wtffashionshark

Hallo Readers,

This week, we all found out was what it must have been like living through the reign of Emperor Nero. Only in those days, information travelled across the world more slowly, rather than being beamed into everyone’s front room, office computer and mobile phone on a rolling 24-hour cycle. There was therefore no escape from the rambling, mendacious, delusional, monotonal, racist rubbish emanating from the President over the United States, who came across (not that he had not done so before), as either stark staring mad or deep on the road to dementia – or both. He began the weekend by informing the Prime Minister of Norway – in a text – that as Norway had failed to give him the Nobel Peace Prize, despite his having ended ‘eight wars PLUS’, he no longer felt it necessary to be peaceful. Having then made clear to the world that the future of NATO, and indeed Europe, lay in the balance because he had been snubbed Peace-Prize-wise, he marked the first anniversary of his election by subjecting us to an incoherent stream of semi-consciousness which included, in no particular order, musings on the low IQ and criminal activities of Somalians, an expression of sorrow at the death of Renee Good because her parents had loved him, an attack on the media’s unfavourable coverage of him, anecdotes about how, as a boy, he was good at baseball, his assertion that Norway’s government did select the winner of the Peace Prize ‘because it is awarded in Norway’, and his determination to obtain Greenland because why would you want to fight to defend something you don’t actually own? Which ignores the fact that the only thing Greenland needs defending against is his attempt to annex it. If this were your elderly relative, you would be on the phone to the gerontologist. 

The Rancid Kumquat then flew to Davos to address Tech Bros, Billionaires, Bigwigs, Captains of Industry and Politicians various, subjecting them all to more of the same over another two hours, also slipping in references to the horror of wind farms, how the 2020 election was stolen, how Europe had gone down the pan by letting in immigrants, and how America had single-handedly won the Second World War and had stopped everyone from having to speak German (this in Davos, where they DO actually speak German). He also repeated the canard that NATO countries would perhaps not assist America were it to be attacked, despite the fact that hundreds of Europeans and Canadians had in fact died supporting America’s invasion of Afghanistan after 9/11, the only time Article 5 of the NATO Treaty has ever been invoked. Having insulted everybody in and out of the room, he then announced that he would not in fact invade Greenland (he kept referring it to as Iceland, which is not the same place) and that the US would not impose tariffs on those NATO countries which failed to support his acquiring it. The next thing we knew, he announced that he and the NATO Secretary had done ‘a deal‘ on Greenland, although 24 hours later, no one, including Denmark, has the faintest idea what is in this agreement. Probably because there isn’t one, but he cannot admit that he had buckled in the face of unexpected opposition.. Meanwhile, the White House Press Secretary, Karoline Leavitt, aka Goebbels Barbie, had the temerity to deny that the President has confused Iceland and Greenland in his speech, despite the whole world having seen and heard him doing so.  There was so much gas-lighting going on, you needed a mask.

The following day saw the Debut of the Board of Peace (Chair – the Rancid Kumquat himself) on the Davos stage. This will supposedly bring peace to Gaza and perhaps to other armed conflicts that the President unfathomably cannot end on his own. Onstage were the heads of twenty countries, including such modern Mandelas as the Presidents of Belarus, Hungary, and Argentina. It reminded WTF of the round-table meetings of the Five Families in The Godfather. Not present, apparently still considering his invitation to join the Board, was President Putin. Not present were any Palestinians. Which tells you everything you need to know about the Board of Peace, which will also include our very own Tony Blair. Jared Kushner, the President’s son-in-law (remember Nero made his horse a Consul) gave a presentation of how Gaza would look when it was rebuilt, namely like Miami Beach, only gaudier. The fact that the President of the United States, his son-in-law and his best golfing buddy, Steve Witkoff, all real estate developers, are all on the Board is, of course, entirely coincidental.

The Rancid Kumquat then flew home, tweeting furiously about Jack Smith, the Special Counsel who had investigated him for instigating the riot on 6 January 2021, and who was giving evidence before Congress. He demanded that the Attorney-General consider prosecuting Smith for perjury. And it was still only Thursday afternoon…

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We start our review of the week’s ridiculous rags with English actor Rebecca Hall at the premiere of her new Disney+ TV series The Beauty, wearing Courreges.

