In which WTF doubts her own sanity

Here’s the thing. WTF thinks she may be going off her head. Some of you may have formed this view long since and it must be said that it isn’t wholly unreasonable. But as WTF scans the press, magazines and the internet daily for your delectation, she is confronted by vast numbers of wealthy, beautiful people in vomit-inducing outfits. Has WTF become unable to see the good in anything? Is she having visions of hell?  Are these people raving mad? Are their stylists taking the piss? Whatever it is, you have to admit that it’s worrying. Well, it is for WTF anyway.

Let us start with Catherine Zeta Jones.

The fact that Catherine is married to a man older than Methuselah does not mean that she is still young enough to wear something this short with bare legs. To be frank, there is a certain age when your knees are no longer up to it. The dress makes her look naked and covered in ant hills. Here’s a question – what is the point of a dress with one sleeve? And here’s the answer – there is no point, apart from making your other elbow feel cold.

Another bloody nude dress. When will pale-skinned redheads stop dressing like inmates of the anaemia ward? First Nicole Kidman, then Florence Welch and now Jessica Chastain.

As my friend Ruth would say, that is just so wrong. Jessica is wearing a pair of couture tennis balls under some sheer embroidered chiffon. WTF cannot understand why the top is not lined like the skirt. Unless of course Jessica wants to play peek a boo…..

It is usually mean to pick on teenagers but Tallia Storm is 13 going on 36. She opened for Elton John at his recent concert in Scotland and was interviewed beforehand on Sky News.  WTF has never experienced such an overwhelming urge to throw things at the television screen.  It was watching like Violet Bott on steroids. A few days later Violet, I mean, Tallia, appeared at the Scottish Fashion Awards wearing this.

See what I mean? This Mme de Pompadour look was last seen at Cannes on a Dior-clad Diane Kruger and it wasn’t even  good on her. But, I hear you cry, where was Tallia’s mother? Why did she allow her daughter to leave home wearing a tablecloth over a bustle and a cottage loaf on her head? The poor love looks as if she has been cut in half and her torso plonked on a table. The answer is that Mummy is Tessa Hartmann, a fashion PR and founder of the said Scottish Fashion Awards. This is what SHE was wearing on the night.

If the mother thinks it appropriate to host a fashion event wearing the sofa with the family dog still asleep on it, what chance does the daughter have?  As WTF remarked about Lennox mére et fille last week, the apple does not fall far from the tree.

WTF does not normally do stage costumes because they are..well, stage costumes. But sometimes such is the horror that is one’s duty to speak out. This is Cheryl Cole.

Hallo?!?  The only reason Cheryl’s Diamanté Jubilee mermaid-in-an-oilslick dress failed to make it into last week’s WTF  was that she had been featured only the week before (keen readers may recall her on the red carpet resembling Venus rising from a merkin). Her performance was so dire that even St. Gary of Barlow (Knight of the Realm elect) and a posse of backing singers could not save her from public obloquy. And now here she is dressed as a neon swizzlestick. WTF would have taken more exception to the sparkling booties had she not been so outraged by the bronze crotch-arrow. The combination of the colour and the seam makes her look as though she has just undergone the full Hollywood waxing experience.  

OK dear readers, and now it is over to you. Comments please.

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7 Responses to In which WTF doubts her own sanity

  1. Sal says:

    Don’t worry about your sanity – leaving your phone in the fridge with your food shopping is a mistake anyone could make.
    You were clearly concentrating on another masterpiece of WTF.

  2. sarah bourke says:

    Leather and a labradoodle that needs a good clipping is never a good look. Still violet elizabeth’s mum being a fashion pr does explain how her guides’ music badge project ended up being played to david furnish so she got the elton gig.

  3. Anna says:

    I have FINALLY managed to be on my email and have time to look up this wondrous blog at the same time. Indeed it was worth the wait. I am really, *really* disturbed by Cheryl Cole’s faux-Brazilian. Of course, if people would stick with their natural skin colour instead of slathering themselves with mahogany fake tan, there would be no room for confusion.

  4. Anna says:

    PS presumably Chezza’s look is the opposite of the genitalia curtain?

  5. SKJ – I am a human rights lawyer and writer based in London, but I travel, work and write extensively all over the world. I have chosen to stay anonymous only for the sake of my clients, at least for now.
    SKJ says:

    The nude dress is presumably a cheaper alternative to plastic surgery?

  6. YG says:

    OMG this is completely priceless – I had a complete lol moment on the Chezza Cole observations (thats a Cameron/Brookes lol as opposed to any other!!) xxx

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