WTF Stray At Home Special

Hallo Readers, 

On Thursday, the UK death toll had risen to over 30,000, but that did not stop the British press from titillating cabin-feverish citizens that the end of the strict lockdown was in sight. They urged Boris Johnson to permit people to go and about, partaking of picnics, and sunbathing on the sands where they could bare their pasty white bits and pieces coram publico, not to mention contracting serious sunburn while getting pissed in the pub garden. But whether they had received a bum steer from their unnamed sources in Whitehall and Westminster, or, more likely, that this shit-show of a Government changed its mind (again), it now appears that caution will not be thrown to the winds just yet, and although we may be allowed to visit a few family members outside our immediate households, er. that will be it. Citizens can at least take comfort from the fact that Johnson was due to address the Nation on Sunday afternoon, at the end of what is likely to be an uncharacteristically warm and sunny Bank Holiday weekend, and by Monday the weather will again be cool and damp, making the prospect of eating sausage rolls and Russian salad al fresco rather less appealing.

The right wing papers are positively rabid in their determination to get us off the sofa and out and back to work, presumably on the basis that people are furloughed and that smacks of socialism. The working class should be working, not watching Homes Under the Hammer. According to the DailyMail, we are all suffering from ‘coronaphobia’, whereas people would just  prefer not to have to go to work on crowded trains and buses, there to contract a potentially deadly virus. First we were told to stay at home because it is dangerous to go out, and now we are being excoriated for staying at home because we think it is dangerous to go out. It is time to find a scapegoat, and as it cannot be the sainted Boris, who cheated death to lead us out of this chaos, it has to be the people who are not at work because they were told not to go, and the scientists who advised us that there needed to be a lockdown in the first place.

Which brings us to Professor Neil Ferguson, whose pandemic projections prompted the stay-at-home policy. It appears that the Professor, or the ‘Bonking Boffin’ as The Sun has christened him, had allowed his lover twice to come round to his house for a bit of the other. Better still, she was a married woman!! And in an open marriage!! And living with her husband in a house worth £1.9 million!! (not when the recession hits, it won’t be). What better to distract us from the rising death rate, and the useless Government and its flip-flop policies than a brainy bloke having a shag with a married woman who lives in a posh house? As a result whereof, all this week we have heard from the Professor (who has now quit his job advising HMG), and from friends of the lover, and from the Professor’s estranged wife, and from his mother-in-law, 79-year-old Elsie Pirie, who stuck up for him, and probably the milkman and the bloke who runs the corner shop at the end of his road,  but WTF had long stopped reading about it by then because she couldn’t give a stuff about Professor Ferguson and his sex life, and she knows the ultimate dead cat bounce when she sees it. Let us have less about the Professor and pub gardens, and more about the 30,000 victims and why they died, and how the rest of us are to stay alive. Because that, Readers, is more important.

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This week’s fashion retrospective has been requested by WTF aficionado Honsa from West London, who wants to be reminded of the serious fashion faux pas committed by actress Salma Hayek. What makes matters so much worse is that Salma is married to French billionaire François-Pierre Pinault, who in effect owns Gucci, Yves St Laurent, Alexander McQueen, Balenciaga, Christopher Kane, Stella McCartney, and Bottega Veneta. You would think that Salma would be the first in line for the pick of their designs, and yet she usually looks dreadful. Perhaps part of the problem is that most of these lines design for stick insects, rather than for Salma’s magnificent embonpoint. But as WTF has remarked on a precious occasion, she always seems to end up with the runt of the litter.

We start in March 2015 with Salma attending the Alexander McQueen exhibition Savage Beauty at London’s Victoria & Albert Museum, wearing McQueen.

The dress was certainly striking, but Salma looked very unhappy in it, probably by reason of the fact that many swans seemed to have died in vain and that two peacocks were using her chest to carry out their mating ritual. And you know what rutting peacocks sound like. Meanwhile, Salma’s stance made her look as if she was desperate for the loo.

Here we are in October 2015, with Salma wearing Bottega Veneta.

No really, what WAS this? It resembled an old army camouflage tent pitched somewhere in the Falklands and it was downright dog-ugly. (Sorry, doggies). 

Now we find ourselves in November 2016, where Salma attended the London premiere I Am Bolt, wearing Gucci.

Had Usain caught sight of Salma, he certainly would have bolted, and given how fast he can run, he would probably got as far as Wimbledon in his attempt to get away from this ridiculous and ill-fitting John Lennon look-a-likey ensemble.

Next, we are in May 2017 at the Cannes Film Festival  where Salma was wearing Gucci.

Every part of this outfit would have to be have improved 100% just to get to putrid, from the ‘Gosh, I’m stoned, I’ve got the spins’ kaleidoscopic flared-led jumpsuit, to the ridiculous brothel-creeper sneakers, to the horrible handbag, to the silly sunglasses. It is no surprise that Salma ended up as a nominee for the coveted title of the 2017 Summer Stinker.

November 2017 found Salma at The Los Angeles County Museum of Art aka  LACMA, which was hosting its Seventh Annual Art+Film Gala. Obviously, she was wearing Gucci,

Her  hair and makeup were beautiful, but not only was this somewhat snug around the tit department, but the fabric looked like the spillage from a bottle of the sort of cheap iridescent nail varnish you find in pound shops. 

In March 2018, Salma attended the Oscars, wearing Gucci.

Last year, the Internet went crazy over the new phenomenon of the washing machine cover, the silliest thing since the Australians thought up a frilly cover to cover their clothes driers for garden parties and weddings. Clearly whoever dreamed this up had caught sight of Salma the previous year. As for Gucci, it was obviously influenced by Rousseau’s observation that ‘Man is born free and everywhere he is in chains’.

And finally, we find ourselves in January 2020 in London, where Salma was out and about in yet more Gucci. 

If Ozzy Osbourne went to a fancy dress party as Mr Toad, this is what he  would have looked like.

 

 

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado and stalwart Leslie from London who is fed up with pandemic car ads. Leslie says ‘Before the pandemic, advertisers would say…. for example…. “Buy an Audi” Now it’s a rather soft focus Scottish accent, the sort of voice a 1950s methodist minister would use for a funeral. And it goes….. “We know these are difficult and uncertain times, but we want you to know that we are here for you. Now buy an Audi”

 It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments rolling in and your nominations both for It’s Got To Go and for celebrities whose clothing choices meriting a fashion retrospective. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good, STAY INDOORS AND AND WASH YOUR HANDS x

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WTF Sick Obsession Special

Lamb casseroleHallo Readers,

Boris Johnson, still recovering from his bout with Covid-19, has became a father again (we think this is number six).  But he cannot hide forever behind either his illness or his new baby. The death rate in the UK is 27,000 and rising. The NHS is woefully ill-equipped with staff donning bin bags and re-using masks – a result, we now discover, of an abject failure to secure the proper Personal Protective Equipment. It also turns out that the Government downgraded the categorisation of the virus to avoid meeting the appropriate requirements for PPE, rather than upgrading the amount of PPE to keep staff and patients safe when the virus hit. All this despite a pandemic training exercise in 2016 which concluded that if the real thing were to happen, the UK would struggle due to a lack of equipment.

On Monday, BBC’s Panorama highlighted these matters, featuring a number of NHS staff who go to work without proper protection, terrified for their lives, and forced to watch their colleagues and their patients dying. Whereupon Tory MPs and newspapers, who should be holding this wretched, woeful, shit-show of a Government to account, attacked Panorama instead because of the politics of the doctors and nurses interviewed in it. One had stood as a Labour MP. Another was the daughter of musician Brian Eno and a member of a group that opposes charging migrants for medical treatment. A third was a friend of former Labour MP Frank Field, and had called Jacob Rees-Mogg  ‘a pompous fool’. A nurse had been seen on Instagram wearing a Jeremy Corbyn badge. Never mind what they were saying – they were ‘Trots’.  Then Lord Sugar attacked the media, including Piers Morgan (who has undergone an amazing transformation from celebrity lickspittle to a forensic interviewer shredding arrogant Ministers into pieces small-enough for a wok stir-fry), for asking difficult questions rather than supportive ones. And the new Tory MP for Stoke-on-Trent North, political pygmy Jonathan Gullis, attacked  the media for having ‘a sick obsession’ with the death rate, a tweet he was forced to delete and grovel over about ten minutes later.