She is literally proving the old adage, Belt Up. A job-lot of belts is not an outfit. Rebecca is just a storage facility for them. Which, however you look at it, is silly.

 

Next, we are out and about in New York City with Dutch actor Famke Janssen, wearing what is frankly a ragbag of items designed for someone, er, younger. Much younger.

Famke is 61. Please God, anyone should look half as good at half her age, and she has the most fabulous legs (she used to model before she was an actor).  Nevertheless, was it wise to perambulate around town dressed as Varsity Barbie? (Answer – no).

 

Now we have another former model, German TV presenter and frequent WTF flyer Heidi Klum, at the premiere of  Infinite Icon: A Visual Memoir in LA. Heidi is sort of wearing a sheer shirt and skirt of unknown provenance.

Wearing your pockets as a bra is a new one to WTF, and she deplores it, especially when there is visible nipple activity despite the said pockets. WTF is also compelled to observe that Heidi’s tits looked like a couple of poached pears.

 

And here is American actor Amber Chardae Robinson at the finale for Palm Beach, which WTF much enjoyed. 

Amber, who was great in the series,  is dressed as a schoolgirl, complete with tie. Why? WHY?? Most of us could not wait to wait to ditch our pinafore dresses.  WTF was obliged to spend two years wearing a bottle-green pinafore dress, in which she looked perfectly frightful, until the age of 13, her form switched to a skirt. The thing is, Readers, pinafore dresses and tits are not a happy pairing. Not even at all. 

 

Here we are in Milan at Men’s Fashion Week, where we find German/Spanish actor Daniel Bruhl attending the Louis Vuitton show, wearing, er, Louis Vuitton.

There is a distinctly juvenile feel to some of this week’s alleged fashion, including the dashing Daniel, who appears to be attired in the sort of design used for nursery fabrics, except that this fabric is shit-brown, instead of the customary pastel. And there is something very weird about the fit of those trousers.

 

Still in Milan, here is fashion stylist Cristian Azazel attending the Saul Nash fashion show, wearing a very long red leather coat.

That coat seems to be designed for someone taller and broader – for example, that big bloke with the red beard from Game of Thrones who had the hots for Brienne of Tarth. And facially, Cristian is a Lurch lookalikey, who is downright disturbing.

 

Finally, we have American actor Haley Lu Richardson at the premiere of Ponies, wearing Heaven knows what.

No one has owned up to designing this  peekaboo abomination, which is understandable, but the same look could have been obtained in the Dorothy Perkins sale (seen below) for about £8. Meanwhile, the poor love can barely stay upright in those horrible shoes, which are a size too big for her feet.

This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionados the world and their wife, who are sick and tired of reading about the Beckham family feud. It is not as if this week has been without news. But the media is obsessed with the gormless Brooklyn Beckham, firstborn of the Beckham dynasty, his wife Nicola, and their breach with his parents David and Victoria, his two equally gormless brothers Romeo and Cruz, and his little sister Harper. 

The origins of this breakdown have been more closely examined that the causes of the Second World War. The Beckham family blame Nicola as a controlling minx who spurned Victoria’s offer to make her wedding dress. Brooklyn and Nicola now say that his parents are manipulative and obsessed with publicity, and that it was Victoria who refused to make the dress, so that Nicola had to make do with three dresses by Valentino instead. Oh, and Victoria hi-jacked the young couple’s first dance. See pages 1 -25 of The Daily Mirror, The Daily Mail, The Sun and, Heaven help us, even the bloody Guardian. Look. WTF can only observe that if you do not want publicity, or to air your dirty laundry in public, issuing a ten page statement on Instagram is probably not the best way of avoiding it. As far as WTF is concerned, they are all as bad as each other and a period of silence from all of them would be welcome. It’s Got to Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments coming through and your excellent suggestions for It’s Got to Go, as WTF is prone to pine without them. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x