in the UK as part of a Fall Collection? And this nonsensical outfit only has one arm, which WTF hates almost above all things, and a stupid slash. Meanwhile, the shoes are giving me a headache.
Let us proceed with super diva Jennifer Lopez.
This is, not to put too fine a point it, a mess. The jeans look a little tight and the top looks a little small. There is a tartan rug straight from the dog basket and some sort of acrylic looking item that was probably knitted by Granny Lopez as the long nights were drawing in on the Block. WTF can only conclude that Jennifer had given her 170 staff the day off, couldn’t be arsed to pack and just grabbed a handful of items as she was running for the plane. Or something.
And now we have Donna Air, model and TV presenter in a very baffling ensemble.
This is just terribly, terribly terrible. She looks like an iridescent schoolboy. The sandals with giant red lips are just too weird to talk about and seem to have been nicked off Donna’s daughter’s Barbie doll. Indeed, Donna has become so tiny that she looks like Barbie with tiny feet to match. Why would anyone leave the house dressed like this? Donna’s stylist should receive a slap, a P45 and then another slap. And Barbie wants her shoes back.
We pass onto Florence Welch, wearing a hideous concoction by Julien Macdonald. By the way, WTF continues to question the point of wearing expensive couture with very visible tattoos.
Oh, for Heaven’s sake. WTF is so bored with this sheer skirt nonsense. This isn’t a dress, it is a fancy dress costume with Florence as the Wicked Witch of the North. All she needs is a broomstick, a green face and a pointy hat. The embroidered sleeves make her look as if the Wicked Witch has been caught up in barbed wire, which also probably accounts for the missing skirt.
And finally, another edition of Stylists Who Need to go to Specsavers, featuring not one but two women who pontificate on fashion and then appear in public looking preposterous.
First up, Hilary Alexander, Fashion Editor of the Daily Telegraph. You might want to sit down before reading on.
What on earth is going on here? Has the woman gone mad? I ask because those roses round her head put one in mind of King Lear when he went off his rocker and wandered about on the heath in a storm dressed in rags with a garland round his head. Like this…..
Things are no better from the neck down. Hilary has gone for a gold sheath with very visible nipple activity and it looks as if she has popped into the ladies’ loo at the office and tacked up the hem herself. Paired with this we have the sort of wrap you slip over your swimsuit when lunching pool-side at a posh hotel full of Eurotrash. Not that this get-up needed further decoration, but she has added a necklace fashioned from the British Museum’s coin collection, orange and shocking pink sandals, a yellow and brown handbag and blue nail varnish. Who needs a Pantone colour chart?
And now to one of WTF’s regulars, Nancy Dell’Olio. Nancy is a lawyer who doesn’t seem to practice her profession and often dresses as if she were practising another profession altogether. She is famous for being famous and for having been the partner of Sven Goran Ericsson, sometime (useless and overpaid) manager of the England Football Team (also useless and overpaid). Nancy now writes a style column for a national newspaper. The words Physician Heal Thyself come to mind, as well as many other words, none of them polite.
Actually the main words coming to mind are AAAAAAAAAAAARGH and EEEEEEEEK. Ever mindful of her responsibilities, WTF checked to see whether this was a Carry On Cleo party, but it wasn’t. There was therefore some other reason why Nancy looked in her wardrobe that evening and decided that this was the night to slip on a white halter neck dress about 6 inches too short, to dispense with a bra (there is a very visible nipple on show) and to totter about on vertiginous heels with a chandelier on her head. And it gets worse. Yes, it really does. Here is the back view.
WTF is unsure whether Nancy was embracing the deplorable side-boob trend or whether her dress just didn’t fit, but it matters not. There comes a time, and WTF speaks from experience here, where your bits are less interesting to the general population, if indeed they ever were, and need to be put away. As for the body glitter, if the intention was to distract from a certain lack of tone, it has had the opposite effect. Nancy is much given to interviews in which she likes to portray herself as a style icon. WTF feels that in this she may be mistaken.