To which WTF says as follows. Of course the media should be highlighting the fact that there are shortages of equipment where there should not have been stockpiles, and that figures are being fiddled (counting one glove as one piece of equipment, for example).  Of course the media should be raising hell about the fact that old people are dying in care homes, and those looking after them on very low wages have no PPE. Of course every single person in this country should be concerned at the horrifically high death rate, and what, if any, exit plan, there may be to emerge from this nightmare. Of course NHS Staff should be speaking out about this. And just because our Prime Minister caught the virus and has fathered yet another child, does not make him or his under-prepared minions, exempt from criticism. How dare journalists,   politicians and TV personalities,  all safely tucked away at home, attack workers on the front line, and lash out at those who expose the dangers to which these heroic people are exposed?  Stop telling us how wonderful the NHS is and start protecting both the people in it and the people treated by it. 

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We need cheering up. This week’s retrospective of fashion fiascos features rapper Cardi B, whose clothing choices have stunned regular readers of this blog for a number of years. Cardi is a former stripper with seriously augmented bosoms, which she splendidly explained away as follows: ‘I can’t swim so I bought these titties so I can float.’ With these things she could have survived the sinking of the Titanic without a lifeboat.

We start in January 2016 at New York Fashion Week, where we find Cardi wearing Laquan Smith.

This might have looked pretty around the hotel pool at the Beverley Hills Hotel, but WTF feels confident in saying that the top was a trifle small, a veritable sprat to catch a mackerel.

We move on to August 2017, where Cardi attended the promotion for the Floyd Mayweather fight against Conor McGregor.

This could very well be the very ugliest thing that WTF has ever seen, like a peekaboo Yogi bear outfit. And WTF still takes particular exception to the encrusted minge.

We move to October 2017 and the BET Hip Hop Awards in Miami, with Cardi wearing Lauren DeWitt.


This was more of a case of Lauren Half-Witt. Not only was this the very textbook definition of what WTF aficionado Anna brilliantly labelled ‘genitalia curtains’, but it also made Cardi look like an exploding glitter ball.

We move to October 2018 where Cardi attended the Power 105.1’s Powerhouse event in New York City. No one owned up to designing this outfit. Good call.

If the Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz went to a fancy dress party as Cardi B, this is what he would look like.

In January 2019, Cardi appeared wearing this denim ensemble by Dolce & Gabbana.

Standing with your hand over your minge is always a good indication that something is awry.  It is best to leave it to Cardi B to explain what was occurring. ‘… these pants is too mother–king tight.  S–t was giving my p—y a wedgie. I hate having p—y wedgies, bro. My p—y be screaming at me like, ‘Bitch! You got me f–ked up! You want a yeast infection, bitch? You want a f–king yeast infection?’”  She may not have wanted one, but wearing this was hardly conducive to her not getting one. Cardi would have been better off either taking a size up or, better still, leaving this foul outfit on the hanger.

The following month, Cardi was at the Grammys wearing vintage Jean-Paul Gauthier. 

You had to admire the artistry in this creation, but the whole thing was very reminiscent of Botticelli’s Birth of Venus. In that painting, Venus covered her minge with her tumbling locks. Cardi B and Jean-Paul decided to use lines of pearls instead. And the jewel emerging from her tummy-button looked like the results of botched surgery.


Here is Cardi in June 2019 at the BET Awards, wearing Nicholas Jebran.

Not so much genitalia curtains as a minge waterfall. Normally it is the prince who turns into a frog, but in a push for sex equality, this time it was the princess. 

Here we are at Paris Fashion Week in September 2019, with Cardi wearing Richard Quinn.

At the time, the face mask looked ridiculous.  But Cardi B clearly had a better understanding of pandemics than most political leaders…

In October 2019, Cardi went out and about in New York City wearing Sally La Pointe.

It was hideous, a leather tribute to Batman villain Two-Face.

And finally, we arrive at the Grammys in January 2020 with Cardi and her spouse, rapper Offset. She was again wearing Nicholas Jebran.

WTF does not have the faintest idea how this dress stayed on, but she does know that Jessica Rabit is alive and well and living in Cardi B.

 

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado and stalwart Yvonne from Jedburgh who was in shock, and then some, on seeing this Donald Trump sandwich.

 Yvonne is in doubt that ‘this sandwich has got to go, before it even takes off as an idea by Donald Trump and his fans’. When she tweeted it, fellow tweeter Maiella replied ‘And it’s so… moist. One for the “just because you can, doesn’t mean you should” pile’. Yvonne and Maiella are both correct. It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments rolling in and your nominations both for It’s Got To Go and for celebrities meriting a fashion retrospective. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good, STAY INDOORS AND AND WASH YOUR HANDS x

 

 

 

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WTF Corona Choice Special

This is dedicated to the memory of my lovely friend Barbara who died one year ago this week, and who was a great fan of this blog. She is much missed.

Hallo Readers,

In the great US state of Georgia, Georgians will be waking up today quivering. Some of them will be quivering because they have coronavirus, but others will be quivering because 24 April is the day they can go and get tattooed, have a hair cut and a pedicure, and go to the gym. Governor Brian Kemp, a man who would need a brain transplant just to qualify for the description of deeply dim, has decreed that this will be so, despite the fact that the rate of infection there is not falling, that the President’s Guidelines stipulate that the rate has to fall for a fortnight before taking teens, tiny, footsteps towards opening stuff, and that social distancing must be followed at all times. And that is not all. On Sunday 26 April, they can go to Church. On Monday 27 April, they can go to the thee-ate-er and eat in restaurants. And thence to hospital a few weeks later, there to benefit from one of the thousands of ventilators President Trump keeps banging on about, before progressing to the celestial version of McDonalds on the Sky, there to meet their Maker. Whose first question will be, ‘what the actual fuck did you think you were doing?’

Even Trump, who has been pushing for re-opening stuff ASAP, has been forced to criticise the Governor’s decision, that is after first praising him and not criticising it, because even a bear of very small brain like him can see that is not easy to have the words MAGA and KAG tattooed upon your epidermis by someone two metres away unless he has a needle the size of a totem pole and twenty-twenty vision. Or for a diminutive Asian nail technician to push back your cuticles and paint your tootsies Seductive Scarlet using a brush bigger than your average basketball player. But Kemp is pressing ahead regardless because the show must go on, because capitalism must thrive, and because he is an idiot. Highwaymen used to demand of travellers, ‘your money or your life’. Now the choice is your hair roots or your life. WTF prefers to colour in her grey bits with a sharpie and hope for the best…….

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By popular demand, this week’s fashion retrospective is about actor Jared Leto, a stalwart of these pages. We start our review of Jared’s injudicious apparel in July 2014 at Paris Fashion Week, where he was wearing Chanel. Women’s Chanel!

Yihaw! Hessian chaps like a cut-price Clint Eastwood and scuffed pink suede boots. The worn-away nature of the scuffed hessian suggested – no doubt wrongly – that there had an element of frottage against a hard surface.

Our next stop is Hollywood in February 2015, when Jared attended the Oscars wearing Givenchy.

Like a lavender wet dream. The last time WTF saw something like that, it was on a pageboy at a spring wedding.  And he could have bought the getup at Marks & Spencer for a fraction of the price….

Here we are in July 2016 at the premiere of the series Great Wide Open,  which he directed, wearing Gucci.

Dolly Parton famously said that ‘it costs me a lot of money to look this cheap’.  Despite the fact that he looked as if he had rolled in dirt, his outfit probably cost the same as a California beach house. As for the footwear, WTF’s dad had a pair of slippers just like those.

We are back to the Oscars, this time the Vanity Fair after party in February 2017.  In Gucci.

He looks like a well-heeled tramp. The whole thing put WTF in mind of the time in 2012 when Ian Beale in EastEnders became a tramp and lived rough in Walford.

In June 2017, Gucci premiered its Cruise Collection and of course, Jared was there.

That is possibly the most ridiculous bathrobe ever. Jared would have been advised to steer clear of any naked flames, as it looked extremely inflammable. The rest of the outfit was like a rancid rainbow of rubbish, down to the silver space shoes like Captain Spock goes gay.

And here is our hero at the Video Music Awards September 2017, in Gucci.

 

If a member of the Grateful Dead went to a fancy dress party as Harry Potter in his invisible cape, this is what he would look like.

September 2018 saw Jared back at Paris Fashion Week, sporting Gucci. 

Oh Lordy. He looks like the lovechild of a fairground fortune-teller and George Harrison in his post-Beatles, Maharishi phase. And those boots indicated that Jared yomped across the Pyrenees to get there.

In December 2018, Jared attended a Christmas party dressed in this Gucci ghastliness.

Who knew that the Snow Queen had such an abundance of facial hair? There seem a lot of things hanging around for no clear purpose, including Jared himself, and those trousers are an assault upon the eyeballs.

In February 2019, he was back at Gucci’s show during Paris Fashion Week.

Sorry but this was a cleaning overall. An expensive, colourful, cleaning overall. Corrie’s Hilda Ogden was alive and well and living in Paris. With a beard.

And finally here we are in Milan in March 2020 at Gucci’s show.

Fuck me, it’s Paddington bear in purple trousers and shoes like gold ingots……

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This week’s It’s Got To Go is from WTF aficionado Zee from Devon, who has taken understandable umbrage at Princess Beatrice, daughter of the nonce’s friend Prince Andrew, who has postponed her wedding to some Italian bloke, again. 

 The first time it was because of the obloquy heaped upon her father after his interview on the BBC about his friendship with Jeffrey Epstein.  HRH reportedly thinks that after coronavirus has passed, everyone will want to celebrate her nuptials with a massive wedding paid for, at least in part, by Tim and Tilly Tosser the taxpayers. Here is the breaking news, No one gives a stuff about Beatrice or her fiancé or her wedding. And should we all come of this nightmare alive, the last thing we will want to do is to fork out to see her in a horse-drawn carriage. It’s Got To Go. 

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your top comments, which gladden WTF’s heart, and your excellent suggestions for  It’s Got To Go and the candidates for the celebritee fashion retrospective. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good, WASH YOUR HANDS AND STAY INDOORS. x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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WTF Corona Champs and Chumps Special

Hallo Readers

Apologies for the layout. Bloody WordPress has buggered around with the format AGAIN. WTF is not happy with WordPress. Not even at all. 

But she is very happy with this man. Captain Tom Moore, aged 99 and  a World War 2 veteran, lives with his daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren in Bedfordshire. Captain Moore turns 100 on 30 April and seeing as his party had to be cancelled due to coronavirus and the guests all being stuck at home, he thought that he would do something else instead. He decided to raise a sum of maybe £1,000 for the NHS by walking 100 lengths of his garden on his Zimmer frame, 10 lengths a day. This wheeze went rather well, because at the time of writing, he has raised an extraordinary £16m.  What a man, what a hero, what a gentleman. WTF has said it before and she will say it again. That wartime generation was – and is –  incredible. Incredible. If Captain Moore is not given a knighthood in the June Honours List, then there will probably be a riot. And WTF will be at the front, throwing rotten fruit about with gusto.

Contrast Captain Moore with the shockers who run Tottenham and Liverpool Football Clubs. When the UK Government launched a scheme to furlough employees and pay 80% of their wages, Tottenham submitted its application. The furlough did not apply to the Spurs’ players, however. They continued to receive full whack for sitting in their garish mock-Tudor mansions on their PlayStations. So Hughie the Hamburger Man and Polly the Programme Seller, who are paid frumpence a week, went down to 80% of frumpence, paid for by Tim and Tilly Tosser the taxpayers, whilst Tanguy Ndombele and Harry Kane still pocketed their £200,000 a week. Meanwhile the club’s owner, billionaire Joe Lewis, is floating about on his £125m yacht in the Bahamas. Liverpool, owned by US billionaire John Henry did the same. Again the people who wash the kit or rake the pitch at half time were put on 80% of not much, while Mo Salah carried on receiving his £200,000 a week. Such was the public outcry that both clubs soon decided they would rather give full pay to all of their staff rather than endure the buckets of ordure directed at them by all and sundry, including their supporters and former players. Other owners , including the ineffable Mike Ashley of Newcastle, first to take advantage of the scheme,  continue to plunder the country’s coffers. Captain Moore may not have much money of his own but he is richer than Croesus when it comes to decency and generosity of spirit. The country salutes you, sir. Thank you.

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This week, by popular demand from Readers various, we feature a fashion retrospective on Lil’ Kim. And not just her changing outfits, but her changing face, because there has definitely been some interference with the workings of nature.

We start in November 2013 when Lil’Kim stepped onstage displaying her bra and more camel toe than the biggest dromedary’s wet dream ever in the history of ever. 

What possessed her?  Meanwhile the manufacturers of Canesten put their workers on overtime, gave the directors a pay rise, and delivered their unguent to Lil’ Kim’s house by tanker. She was a worthy winner of the coveted WTF Christmas Turkey Poll 2013, and no wonder…. Ouch.

Here we are at the Soul Train Awards in November 2014 with our lil’ friend wearing Tom Ford. Tom Ford!!!!

Those boots are the pits, not least as their toelessness display very shiny pantyhose. As for the outfit, if a hatcheck girl went to a fancy dress party as a kinky member of Hitler Youth, this is what she would look like.

In December 2015, Lil’ Kim went to the Growing Up Hip Hop Awards wearing this bizarre thing.

The jacket is fine, but as you can see, Lil’Kim does not consider herself dressed unless there is at least some part of her person on display which would normally be covered up by God-fearing folk. On this occasion, it is her crotch. It often is. Oh, and blond is so not her colour.

In July 2016, Lil’ Kim graced Paris Fashion Week wearing Ralph & Russo.

Wearing is not quite the accurate word, is it? It is difficult to decide whether she needed to take a size up or just could not be arsed to tie her (very pretty) robe properly, but whichever the reason, going out coram publico in a swimsuit flashing a great deal of tit, a diamond necklace and tights shinier than a sergeant-major’s shoes is just plain silly. It maybe that this was all inspired by Katherine Hepburn in The Philadelphia Story, but Ms H did it much, much better…and without those ugly shoes.

We move to June 2017 where our heroine was clad in something or other by Angel Brinks at his fashion show.

To be frank, this was not so much a case of brinks as going way over the top and then heading out towards infinity. Lil’ Kim probably did not mean to look like an uber-shiny Laa-Laa from the Teletubbies, but Readers, she did, she really did.  ‘Eh-oh!!’

February 2018 saw Lil ‘Kim at New York Fashion Week wearing Balenciaga.

The immensely vulgar shearling jacket cost $4,000, but the main horror were the yellow tights, which put WTF in mind of Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night where Olivia’s steward Malvolio is tricked into wearing yellow stockings. 

‘If you will then see the fruits of the sport, mark his first approach before my lady. He will come to her in yellow stockings, and ’tis a color she abhors, and cross-gartered, a fashion she detests’.

Later that year, in September, Lil’ Kim modelled the VFILES Yellow Label Line by designer Paul Cupo.

Oh Lord! Why was this even happening? She looked like the love-child of a Barbie-doll skater and a bowl of banana ice cream.

2019 was a VERY bad year. First in June Lil’ Kim attended the BET Awards wearing whatever the hell this was and Chanel accessories.

That is probably the silliest handbag WTF ever did see in her life. Maybe Lil’ Kim was going tenpin bowling afterwards. As for the dress, WTF detests pleated tits almost above all things and the whole thing was reminiscent of a scaly anteater.

In September,  she was to be seen at the US Weekly party in this alleged ‘dress’ and hideous boots.

Why was she wearing a haystack?

Finally, here we are in October 2019 at the Hip Hop Awards with Lil’ Kim wearing Gucci.

Lil ‘Kim’s hair was full-on Mrs Slocum from the 1970’s TV comedy Are You Being Served? This was about the most coverage we have ever seen on her, but there was still an over-abundance of tit, some very slithery fabric and some of the worst sandals ever seen in public.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go is from WTF aficionado WTF, who wants to know why anyone with 10% of a brain cell thought it would be a good idea to allow 60,000 people to gather together cheek by jowl at the Cheltenham Race Festival between 10 and 13 March this year, long after it was clear that people were infecting each other with coronavirus and that people could die. But no, thousands of twats trotted along, got pissed, and lost their money, And then who knows how many of them got ill or made other people ill? Criminally negligent. It’s Got To Go. And sadly, as a result of it, many people probably have.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your top comments, which gladden WTF’s heart, and your excellent suggestions for  It’s Got To Go and the candidates for the celebritee fashion retrospective. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good, WASH YOUR HANDS AND STAY INDOORS. x

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WTF Chuckles Special

Hallo Readers,

It has been grim this week. Really grim. And by all accounts, it is going to get grimmer. So given that it is both Easter and Passover, let us stay away from blame, recriminations and bile; instead we will consider some of the things this week that made us feel just a little better.

  • The Queen. Sod it, this is my blog and I can write what I want. She came on the telly last Sunday night clad in emerald green and she absolutely smashed it. It was like listening to your granny telling you that everything was going to be alright. OK, most people’s grannies do not live in a castle. But, unlike some whom WTF could mention, but won’t, she struck the right note. If only she had gone full Vera Lynn and sung We’ll Meet Again at the end, it would have been faultless. Good show Ma’am.
  • Boris is out of intensive care. It does not matter whether you dislike the man intensely. Anyone with a shred of decency would not be wishing anyone dead from this virus. Plus, it gets us nearer to not having to see the gormless Dominic Raab as acting front of house, a man with all the charisma of a bucket of cold custard. When you start thinking fondly of Michael Gove, you know that things are bad.
  • The splendid new practice in Australia of taking your bins out in fancy dress  (the householders, not the bins), like a socially-distanced street party. Whoever thought up the slogan ‘our bins get out more than we do’ deserves an extra Easter Egg. As long as whoever goes to buy it wears a mask.
  • The even more splendid practice of the weekly Thursday night applause at 8 pm for those people who risk their lives every day to keep us safe – not just NHS staff, but carers, shop staff, delivery drivers and transport staff. And the growing recognition that all off these people have not only been underpaid for decades, but wholly under-appreciated. Thank you.
  • Jacinda Ardern, Prime Minister of New Zealand, has not only played a blinder throughout this corona crisis (death toll, one person), but took time to assure her country’s kiddies that Easter Bunnies were essential workers; although she did warn them “.. if the Easter Bunny doesn’t make it to your household, then we have to understand that it’s a bit difficult at the moment for the bunny to perhaps get everywhere”
  • Finally, nothing lifts the spirits like a celebritee sex romp. This week it was footballer Kyle Walker, a man whose IQ is so small you have to look for it using police sniffer dogs. Walker’s idea of #stayathome was to order in a couple of hookers to entertain him and a mate. One of these young ladies, Louise McNamara, 21, a criminology student at Manchester Metropolitan University pocketed eleven hundred pounds (in cash), and then proceeded to pocket thousands more by telling her story to The Sun, which published it on the justification that Kyle had counselled his fans to stay indoors and so was a rank hypocrite. WTF was more struck by the fact that Louise, who has more tattoos than a Popeye Convention, and great deal of hair that is patently not her own, was selected for this gig by her agency because Kyle had asked for someone ‘classy’. Which makes you wonder what her companions are like. Yurgle.

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Hardly had last week’s blog hit your screens, inviting your nominations for celebritee fashion retrospectives, some of you were calling for a feature on Lewis Hamilton, So here he is. Readers are advised to have a receptacle to hand….

We start in September 2014 at the GQ Awards in London with Lewis’ then girlfriend Nicole Scherzinger. She was wearing Ermanno Scervino and looked lovely. He was wearing Armani and D2quare2 Trainers and looked silly. 

The jacket is as shiny as a beetle’s carapace.

However, what caught WTF’s appalled eye were the trainers with white soles. TRAINERS!!! With a dinner jacket. Kill me now.

We move to June 2015, and find Lewis in London at the premiere of Minions, wearing a jacket by Adidas x Pharrell (£525), jeans and trainers both by YSL and a really stupid hat.

There is a village somewhere missing its idiot. 

We move to January 2016 and Paris Fashion Week with our hero wearing Louis Vuitton.

There is something rather clerical about that collar, but then we have layer upon layer of tastefully-hued silks, like Mme de Pompadour in her boudoir.

Still in Paris, this time in January 2017 with Lewis clad in Balmain.

Olé!! And again WTF says olé!  But not olé to those ridiculous boots…

In September 2017, Lewis attended Milan Fashion Week wearing Missoni.

Lewis rightfully won the WTF Christmas Turkey 2017 for this get up. No one was quite sure what he was wearing under the coat, which seemed to have been borrowed from the world’s tallest lumberjack, but those spindly little legs in huge boots looked positively preposterous, and WTF is being kind.

In 2017 Lewis hooked up with designer Tommy Hilfiger and became his Ambassador. In December 2017, he wore this creation to the Hilfiger show at London Fashion Week.

Question. Does Lewis actually own a pair of ordinary shoes? Does he suffer badly from corns? Or from bunions the size of onions? And above the ankles, he looked like a deckchair.

Jump forward to December 2017 at the British Fashion Awards, where Lewis wore Versace. He is seen here with Donatella Versace (who looks great in one of the label’s signature prints).

As WTF wrote at the time, Lewis was giving us his Twatty McTwatty look with hiking boots and a necklace over a polo neck and a hanging hankie, mirroring Donatella’s dress, in homage to Captain Sparrow. WTF also posed the question, why did he always have to look like such a knob? She conjectured that teams of rocket scientists were currently working around the clock to resolve this conundrum. And they still are, two years on….

In May 2018, Lewis attended the amFAR Gala in Cannes. This one is a shocker…. 

Whoever designed this excrescence wisely kept it quiet. You can see why… if a waiter in a diner went to a fancy dress party as a blingy concentration camp inmate, this is what he would look like.

We are now in June 2019 where we see Lewis at Paris Men’s Fashion Week wearing Valentino.

Those jeans were not designed with Lewis in mind (he is 5’7″) – they have been folded over, like a child anticipating a growth spurt. Meanwhile, those trainers were downright manky, As for the top, as WTF observed at the time, he resembled an extra from Dinner Ladies.

We conclude with Lewis gracing the cover of GQ in July 2019. He is wearing a kilt designed by renowned Scotsman Tommy Hilfiger.

WTF is only surprised that Nicola Sturgeon did not apply for an injunction on the grounds that this constituted defamation of the entire Scottish Nation. You never saw Mel Gibson wearing a necklace in Braveheart.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go is from WTF aficionado WTF from Islington who was seriously unhappy to come across this nastiness.

maternity gown

Yes, you and your loved one can capture that blissful moment of advanced pregnancy by being photographed hand in hand with the mother-to-be dressed like a Grecian Goddess showing her panties. Ye gods.  It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your top comments, which gladden WTF’s heart, and your excellent suggestions for  It’s Got To Go and the candidates for the celebritee fashion retrospective. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good, WASH YOUR HANDS AND STAY INDOORS. x

 

 

Posted in Boris Johnson, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Coronavirus, Fashion Disasters, Football, Politics, The Queen, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged | 2 Comments

WTF Corona Cockup Special

Hallo Readers,

So how is your lockdown going? If you have a partner, are you planning on consulting a solicitor the moment the siren blows and we can all venture outdoors again? Are you fantasising about putting the kids up for adoption? Are you dreaming of an omelette or freshly baked bread? Are you fed up with climbing over your loo-roll mountain every time you go into the garage? It is like being retired without the benefits of your free bus pass and cheap cinema tickets.

This may be a war but this is not like the Blitz. In full knowledge that a bomb could blow you and yours to smithereens any second, people went out and about and savoured the moment. They got married, they had sex, they went to the pub, and they went to see films and plays and musicals and concerts. But none of those options are available (except the sex, and even then your options are very limited). You are stuck indoors, apart from terrified trips to the shops in search of foodstuffs, distilled almost to jelly with the act of fear when anyone encroaches into your personal six-feet exclusion zone, ears cocked for every cough and sniffle and body stiffened against a potential droplet of sputum heading your way, And it is not like the Blitz, because then you knew who the enemy was, and you could hate the enemy and claim the moral high ground. And, at least after 1940, you had a leader in whom you could trust, both on this side of the Atlantic and the other side. Sixty years later, your enemy is a virus and your leaders are idiots who have misjudged this every step of the way, failed to prepare for what was coming, and left us all in  danger. They put the Market above our health and safety, until they realised that they would not be allowed to get away with it. They talked down the threat of the virus and let us all go out and mingle, with disastrous results. They failed to buy in the equipment necessary to protect our medical staff and to save our lives. They talked endlessly of testing, but failed to provide enough for those who need it. They are fighting a war without giving their troops the necessary equipment. They are downright bloody useless, and the result is that the anger and resentment a previous generation directed at Hitler, Mussolini and Hirohito is rewound endlessly on TV and social media and directed at the people who are supposed to be rescuing us, either because they didn’t rescue us soon enough or because their rescuing us is imperilling someone’s share portfolio. In the First World War, the incompetence of the generals caused people to say that Lions Led By Donkeys. Today, with doctors recycling their masks and going down like ninepins, Heroes Led By Dimwits. We can wash our hands as often as we like, but sadly we cannot wash our hands of them.

Stay safe everyone.

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You may have noticed, no one is going out, unless it is to go to score eggs at the supermarket, go down the off licence, or pop into the COVID-19 centre. So WTF has decided to take a different path, and to consider the sartorial history of many of our regular celebrities over the years that she has been taking the piss out of celebrity fashion. If you would like to nominate a celebrity for next week, feel free to comment below or to tweet @WTF_EEK. To kick off, we have one of our most regular regulars, Rita Ora, with seven years’ worth of horror to keep you entertained. We begin in July 2013 with our heroine in concert at London wearing Ashish.

Rita has a great body. We know this because we have seen more of it than Rita’s personal physician, boyfriends and masseuse combined. But was it really necessary for her to flash her bra? Meanwhile, those “jeans” are what would happen if DJ Khalid had sex with a glossy downpipe. 

Here we are in June 2014 with Rita wearing Jaime Lee,

En route to whichever Red Carpet event this was, Rita’s limousine ran over a swan, whereupon she scooped up the remains of the roadkill and wrapped it around herself so as to lessen the effect of the Minge Moment.

Here’s Rita in London in October 2015 at a recording of The X Factor, wearing Emmanual Ungaro.

Those boot are the pits, like elaborately decorated tent poles at a posh marquee wedding.

January 2016 saw Rita in Paris for fashion week, wearing Versace. 

Nowadays we all recognise that shade of orange as Trump Visage – in those halcyon days, we had no idea what was coming at us. We had more difficulty in getting our heads around this getup, which was essentially what Wilma Flintstone would have worn at a Bedrock S&M club.

We are now in July 2016 with Rita wearing Philipp Plein.

Wearing is perhaps a trifle inaccurate, but it gives WTF a chance to repeat one of her favourite maxims, namely that if you have to hold your hand over your minge when disembarking, there is something wrong with your dress. And with you for wearing it.

In October 2017, Rita appeared at the BBC Radio 1 Teen Awards in London, wearing Burberry.

This is about the silliest outfit Burberry ever produced, as if Just William were to go designer shopping. Football hooligans various used to wear Burberry before it went poncy and this is exactly what they used to look like.

 

At the end of that year, November 2017 to be exact, Rita went to the MTV EMA Awards in London, wearing Palomo Spain.

WTF was firm on this point at the time, and she still is. This was a bathrobe. It was a very nice bathrobe. But it was a bathrobe. A bathrobe worn with sparkling stilettos and a rather fine diamond necklace was still a bathrobe. One can but be grateful that she was wearing panties.

Here we are in August 2018 in London with Rita wearing Koché.

WTF does not even know what this was supposed to be. At the time she thought Rita was wearing an Arsenal shirt, but it wasn’t, it was (as WTF aficionado Norman points out), a Paris St Germain shirt. Whatever it was, it looked like someone threw up over her, and with good reason, because this is positively emetic.

September 2019 saw Rita at Milan Fashion Week attending the amFAR Gala, wearing Prada.

If a white dragon went to a fancy dress party as Caspar the Friendly Ghost, this is what it would look like.

A month later, in October 2019, she appeared in this thing.

Frankly, there is always a problem when there is more material in your boots than in your dress. This appears to be a child’s shiny romper suit with a double side helping of side boob and some ugly-looking tattoos. 

Our last selection is Rita in December 2019 at the Capital Radio Jingle Bell Ball in London, wearing Guy Laroche.

Is she about to have a C-section? This combines pretty much everything WTF dislikes – peekaboo, bellybutton, toeless boots and one sleeve on a two-armed person. And extra minus points for the turd topknot.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go is from WTF aficionado Jen from London, who has taken exception to these clear plastic men’s swim shorts.  

No, sorry, this is getting out of hand. Many WTF Readers are still recovering from Bobby Norris and his thing in a thong, aka the cock sock, but at least his thing was covered up. Just think what would happen if someone decided to dispense with the under garment. We can all agree that It’s Got To Go. 

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your top comments, which gladden WTF’s heart, and your excellent suggestions It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good AND WASH YOUR HANDS. x

 

 

 

Posted in amFAR, Andrew Cuomo, Anthony Fauci, Boris Johnson, Brexit, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Coronavirus, Donald Trump, Fashion, Fashion Awards, Fashion Disasters, Football, Matt Hancock, Meghan Markle, Piers Morgan, Politics, Prince Charles, Prince Harry, Royal Family, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged | 4 Comments

WTF Corona Chic Special

Hallo Readers,

So weeks after anyone who knew anything about anything knew that this was going to be big, and that it was going to be bad, and that the best way to avoid it was to stay indoors for the foreseeable future, the British Government decided that this was going to be big and that it was going to be bad, and that the best way to avoid it was to stay indoors for the foreseeable future. But only after it had spent a couple of weeks pursuing a policy that the old, the broken down, the disadvantaged, and the not completely well, would be hauled off to the knackers yard and save the NHS a fortune. And then it spent another week telling people that it would be awfully nice if they were to stay indoors and keep out of the way of the virus, whereupon a large number of people kept going to work on crowded tube trains and buses, and going out to dinner, and boozing in the pub, and enjoying the spring sunshine in groups, and engaging in man to man combat in the supermarket aisles for that last bottle of Flash and that last packet of disinfectant wipes, with everyone coughing all over each other in close proximity. On Monday, the Government finally ordered people to stay indoors, save for walking the dog, visiting your sick relatives and engaging in man to man combat in the supermarket aisles for that last bottle of Flash and that last packet of disinfectant wipes. Whereupon a large number of people kept going to work on crowded tube trains and buses, and boozing in parks, and enjoying the spring sunshine in groups, with joggers running six inches away from you as you walk the dog, instead of six feet, and engaging in man to man combat in the supermarket aisles for that last bottle of Flash and that last packet of disinfectant wipes with everyone coughing all over each other in close proximity. And the death rate keeps rising, and the NHS staff still can’t get tested for the virus they are treating everyone for, and hospitals are running out of personal protective equipment and ventilators because the Government didn’t get around to ordering any weeks ago, when everyone who knew anything about anything knew that this was going to be big and that it was going to be bad.

In such circumstances, with most of the country still in their pyjamas until lunchtime, the main activities have been: 

  • getting up at 4 am to nab that Ocado delivery slot five weeks hence,
  • abusing the fat cats who made millions off the work force, but who prefer not to pay their wages and so have laid them off,
  • wallowing in buckets of schadenfreude that Prince Charles has got the virus, although fortunately still in good health,
  • banging dustbins in praise of the NHS workers whose health and welfare they have imperilled by behaving like selfish bastards for weeks on end, and
  • getting very worked up when they see a celebritee trending on Twitter, only to find that they haven’t actually died, but have said something stupid or joined with other celebrities in caterwauling some uplifting ballad on YouTube. 

And this is only five days in……..Stay safe everyone.

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Look Readers, let me be frank. Hardly any bugger is going out. There is no red carpet. Life is tough for a piss-taking fashion blogger in such circumstances. WTF is put in mind of Evelyn Waugh’s Vile Bodies, where a newspaper gossip columnist, aka Mr Chatterbox, commits suicide after libelling everyone who is anyone in London Society. As a result, and some sixty-odd writs later, the new Mr Chatterbox, Adam Fenwick-Symes, is reduced to making people up, including a Count Cincinnati who wears a bottle green bowler hat. Readers, things have not got quite as bad as that, but WTF has had to cast the net wide this week, although there have been some surprisingly rich pickings. 

We start our review of the week’s corona chic with epidemiologist, Professor Chris Whitty,  a stalwart of of many of the Prime Ministerial briefings.

Look, the prof is a busy man, handling the Nation’s coronavirus outbreak. WTF gets that. But that is no excuse for looking like a sack of shit. That shirt is not fresh on. The collar its a disgrace – as WTF aficionado Andrew commented, he is wearing a size 17 collar on a size 14 neck. And the tie is manky. If he cannot do better than this, then let him come to the press briefings in scrubs and be done with it. That is, if he can find any.

Donald Trump becomes ever more ridiculous and ever more orange with every press briefing.

Frankly at this point, we would all like him to don a face mark, one made out of sticky tape covering his mouth. Instead, he has chosen to don an eye mask while spray tanning, or whatever he does to get to that hue, making him appear to be peering out from inside an overripe pumpkin. How can he actually think that he looks good like this?

Next up, we have Real Housewife of New Jersey Melissa Gorga nipping down to the mailbox in face mask, surgical gloves and gym kit. 

That driveway is very Anthony Soprano, but the mask is more Anthony Hopkins in The Silence of the Lambs.

To Slovakia, where we find its Prime Minister Zuzana Čaputová wearing Kuzmi.

Is that face mask germ-proof? She looks like a magenta bank robber with colour coordinated footwear. And with respect, Madam Prime Minister, you probably needed to take a size up.

And here she is again, celebritee Lauren Goodger, popping down the shops.


As WTF aficionado Susie observed, Lauren is the gift that keeps on giving…. everything fake and protruding, Chanel handbag chain slung over her enormous breasts like a mountaineer’s climbing rope, and a yashmak like a Turkish pantomime princess.

Finally, we have singer and producer Erikah Badu, wearing Louis Vuitton.

Oh please…. an LV hazmat suit? And why does she have a pair of Pomeranians on her feet?

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This week’s It’s Got To Go is from WTF aficionado, Michael from Sydney, who is aghast at these foul, fully insulated, sleeping bag onesies with built in camel toe.

Yours for only AUS$49 95. Can you get the virus from grass? Whatever, It’s Got To Go. 

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your top comments, which gladden WTF’s heart, and your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

Posted in Boris Johnson, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Chanel, Chris Whitty, Coronavirus, Donald Trump, Fashion, Fashion Disasters, Politics, Prince Charles, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , | 6 Comments

WTF Corona Clowns Special

Hallo Readers,

WTF is bringing out the blog for as long as there is something to write about, even though the fashion part might get a bit scarce, given that everyone is locked down. But while we can still manage a smile, let us try and prompt one. Here is WTF’s selection of the week’s Corona Clowns.

  • Boris Johnson – Cometh the hour, cometh the hopeless. If you want a brazen, floppy-haired liar to crack a few jokes and repeat ‘Let’s Get Brexit Done’ ad nauseam, Boris is your man. When it comes to dealing with a pandemic, you would be better off with Dwayne Johnson (aka The Rock) or Boris Becker or a wobbly banana blancmange. When questioned by journalists at the daily press conferences, Johnson B looks like a guilty toddler who has done a whoopsie in his pants but does not want to admit it as he might not get any sweeties after tea. Last week, he was all for sacrificing 250,000 citizens to save the NHS the bother of looking after us, given that ten years of Tory Government has run it into the ground and it clearly cannot cope. This week, he is telling everyone to stay indoors for the foreseeable future, although he will not make it mandatory, thus allowing another week of people going out and about and infecting each other. But then, this was the man who proudly boasted only a few weeks ago that he would happily shake everyone’s hand, even in hospitals.
  • Donald Trump – See Boris Johnson.  With knobs on, as the US has five times the population of the UK. Just shut up and leave the talking to the experts. 
  • Mike Pence – If Pence ever needs a new career (and please God, may that be in January 2021), he could go into gay porn, because he clearly has no problems giving blowjobs in public. His verbal fellatio of the President is unquestionably the most nauseating sight and sound in modern life. At a press conference the other day, as he praised the Orange Moron to the skies, a wit tweeted ‘someone grab Pence’s legs quick before he completely disappears up Trump’s ass’. Quite. Although he seems to like it up there, so he may not want to be rescued.
  • Fat British yobs various in Benidorm – Determined to show Europe what it will be missing, a bunch of ghastly, sun-burnt, shaven-headed, fat-stomached,  tattooed plankton on their holidays gathered in the streets of Benidorm to get pissed and ‘sing’ football songs, despite the Spanish Government having put the whole country into quarantine. One portly moron informed an appalled TV interviewer – ‘it’s just the ‘flu innit?’ Er no, fatso, it isn’t. They were lucky that the Spanish Police did not get lively with their batons, as they are wont to do. And to be frank, many of us would have enjoyed watching.
  • Brainless young people out and about in crowded bars, pubs and beaches – See above. Buoyed by the belief that they are not going to get ill from the virus, they are partying like it’s 1999. Sadly, new evidence shows that being young may not be the shield they thought it to be. But in any event, they could still be carriers and might end up killing their grannies. Not that they would probably care.
  • Bog-roll hoardersYes, they are still at it, emptying the shelves like a plague of locust attacking Africa. No person is too elderly not to be shoved aside whilst grabbing the last roll of Andrex with extra Aloe Vera. No kiddie is too small not to be manhandled if he or she is standing between the shopper and a packet of penne pasta. Meanwhile, they are stockpiling cigarettes on the basis that while keeping safe from coronavirus, they might as well die from lung cancer instead. 

Stay safe, guys……

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Look, WTF won’t lie. When no one goes out, this blog is tough to produce. She has done her best. Who knows what on earth will be on show next week. If anything at all. Direct your complaints to Mr B Johnson, Mr D Trump and President bloody Xi. Anyway here we go….

Let us kick off this survey of the week’s fashion faux pas with double Oscar-winning actress Hilary Swank, wearing Elie Saab.

At forty-six, Hilary is about thirty-five years too old for this frilly ensemble, which was last seen on 1930s child star Shirley Temple.

This is actor Matthew Morrison looking very silly.

These are four bad pieces of clothing, made all the worse by their being worn together. The trewsies appear to have shrunk in the wash but most offensive is the Italian priest’s hat. Just very bad.

hat

Here we are in London where we find radio presenter Kelly Brook wearing Hush.

Dearie me, this is unflattering. If a cartoon leopard went to a fancy dress party as Kelly Brook, this is what it would look like.

Meet actress and film writer Hannah Marks wearing Elkin.

Do not adjust your eyeballs. Not so much a case of checks and balances as Laura Ashley (RIP) and tartan imbalances. And the bag is absurd. Bonkers.

Back in London we have singer Rita Ora out and about, wearing Courrèges. 

Wozzis?  Peekaboo leggings over a caffe latte undergarment. It is fouler than a foul, foul thing lurking at the bottom of a swamp. And the rear view is worse. 

She has Paris written on her bum. Why would you have Paris written on your bum? #baffled

Finally, say hallo to Little Women‘s director Greta Gerwig in New York at the premiere of the movie  ‘Never Rarely Sometimes Always’, wearing Farm Rio.

This should never be worn. Ever. It looks like a kaleidoscope has thrown up all over her.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go is from WTF aficionado Amski, who is unimpressed with the new Saint Laurent ad for the women’s fashion range.

What on earth is occurring? It is only about ten days since International Women’s Day and here is St Laurent playing titterama with a giant mushroom bodice. Amski is right. It’s Got To Go. 

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your top comments, which gladden WTF’s heart, and your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good and wash your hands. x

 

Posted in Andrew Cuomo, Anthony Fauci, Boris Johnson, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Coronavirus, Donald Trump, Fashion, Fashion Disasters, Joe Biden, Mike Pence, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

WTF Bog-roll Special

Hallo Readers,

So are you feeling confident that World Leaders have got a grip on coronavirus? Do you believe that Boris Johnson has got his finger on the Nation’s fevered pulse? Are you reassured by Donald Trump’s steadying hand on the tiller? Because if you are, you are either taking lots of happy pills or are more chilled than a freezer-full of ice cream. That is if you can find any ice cream in the shops, or indeed anything in the shops. Every day, across the world, citizens are engaging in person-to-person combat in supermarket aisles as they try and pile their trollies high with umpteen mega-jumbo-packs of bog-rolls, disinfectant wipes and rigatoni. Between 1920 and 1933, America imposed an alcohol ban which led to boot-legging and violent crime. Now, chemists are flogging hand sanitiser, usually sold for a few quid, at ten times the price.  Once people used to stockpile whisky. Now they will probably have to use it to wipe down their kitchens and clean their hands. Of course, it does not occur to these panicked fools that if they buy all the health products, others without access to them will not be able to protect themselves and pass the virus on to them. Dentists, doctors, carers, will suffer. Welcome to the Fuck-You-I’m-Fine society. Don’t it make you feel proud?

Of course pandemics cause panic and chaos, but management to date has been dismal, and nowhere more dismal than in America, where the idiot Trump spent so much time telling everyone that this was just like ‘flu, that everything would be fine, and that the media and the Democrats were stirring things up, that he ran out of time to make things better. He kept assuring the public that tests are available for any citizen who wants one, which is an orange-faced lie. His televised address on Wednesday, delivered in a flat monotone like a I-speak-your-weight machine, when he banned flights from Europe and said things were serious, must have come as a surprise to the ardent morons who worship him and who had joined him in scoffing at the seriousness of the situation. Prominent Republican politicians have had to self-isolate (please let that carry on indefinitely). But even on Thursday, he was maintaining that there were millions of tests available, while the sainted Dr Anthony Fauci, who is on the Coronavirus task-force and is an actual doctor, admitted to Congress (on oath) that ‘we have failed’. As most people are not being tested, no one has the faintest idea how many Americans have it. Meanwhile over in the UK, there is no travel ban, no ban on large gatherings, no ban on sporting events, no closure of schools, and Johnson has airily told the public that ‘many loved ones will die’ And now that Trump has banned flights from Europe, but exempted Brits and the Irish, European travellers will just fly here and transit to the US. It is an ill wind that blows nobody any good, particularly the winds across the Atlantic.

At least one person is keeping a sense of perspective. Last week, First Lady Melania Trump, she of the Einstein entry visa, tweeted a photo of herself plastered in makeup with her hair tweaked to within an inch of its life, wearing a hard hat and pretending to inspect architectural drawings for a new tennis pavilion at the White House. She told usI am excited to share the progress of the Tennis Pavillion at @WhiteHouse. Thank you to the talented team for their hard work and dedication.’ When this tone-deaf, Marie-Antoinette-with-a-tennis-racket drivel was widely met with a  negative response, she got into a spin and tweeted again two days later ‘I encourage everyone who chooses to be negative & question my work at the @WhiteHouse to take time and contribute something good & productive in their own communities. #BeBest’, only to be met with another volley of abuse. So US citizens, never mind that you cannot find anything with which to wipe your bum, and that spaghetti is but a distant dream. Next year the Bidens will have a lovely new tennis pavilion. And if that does not cheer you up, WTF does not know what will.

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Bloody hell, we need a laugh this week of all weeks. So let us start our review of the fashion flotsam with singer Harry Styles, wearing Gucci. 

WTF aficionado Mark from Essex was so appalled by this apparition that he sent it in with this emoji. And no wonder. Harry is dressed as Katherine Hepburn, one of the first Hollywood actresses to wear trousers.

Here is model Suki Waterhouse at the premiere of the new movie Behaviour, wearing Reem Acra.

The coat is nice. The rest of the ensemble seems to consist of a ice-skating costume with a couple of deceased skunks hanging off a stupid sheer skirt.

We are at the Global Awards in London where we encounter singer Camila Cabello wearing Dolce & Gabbana.

This is a cross between an Edwardian courtesan and a French maid. Where is the bottom half of this outfit? Oooh la la ….

And also there was TV presenter Kate Garraway wearing Very.

This is very. Very horrible, like something the late lamented Nanny Pat, her off TOWIE, would wear.

This is dancer and TV talent show judge Paula Abdul wearing Michael de Paolo at an event in Las Vegas called Keep Memory Alive.

WTF would rather that her memory of Paula’s outfit were entirely obliterated. And of the shoes decorated with moss. If a leprechaun went to a fancy dress party as an Elizabethan courtier, this is what he would look like.

Here is actress Katja Herbers wearing Iris van Herpen.

Iris’ designs are beautiful but something has gone seriously awry here around the crotch, because the lining looks like the sort of nappy worn by Sumo wrestlers. 

We are at the premiere of Bloodshot whee we meet one of the stars, actress Eiza Gonzalez, wearing Christopher Kane.

This is distinctly mingey, and you worry about what you may be seeing, whether you are actually seeing it or not. The whole thing is evocative of Janet Leigh behind the blood-soaked shower curtain in Psycho. (As it was a black and white movie, they used chocolate. Honestly.)

Here is one of our regulars, singer Celine Dion, wearing Prada.

WTF likes a laugh as well as the next person, but this is ridiculous. This is the sort of thing worn by refuse collectors, except that Celine could not be a refuse collector as she seems to have lost her arms. At least she will never get lost in a snowstorm.

 Finally, we have singer Meghan Trainor wearing Christian Cowan.

Well this is colourful. In the way that Herry Monster is colourful. Extra minus points for the blue pigtails.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go is from WTF aficionado, Annie from the North Pennines, scoring a rare entry two-weeks-running which is pretty impressive. Last week, it was circus-tent-like inflatable latex trousers. This week it’s Rick Owens fashion show in Paris. Cop a load of this….

What on earth is occurring? It’s a fashion show, not the Moscow State Circus. And the clothes are horrible as well. Rick Owens – stop it. It’s Got To Go. 

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your top comments, which gladden. WTF’s hearts and your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

 

 

Posted in Barack Obama, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Coronavirus, Donald Trump, Fashion, Fashion Awards, Fashion Disasters, Football, Joe Biden, Melania Trump, Politics, Uncategorized, US Election, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

WTF Biden My Time Special

Hallo Readers, 

So Super Tuesday came and went and a number of candidates went with it – Mayor Pete Buttigieg, Senator Amy Klobuchar and multi-billionaire (a real one) Mike Bloomberg. All of whom came out and supported Obama’s Vice-President Joe Biden, who bolted out of nowhere to win 10 out of 14 states. He had been Biden his time, having been declared dead after a very poor showing on the first couple of primaries. Bloomberg spent $1bn on his brief and ill-fated campaign but, Readers, do not worry about him – he still has about $60bn left, so there will be no need for any economies in his household budget and he can probably still afford a summer holiday, coronavirus permitting. Senator Elizabeth Warren (70), who is smarter than all of the remaining candidates put together, dropped out yesterday. Which leaves the Democratic fight to two male septuagenarians, Biden (77) and Senator Bernie Sanders (78), with the winner taking on Donald Trump (a mere stripling of 73) in November. 

None of these three is remotely the best option. Trump is unspeakable, as well as mind-bogglingly stupid. This week, appalled onlookers were treated to the sight of him enquiring of the world’s leading experts on viruses whether the existing ‘flu vaccine would work on the coronavirus. (Answer – of course not, you fucking idiot. IT IS A DIFFERENT VIRUS. But then he thinks that it is called corona flu…..). Trump is less concerned with the victims and more concerned with the effect on the Stock Market, his main USP in the forthcoming election. He also contradicted the World Health Organisation’s estimate that 3.4% of those contracting the virus will die, this based on his own ‘hunch’. Sanders (who is not even a Democrat, but an Independent who caucuses with the Democrats) has many good points, but also has three main drawbacks. First, he is manifestly too left wing for most Americans to vote for, which means he will not beat Trump. Second, his supporters have the same cultish devotion and boorishness as our own Corbinistas, and are furious at every Democrat who had the temerity to vote for someone other than their beloved Object. Third, he constantly attacks the Establishment and millionaires, although he is a Senator and a millionaire who owns three homes. As for Biden, he also has many good points but WTF worries that he has, as her late mother used to say, gone old. He can seem as sharp as a bumper bag of cotton wool. His sentences sometimes drift off into the hinterlands of comprehension, if they even get that far. His foot is often placed firmly inside his mouth. Much as one wants to love him, and there is much to love, it is difficult not to worry about a 77-year-old whose memory seems to be fading and who often lacks energy. But even a half-functioning Biden is better than a fully-functioning Trump, always assuming that he is actually fully functioning, about which WTF entertains great doubt. Hell, a box of coronavirus-soaked tissues is better than a fully-functioning Trump, because Trump peddles hated, division, derision, and racism, as well as a determination to enrich himself and his circle. Which is why it is imperative that Biden picks a viable, smart, running-mate, preferably one of those who should have had his job in the first place, because it may be that he will not last four years, or, if he does, he will have to rely on his VP more and more. Call for Senator Warren or Senator Kamala Harris or Senator Klobuchar because it is probably the only way the US will ever get a female President……..

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We start our review of the week’s sartorial slurry at an event dedicated to the late singer Lena Horne, with singer Solange Knowles wearing David Koma. 

This can reasonably be described as odd, as if she has recently undergone radical surgery.

We are at Milan Fashion Week and in the company of our long-term friend, actor Jared Leto.  He is wearing Gucci. Of course he is.

The last time that WTF saw a shirt like that, it was on the late, lamented, Jim Morrison.  It does not go with the trousers, complete with their blingy Gucci logo, or with the jacket with its blingy-but-gorgeous brooch, or with the stupid hat, and nothing goes with anything else. As per usual. Love the shoes though..

Meet artist and musician Casey Spooner also at Milan Fashion Week, wearing Prada.

If Glenn from Village People went to a fancy dress party as a motorcycle cop, this is what he would look like. And that fly zip is an invitation to trouble…..

We are now at Paris Fashion Week, with actress Shailene Woodley. wearing Stella McCartney.

Those are very bad jeans with built-in chaps. WTF?

And here is actress Ashley Benson, wearing Giambattista Valli.

Throughout the world, people are stockpiling toilet paper in anticipation of being quarantined at home with the aforementioned coronavirus. Now we know where most of it went- into Giambattista’s workshop and onto Ashley.

More bad denim, this time on model Bella Hadid wearing Balenciaga.

The kindest description of this is that it is a mess. And the hair! She looks like Neil in The Young Ones.

Now we have rapper Kanye West and his wife Kim Kardashian, celebritee, law student and prison campaigner, the Elizabeth Fry de nos jours. They are on their way to a church service conducted by Kanye. He is wearing his own fashion line, Yeezy, and Kim is wearing Balmain. 


Apparently, at Kanye Church Services, a gospel choir sings songs written by…Kanye. Er, right. Presumably Kanye can wear what he likes at his own church, but Kim’s outfit is an abomination. As Jesus almost remarked ‘Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel toe to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.’ Call for the Canesten! It is also the colour of poo and has gloves instead of, or attached to, the sleeves.  And who wears fuck-me sandals on a Sunday morning in March???

Finally, this is actor Tommy Dorfman wearing Martin Margiela.

Yurgle, The coat is totally tops, as is the jacket/waistcoat, but no one wants to see either penis peek or Springtime for Hitler boots worn with bare thighs. Or, for that matter, cyanotic lips. 

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This week’s It’s Got To Go is from a number of different WTF aficionados, Yvonne from Jedburgh, Claire from Boston and Annie from the North Pennines, all of whom – separately – have got the hump with these vile latex trousers from graduate designer Harikrishnan at the London School of Design. Ready? You won’t be….

The trousers are inflated with a seven millimetre-wide inflation valve at the bottom. The designer got the idea from his dog (WTF is not making this up) and how exaggerated objects must look from such a low angle. “The thought of him seeing me as a giant figure or not seeing my head at all was intriguing, so I decided to reimagine the people around me through the game of distortion – detached from the stereotypical, pre-determined notions of the human perspective.” It looks as if someone has farted into their trousers. It’s dreadful, it’s pretentious, and without any question whatsoever, It’s Got To Go. 

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. You have not been sending in your comments, leaving WTF despairing in these tough times – none in two weeks apart from the MAGA moron making racist comments about Michelle Obama. And do keep sending in your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

Posted in Abortion, Barack Obama, Bernie Sanders, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Coronavirus, Donald Trump, Elizabeth Warren, Fashion, Fashion Disasters, Joe Biden, Milan Fashion Week, Paris Fashion Week, Politics, racism, Uncategorized, US Election, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment