WTF Failure and Farce Special

Hallo Readers, 

Theresa May did resign last week, as predicted, but she did not take WTF’s advice, which was to get out of Dodge before Monday, when the flatulent orange fantasist that is Donald Trump lands here on his State Visit. Instead, she will resign officially on Friday 7 June after the Donald and his offensive offspring have gone home. Even then, she will stay in Number 10 until her successor is chosen, which will be around the middle of July.

All political careers end in failure but in Mrs Maybe’s case, the word failure is far too kind. Something else is required, like farce. And what a legacy she has left us.  A gaggle of ghastliness now jostles to succeed her. If you were looking to cast a remake of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, you need go no further than the Gang of Twelve, although by the time you read this, some other bumptious nonentity will probably have thrown his or her cap into the ring (WTF had to change the number from eleven even while writing this). Boris Johnson is the bookies’ favourite but he is currently facing a private prosecution for misfeasance in public office (that infamous bus banner lying about the £350 million that would go to the NHS if we Brexited), and might find running the country  from inside a cell a trifle tricky. Then there is the man who stabbed him in the back, last time round, fish-faced Michael Gove, and Andrea Loathsome, who was to face May in the run-off in 2016 until she threw it all away by pointing out that Theresa had no children and therefore lacked the commitment to make the future better. Or there is Jeremy Hunt, the man who ran the NHS into the ground and is now Foreign Secretary, Dominic Raab, the man who champions female equality but is not a feminist, the rebarbative professional Scouser Esther McVey, who is never happier than when depriving people of their benefits, and charming and ever-so-posh ex-Army officer Rory Stewart, who appears to be the only one who is even fairly sensible, and therefore is automatically ruled out. The others are all so insignificant that WTF cannot even be bothered to insult them.

If it was embarrassing to be British last week, it is even worse this week. Huge swathes of the UK voted for Nigel Farage’s Brexit party (basically UKIP with different nutters). Huge swathes voted for those parties who wanted to stay. The Tories crashed and burned. Labour crashed and burned. Neither had a clear and discernible Brexit policy or any obvious means of putting any policy into practice, even if they had one, which they don’t. Labour chucked out a leading light, Alastair Campbell, for voting Liberal Democrat (so did WTF, but her membership has lapsed and had not been renewed), because that party promised a referendum, which Labour did not. Corbyn then announced that the Party would now support a second referendum, which it would not have done had so many people not voted for the Liberal Democrats to start with. Oh, and they might let Campbell back in. And they wonder why people are disenchanted with politics.

So this is where we are. Half our Members of the European Parliament are there to ensure we leave ASAP. Our probable new Prime Minister is a unprincipled liar, whose opportunism got us into this mess in the first place, but who is facing a private prosecution for being a liar. And we are still an international joke. Welcome to post-May Britain.

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We start our review of the week’s clothing cloaca with celebritee and cosmetics billionaire Kylie Jenner, wearing Minge Maestro Julien Macdonald.

Julien has wrapped Kylie in £12,000 of sparkly orange peel. Yes really. Kylie has compounded the offence with stupid plastic shoes and lots of bad fake tan, whilst appalled onlookers are in fear of an imminent Minge Moment. In other words, it is business as usual for both of them.

Here is actress Sharon Stone at a charity gala for the Museum of Contemporary Art in LA, wearing who knows what.

WTF at first thought that Sharon had dyed her hair, but it is in fact a scarf matching her box clutch, as she is trying to distract us from the fact that she is wearing a macramé hanging basket holder.

And now to Cannes where we digest the last of the preposterous Festival for 2019, and the associated nonsensical events where people go to preen. It is all very bad. Like Australian model Shanina Shaikh, wearing Georges Hobeika at a Chopard event.

WTF can but conclude that Shanina was taking part in an couture re-enactment of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. All she needs is an apple.

Also there were singer and actress Li Yuchun and Giambattista Valli, who designed her ensemble.

The dress is part of Valli’s one-off range for H&M, and it is fine if you want to look like a mullet Barbie. As for Giambattista, there is no excuse for wearing white socks unless you are playing tennis and his trousers look like a floppy concertina.

On the proper Red Carpet now, where we meet model Meredith Mickelson at the premiere of Rambo: Here We Fucking Go Again, wearing Rami Kadi.

The good news is that she is wearing some sort of titsy swimsuit. The bad news is that she is wearing it under a plastic ground sheet. Great sandals though.

And the star of the show, actor Sylvester Stallone, looking a bit crap.

Look, no one looks like they used to look. Sly is 74. However, his face is fuller of plastic that the LA landfill site. As for the outfit, there was probably a very good reason why he is wearing a dinner jacket and bow tie with the sort of white slacks usually seen on cruise directors. It is just that WTF does not know what it is.

And finally, lovely French actress Marion Cotillard wearing Balmain.

This is officially a pity because Marion is gorgeous but this outfit is not. She looks like she has come to the Red Carpet straight from a spin class, and those bootees are just dog ugly.

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This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado Leslie Verrinder, who has brought these vile trousers to her attention.

If you think they look like chicken drumsticks, that is because they are meant to. But why would you want to wear something that makes it look as if you have been farting into your trousers for the past week? It’s Got to Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Please send in your comments, and don’t forget your utterly splendid suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

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Posted in Boris Johnson, Brexit, Cannes Film Festival, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Dominic Raab, Donald Trump, Esther McVey, Fashion Disasters, Nigel Farage, Theresa May, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

WTF Shame of Thrones Special

Hallo Readers,

Game of Thrones came to an end this week but there is no need for fretting and withdrawal symptoms! Welcome to a thrilling new story, Shame of Thrones, a tale of political machinations set in the mythical kingdom of Westminsteros. In SoT, Theresas used to command the loyalty of her troops, the Sullied and the Stupid, who supported her sworn mission to break the wheel and to free Westminsteros from the yoke of slavery imposed by the rulers of Euros, the evil twins Ser Claude and Ser Guy, who have kept Westminsteros under their thumbs for decades. But Theresas has proved to be a disappointment and Westminsteros still labours under Euros’ rule, as a result of which, yokels and yobboes various have become increasingly frustrated at her hapless failures and broken promises. Theresas’ claim to the Iron Throne has become more and more hopeless, and rebellion is in the air; she has already been forced to do a walk of shame down Whitehall, naked as the day she was born, whilst pelted with milkshakes and rotten eggs, and has also had to beg Ser Guy and Ser Donald for more time to make proposals for Westminsteros’ independence, and to come up with the readies to buy its departure. Her dragons, Andrea and Esther, have now deserted her and are breathing fire all over her HQ, torching thousands of innocent citizens and stirring up apathy and anger in equal measure, and evil dwarf Sajid and the King of the Long-Gone Past, Jacob, hatch a scheme to defenestrate her. At which point, Theresas realises that the game is all over and agrees to go in June on terms which are yet to be announced at the time of writing. And the scramble for the Shame of Thrones begins anew…..

And you know what Readers? This is not fiction. If you pitched it to HBO, you would be shown the door PDQ. Hordes of GoT fans spent this week bitching that the ending wasn’t good enough, and that they had wasted hours of their life for nothing (as if they would otherwise have been occupied finding a cure for cancer, or writing a symphony, or something), but had you served them up this scenario, they would be out burning Westminsteros to the ground. Almost three years after the Referendum, we are the joke keeping Euros, sorry, Europe laughing. WTF is reminded of the scene from the original Trainspotting, when Renton, the Ewan McGregor character, rants that “It’s Shite Being Scottish. We’re the lowest of the low”. Try being a Brit today, Renton. At least you could escape occasionally with an armful of heroin. We, on the other hand, have to watch helplessly as the Westminsteros politicians continue to bitch, backstab, and make a total ballsup of the whole Brexit exercise. As a result, the European Elections, which took place in the UK yesterday, will probably be a cakewalk for Nigel Farage and his vile Brexit party, and quite a success for the Lib Dems, both of whom at least have actual, clear-cut, positions. What the hell Labour and the Tories believe, or want to do, or how they propose going about it, no one knows, and, sadly, fewer now care. And why Theresas wants to stay on for even another half an hour is a mystery. She is now despised on all sides, apart from her loyal husband Ser Philip of May and Larry the Downing Street Cat, and even Larry’s position is under review. If she were to leave sooner rather than later, at least she can avoid having to spend any time hobnobbing with Donald Trump, who arrives, with his whole disgusting family, for a proper State visit in the first week of June. And if that isn’t an incentive to call Pickfords and start packing up the china, WTF does not know what is.

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We start our review of the week’s fashion farragoes with Georgian-Greek singer Tamta, representing Cyprus in the Eurovision Song “Contest”, wearing a most extraordinary ensemble.

Here we have the carapace of a black beetle wrapped around a Minge Chandelier. Appalling. As was the whole evening. The UK would not even win it if no one else entered. It is time for a boycott on the grounds of political prejudice and rigged voting, never mind anything else.

To the Royal Wedding last Saturday of Lady Gabriella Windsor (what do you mean, who?) and some toff. Bizarrely, Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York, scraped onto the guest list, wearing something whose designer is unknown. Good call.

Without the Mark of Zorro capelet, the dress would not be too bad, but honesty compels WTF to note that Fergie needs to take a size up. At least one size, and maybe two.

Here is actor Cody Fern in Australia at the premiere of America Horror Story: Apocalypse, wearing Maison Margiela.

This is a French Horror Story. WTF hates VNA (Visible Nipple Activity) almost above all things, whether they are male nipples or female nipples. WTF does not want to see Cody’s nipples, and she is willing to bet a few quid that many others share that view. And he is wearing those foul Margiela Tabi boots. Enough already with the camel-toe boots.

To the continuing nonsense of the Cannes Film Festival and actress Deepika Padukone, wearing Giambattista Valli Haute Couture.

It may be Giambattista Valli Haute Couture, but it is essentially a giant lime green shower puff worn with a swimming cap. Good sandals though.

More bath-time fluffiness with Ukrainian model Alina Baikova, wearing Zuhair Murad Couture.


This is even worse than Deepika’s green dress, because it has a ridiculous bodice and a mullet skirt. She looks like a over-coiffed, blue-rinsed poodle.

Next up, we have distinguished French actress Isabelle Adjani, wearing Alexandre Vauthier and a stupid straw hat.

If a village idiot went to a fancy dress party as Jane Austen, this is what he would look like.

Here is French singer Kiddy Smile, wearing Nicholas Lecourt Mansion.

Kiddy, Pierre Edouard Hanffou, is wearing an unforgivable floral dress with fluted shoulders and a large triangular tit window, and he has dyed his head orange to match. There is not enough brain bleach in the world to disperse this image.

Still at Cannes, but off the Red Carpet, we have American actress Eva Longoria wearing Atelier Zuhra. She was there in her capacity as a L’Oréal Ambassador. Whatever that may be.

Eva looks like the love child of an Art Nouveau lamp and an Iguana.

Finally, we have Orange Is The New Black actress Dascha Polanco wearing Philipp Plein. This one is going straight into the nominations for the WTF Summer Stinker 2019, together with Monsieur Kiddy.

This is a circus clown outfit worn with a Flamenco frock. All that is missing is a red nose and bow tie that squirts water in your eye.

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This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado The Justified Sinner, who has taken great exception to the amount of silly high street fashion on offer, including this preposterous crop top sold by ASOS.

This is basically a child’s vest worn by an adult with good abs. Just imagine if it catches on and flabby flotsam start walking around Luton Airport like this? It doesn’t bear thinking about and It’s Got to Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Please send in your comments, and don’t forget your utterly splendid suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

 

 

Posted in Arron Banks, Brexit, Cannes Film Festival, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Duchess of York, Fashion, Fashion Disasters, Leave EU, Nigel Farage, racism, Royal Baby, Sarah Ferguson, Uncategorized, VMAs 2014, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

WTF Sweet Womb Alabama Special

Hallo Readers,

Alabama, the land that time forgot, has just passed a law which, in effect, bans abortion. It was voted for by twenty-five white male senators and signed into law by hatchet-faced Governor Kay Ivey, clad appropriately for the occasion in crimson, the colour worn by women in the now-not-so-mythical land of Gilead in Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale. It is the most draconian state anti-abortion law in the United States, admitting of no exception for pregnancies resulting from incest or rape, although mothers whose lives are at “serious risk” posed by the pregnancy can be exempted. The bill was steered through by Senator Clyde Chambliss, 50, a civil engineer with three daughters, whose grasp of the workings of the womb appears to be somewhat vague. According to Sen. Chambliss, a woman can still take steps to end a pregnancy as long as she doesn’t know that she is pregnant. “..anything that’s available today is still available up until that woman knows she’s pregnant. So there is a window of time, some say seven days, some say ten. There is a window of time that every option that’s on the table now is still available. So she has to take a pregnancy test, she has to do something to know whether she is pregnant or not. You can’t know that immediately. It takes some time for all those chromosomes and all that that you mentioned. It doesn’t happen immediately.’ In other words, as long as you can get rid of your baby before you know that you are expecting a baby, you are fine. But once you know that you are pregnant, you have to go through with the pregnancy. And the doctor who would perform an abortion could end up serving a maximum of ninety-nine years in prison. Meanwhile, if you are a victim of incest, your assailant can get a maximum of ten years. Ten years for incest and ninenty-nine years for trying to help the victim of incest. Sen. Chambliss explained “When God creates the miracle of life inside a woman’s womb, it is not our place as human beings to extinguish that life.” 

Other states are going down the same path, including Georgia, which bans abortion on detection of a foetal heartbeat (this can be after only six weeks), Kentucky, Mississippi, Ohio and Indiana. The reason is clear. Their ultra-conservative, neanderthal Republican politicians know that the measures are in conflict with the landmark decision of Roe v Wade, the 1973 decision in which the Supreme Court held that abortion was a woman’s constitutional right. But now the neanderthals are in the ascendancy, having struck a devil’s bargain with Donald Trump before the 2016 election. They would support this venal, adulterous, mendacious, crooked, irreligious, sack of shit and he, in turn, would deliver Supreme Court judges who would strike down Roe v Wade. Trump openly promised them as much and has since appointed two Supreme Court justices for that express purpose – Neil Gorsuch and the bloated, lachrymose, hysterical, liar and alleged sexual assailant, Brett Kavanaugh. And now Roe v Wade  will end up in the Supreme Court very soon. Perhaps the Alabama law is a little too extreme even for the majority of Catholics on the Court, but other states will produce something a little tighter, a little less brazen, and women will be forced to go abortion shopping in other places to avoid bearing children they do not want, cannot afford or who have been placed inside their bodies by acts of criminality and violence. Because apparently God wants it that way. Indeed Fox News buffoon and Trump sycophant Tucker Carlson said last night that forcing a woman to go through a pregnancy caused by rape was “honourable”. 

And so it is that a minority of the population ensures that the US can be turned into a Taliban state with such ease and political venality. WTF’s principal anger is reserved not for Trump – this is one of the rare occasion where he actually told the truth – but for the idiot Republican Senator Susan Collins of Maine, who claimed to be a champion of a woman’s right to choose,  but who was persuaded to vote for Kavanaugh on his assurance that he would not overturn Roe v Wade, thus facilitating his appointment. Collins is the female version of the late King Hussein of Jordan – given a 50/50 choice, she will inevitably fuck it up. This is on you Senator. You were conned – again. A woman colluding with the removal of women’s rights. Congratulations.

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We start our review of the week’s fashion flotsam at the Cannes Film Festival and actress Julianne Moore, wearing Louis Vuitton.

She is wearing a bathroom set. A bathroom set. Why, WTF cannot say. 

 

Here is Austrian model Nadine Leopold, wearing Nicholas Oakwell Couture.

Look, WYF likes a laugh as well as the next person, but the word “couture” here is just taking the piss. A corset and a pair of cami-knickers, paired with a sheet like a member of the KKK in his scanties, is not couture. Not even at all.

Another model, Brazilian Alessandra Ambrosio, wearing minge maestro Julien  Macdonald.

This is very typical of Julien’s oeuvre, i.e. there is not enough of it and there is always the imminent danger of a sighting of a body part that is not supposed to be on show.

There is a new movie about Sir Elton John, Rocketman, in which he is played by actor  Taron Egerton. Elton is wearing Gucci, including the uber-sparkiy sun- specs, whilst Taron is wearing Etro.

 Taron’s suit is reminiscent of William Morris wallpaper.

Elton’s suit is a lovely colour but something very horrible is happening around the crotch department, another distressing example of the dreaded elephant vagina syndrome.

Next up, actress Li Yuchun, wearing Balmain.

The lovely Li is clad as an ostrich in a strait jacket. And she is looking very pissed off as a result.

Away from Cannes, we go to Hollywood Model and actress Carla Howe at the Fashion Nova x Cardi B Collection Launch.

This is like a nightmare scene at some animal slaughterhouse where dead animals abound – bits of tiger, python boots (are those the same Ferragamo boots Solange wore last week to the Met Ball?) and a large side helping of tits?

Also present was the ghastly Perez Hilton, also wearing Cardi B collection.  

This is a man who runs a worst dressed of the week column. Physician heal thyself… Forget the purple Poseidon look and the bum bag, the generous gonadaget is making WTF shudder. Yurgle.

 

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This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado Ruth-Anne Beckett. Just when you think that denim-abuse can get no worse, it does. And then some. Have a large sick bucket issue handy whilst inspecting the jean speedo sold by online retailer Shinesty known as the “jeado”, also known as the Daytona Dong Sarong. Easy now…..

These crimes against the eyeballs, not to  mention the goolies, are a blend of denim and spandex and cost $39 95. They are shocking. Shocking. And will no doubt cause a beastie yeastie. It’s Got to Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Please send in your comments,  and don’t forget your utterly splendid suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

 

Posted in Abortion, Alabama, Cannes Film Festival, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Donald Trump, Fashion, Fashion Disasters, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

WTF Royal Baby Special

Hallo Readers,

What can be more British than the birth of a Royal Baby? The whole thing is steeped in years of tradition. For example, hours after pushing out something the size of a football, the Royal Mother is supposed to appear on the steps of the Lindo Wing of St Mary’s Hospital Paddington, perfectly coiffed and made up in a fetching frock, Royal father by her side, and cradling the new infant before a swooning crowd of  journalists shouting inane questions. Saddoes from the shires sleep out for several days awaiting The Moment, and then cavort in front of the cameras swigging Prosecco and making a tit of themselves. Said baby, who looks like every other baby, only richer and in a more expensive blanket, has a ridiculous title conferred on him or her by the Monarch and is thenceforth known as Prince X or Princess Y or the Earl of Snodsbury. Moronic Sky News presenter Kay Burley runs around screaming ‘It’s a Boy’ or ‘It’s a Girl’, depending on whether it’s a boy or a girl. A collection of Royal Experts, posh women called Araminta and craggy chaps in Barbour jackets, pontificate on Royal etiquette, talking bollocks for hours at a time. And the arrival of the said baby is posted on an easel in the grounds of Buckingham Palace, even though everyone already knows about it because it is all they have heard about for the last 24 hours on TV, radio, newspapers and social media. This is what puts the Great into Great Britain. Allegedly.

This time, things took a slightly different turn. Meghan Markle and Prince Harry, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, had a baby boy, but the place of birth was not made public. The proud parents did not appear in front of the cameras for two days, and when they did, the father carried the baby for a brief photocall inside Windsor Castle, whilst the mother wore her hair loose and looked pretty but tired. The baby is not going to have a title and is to be known as Archie Windsor. He looks like a baby. Only richer and in a more expensive blanket and a knitted hat. More to the point, one thing is decidedly different about young Archie. He is mixed race. What everyone really wanted to know was how dark was he? (Answer – it’s hard to tell). Because for all the celebration about Modern Britain and mixed marriage, the fact that the bride is (a) mixed race (b) American (c) an actress (d) divorced and (e) a feminist, means that she has been given a decidedly rough ride. She’s difficult, she’s demanding, she’s independent, SHE WON’T WEAR PANTYHOSE! Well she isn’t one of us, is she? She isn’t an English rose. She isn’t even rose-coloured. So prejudice creeps out. BBC broadcaster Danny Baker decided to tweet a ‘joke’ picture of two posh people accompanying a baby chimpanzee, with the tag ‘Royal Baby leaves hospital’. He later deleted it, tweeting ‘Once again. Sincere apologies for the stupid unthinking gag pic earlier. Was supposed to be joke about Royals vs circus animals in posh clothes but interpreted as about monkeys & race, so rightly deleted. Royal watching not my forte. Also, guessing it was my turn in the barrel.’  The apology, not that it was an apology, did not prevent his dismissal, and quite right too. Comparing a mixed race child to a monkey is a racist gag, and the National Broadcaster should not employ someone who thinks, even for one nanosecond, that it is funny. It is the same mindset that prompted football fans to throw bananas at black footballers during the 1980’s, a trend that is sadly making a comeback. And this is why for all the cooing and the gurgling and the public Prosecco, little Archie will never be regarded in the same way as his cousins, William and Kate’s children. Many parts of this country are not relaxed about a mixed race royal, whether mother or baby, because we are still a small-minded, petty, prejudiced, island people and Brexit is making it much, much, worse. Enjoy your son, Harry and Meghan. And enjoy your P45, Danny Baker. You earned it.

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This week’s sartorial survey sees us off to the Met Gala in New York. The theme this year was ‘camp’, as if this would distinguish 2019 from any other year. As we Jews ask on Passover ‘why is this night different from any other night?’ This Gala brought us a feast of utter nonsense, some of it awesome but insane, starting with WTF favourite,  actor Billy Porter, wearing The Blonds.

Do not adjust your eyeballs. This could not be any camper if Village People reformed and did a gig at New York Gay Pride. If only those wings really worked and he would fly far, far, away……

Girls actresses Jemima Kirke and Lena Dunham, both wearing Christopher Kane.

WTF admits to a sneaking admiration for Jemima’s outfit, like a bouncy black PVC beetle in a swim cap, but is a lot less keen on Lena’s ensemble, which gives the impression that she is being groped by a pervert in washing up gloves.

Beyoncé’s sister, singer Solange Knowles, wearing Ferragamo.

Solangé, as WTF likes to call her, is wearing a python nappy-jacket with a disturbing trompe l’oeil effect in the groin department, and hideous matching thigh boots. Many snakes have died in vain. Where is the RSPCA when you need them?

Actor and singer Jared Leto, wearing Gucci.

Cardinal Richelieu loses his head. And gains a new one.

Model Caroline Trentini, wearing Viktor & Rolf.

This is not camp, it is macabre. Viktor & Rolf seem to have been inspired by Walt Disney’s 1929 short, Silly Symphonies – Skeleton Dance.

Model and actress Emily Ratajkowski, wearing Peter Dundas.

Emily is wrapped in a silver cobweb loincloth with an imminent nip-slip. 

Singer Harry Styles and Gucci designer Alessandro Michele, both wearing Gucci.

Harry has borrowed his mum’s blouse and teamed it with some comedy trousers. As for Alessandro, if Jesus went to a fancy dress party as a Christmas cracker, this is what He would look like.

Model Gigi Hadid, wearing Michael Kors.

To mark the final series of Game of Thrones, Gigi turned up dressed as a White Walker.

Aspiring lawyer Kim Kardashian, wearing Mugler.

As WTF aficionado Ruth remarked, ‘she doesn’t even look human, she’s like a mannequin’. Either that or a giant caramel with tits just emerged from the shower….

Actor Cody Fern, wearing Maison Margiela.

Er….OK. This can best be described as man in tan suit (do you remember the trouble President Obama got into for wearing a tan suit?) and sky blue cowboy boots goes bank-robbing.

Diva Celine Dion, wearing Oscar de la Renta.

WTF could have lived with this yeti-meets-Las-Vegas-showgirl schtick had it not been so mingey…. what lurks beneath those tassels? And why do we even have to ask?

Vogue Editor-at-Large Hamish Bowles, wearing Maison Margiela.

Gonzo goes grand…..

Singer Katy Perry, wearing Moschino

There is lighting up a room and there is looking like a prat. Katy left looking like a prat behind some five miles back and is currently floating around in the stupid stratosphere.

And finally, actor Michael Urie wearing Christian Siriano.

If this doesn’t give you nightmares, nothing will. Michael has come as Ken AND Barbie.

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This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado Sarah from Southend-on-Sea,  who is indignant at the marketing of moisturiser for the post-menopausal minge. Over to you, Sarah…..

Watching crap TV last night, I nearly choked on an olive when confronted by an ad for menopausal moisturiser for one’s nether regions. Initially, I wondered why the viewers of ‘Wheeler Dealers’ would be interested in this (my excuse was that I had lost control of the remote when I went to get more wine). I then wondered why the know-it-all-but-perfectly-moisturised woman in the ad was about 30. Yes, 30. I know that can happen but it is hardly the core demographic. We want older ladies in vests with a cardigan looking very pissed off’.

WTF is in full agreement. It’s Got to Go.

 

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Please send in your comments, which have been in somewhat short supply of late. Keep them coming or WTF gets into a panic that you don’t love her any more. And don’t forget your utterly splendid suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

Posted in Brexit, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Donald Trump Jr, Duchess of Sussex, Fashion, Fashion Disasters, Met Gala 2019, Politics, Prince Charles, Prince Harry, Princess Diana, racism, Robin Williams, Royal Baby, Royal Family, Russia, Tonys 2017, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

WTF Julian Special

Hallo Readers,

This week, Julian Assange was sentenced to 50 weeks’ imprisonment in the UK for jumping bail. In 2012, he walked out of a London Magistrates’ Court having been granted bail on an extradition hearing to Sweden, where he was to have faced allegations of rape and sexual assault. Assange and his adoring supporters argued that the women had been put up to making these complaints in order to lure him back to Sweden so that he could be extradited on to the US, there to be charged with all manner of things as a result of publishing secret documents on his website, Wikileaks. Despite the fact that Sweden’s extradition treaty with the US prohibits extradition on the basis of  “a political offence” or “an offence connected with a political offence.” Having got bail on the basis of gullible sureties forking out a fortune, he promptly sought refuge in the Ecuadorian Embassy, and remained holed up there, flushing his friends’ bail money down the drain in the process, getting on his hosts’ nerves, and acting as if he were the lovechild of Nelson Mandela and the Man in the Iron Mask. Eventually, his hosts grew so tired of him that they opened the front door and begged members of the constabulary to come in and take the bugger away. And so it was that Assange found himself in the dock seven years after he first skedaddled, The taxpayers wasted £16 million over seven years in posting coppers to keep an eye on the front door to prevent Assange doing a runner, money that could have been usefully deployed elsewhere.

Throughout this sorry episode, Assange has always behaved as if he were the victim. What infuriated many people, WTF included, was the total contempt he and his supporters showed for the women making the complaints, including the one who alleges that she awoke to find him having sex with her without a condom when she had previously made it clear that she would not have sex without his wearing one. In Sweden, those facts, if proved, constitute a rape; and on any view, a woman cannot give consent to sex if she is asleep. The other complainant thought that he was practising safe sex, when he was not. The second woman’s complaint is now time barred, but a rape charge can still be brought until 2020. However, the two women have been denigrated and sneered at as “honey pots” who have been put up to it to destroy Wikileaks. They were identified and hounded. Because Heaven forfend that a woman should dare to complain of rape or sexual molestation against a Hero of the Left.

Now that Assange is out of the Embassy and languishing in a real prison, the US now want his extradition on a deliberately light charge of computer fraud, doubtless to avoid objections that he might face the death penalty on a more serious charge, which might scupper the chances of getting him over there. Sweden also wishes to renew extradition on the rape allegations. As to this, WTF is quite clear. The original Swedish charges were dropped only when prosecutors there felt that it was pointless to pursue them as long as Assange was still in the Embassy; if revived, its request should be given precedence and acted upon. If he is guilty of rape, let the Swedes prove it. On the other hand, the UK courts should refuse the US request. The present US Attorney General is not to be trusted, and no sane person would believe a word that President Trump says, (except perhaps when he said “I love Wikileaks” about 200 times during the 2016 Election Campaign, although he now claims he to know nothing about it.) The irony is that had Assange gone back to Sweden in the first place, he would have had a better chance of avoiding that trans-Atlantic trip. Which serves him right.

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We begin our survey of the week’s fashion flops with singer Adam Lambert, wearing Libertine Plus.

Adam is wearing a collection of chinoiserie fabrics resembling the interior of an Asian flophouse, and he has also seriously overdone it on the eyeshadow.

Next to the Tribeca Film Festival and actress Nana Ghana wearing Aliona Konova.

Nana looks as if she has been gift-wrapped. The fishnet tights are OK but not with red fluffy pantouffles.

Also at Tribeca was young actor Charlie Plummer, wearing Loewe.

WTF is at something of a loss to describe what is occurring here, and is unsure whether that is a shirt hanging down to Charlie’s knees or is part of the suit, but the whole thing is very schizophrenic-merchant-banker-goes-cottaging, and not in a  good way. 

This is blogger Margie Plus wearing ASOS.

Look, this is not a fat thing. This is a looking-like-shit thing. There needs to be more shirt – a whole lot more. Like a metre more. Margie also needs to learn about suntan lotion, factor 50, and slather it on because she is more flushed than a public toilet.

This is actress Chloe Sevigny wearing Chanel at a Chanel party thrown by Chanel.

WTF has no knowledge of Chloe’s financial circumstances, and she can only speculate that either she is saving money by buying clothes in the kiddies’ section ,and hoping no one notices, or that Chanel is seriously taking the piss. Or both. This is a Minge Moment waiting to happen, unalleviated by the presence of a small white frill around the hem as found adorning lamb chops in fancy restaurants. We now call in at the NFL Draft, where we encounter player Devin Bush Jr. wearing who can even say what?

This adult harness thing has got to stop. Soon. If not sooner. If adults want to get trussed up in their bedrooms, that is fine. But Devin is not in his bedroom, he is on the public stage, and looking like he is going on to the bondage parlour.

And two more guests, Vince Wilfork (left) and De Angelo Williams (right).

Vince is dressed  like a Keralan fisherman with a sense of humour, whilst De Angelo resembles an extra from Strictly Ballroom.

To the Billboard Awards 2019 in Las Vegas and singer Taylor Swift wearing Raisa & Vanessa.

The colour is pretty but it’s so ruffly, as if an Andrex puppy has run amok with a roll of toilet paper.

Next up, young actress Kiernan Shipka, wearing Dior.

You cannot see any VNA (Visible Nipple Activity). But the fact that you think you can is bad enough, not to mention downright unnerving. There is also VBA (Visible Bellybutton Activity). And the dress is also hideous.

And finally, welcome to makeup artist Patrick Starr, wearing I don’t even know what.

If a Ferrero Rocher went to a fancy dress party as Patrick Starr, this is what it would look like.

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This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado Jan from Melbourne, who is extremely indignant at the appalling behaviour of tourists taking photos of artworks on their phone in museums and galleries. Things have got worse than ever, as Jan points out that people now hold their phones aloft to take some sort of snap, thereby blocking the view of someone like Jan, who (a) is a short-arse and (b) is boringly old fashioned enough to want to look at the fucking picture. Why can’t these people buy a bloody postcard and stop clogging up access to magnificent works of art? It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending your splendid comments as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

Posted in Bill Barr, Billboard Music Awards, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Chanel, David Davis, Donald Trump, Fashion Awards, Fashion Disasters, George Soros, Julian Assange, Nicole Richie, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

WTF State Visit Special

Hallo Readers,

You may recall that Donald J Trump paid a brief (but not brief enough) visit to the UK in July 2018, intent on insulting as many people as possible within a four day period, and rebounding around the parameters of decency like a pinball played by a tipsy teenager. Ding! He told Theresa May that she had done Brexit all wrong and should have listened to him (it turned out his strategy had been to sue the EU). Ding! He praised Boris Johnson and said he would make a great Prime Minister. Ding! He was late for tea with Her Majesty, keeping the nonagenarian standing in the hot sun for about 20 minutes, and whilst purporting to inspect the troops, jaywalked in front of her like a pedestrian with Alzheimer’s. The blimp in a nappy with a mobile phone that flew, oh so briefly, over Parliament Square had a better grasp of diplomacy and international politics. Now he is coming back for a proper State Visit, where we roll out the Red Carpet and do that ceremonial stuff we Brits do so well. Her Majesty will schlep down to the airport to greet him and they will ride back in a procession together. He will get a White Tie State Dinner, where the menu is written in French (he can ask Melania to translate – she understands about half a dozen different languages and can say ‘yes’ and ‘chain migration’ in all of them). However, this visit will be different to the usual State Visit. Usually, the State Visitor also gets bed and breakfast at Buckingham Palace, but there is no room because the East Wing is being repaired. Usually the State Visitor addresses both House of Parliament, but that probably won’t happen either, as in the eyes of our Speaker, he is less welcome than a turd in a punchbowl. President Trump is also known to be wary of spending any time with Prince Charles, fearing that HRH will lecture him about climate change and organic lettuce. And he will not get to ride in the Golden State Coach, which, being wooden and very old, cannot be rendered  bulletproof and is probably too weak to withstand Trumpy’s ever increasing girth. In fact he and the coach are probably the same shape, which could confuse everyone no end. Especially him.

On Tuesday, Foreign Secretary Jeremy Hunt announced the impending visit with a flourish. You would think Jesus Christ was coming to call. Hunt gushed The transatlantic relationship has been the foundation of global peace and prosperity for many years – and great things are yet to come!’ Really? Within 24 hours, Trump was regurgitating an allegation first made two years ago,  accusing President Obama of getting UK Intelligence Services to tap his phone and to ‘spy on him’. In 2017, GCHQ had demanded an apology and even Fox News retracted the claim and suspended the pundit who had advanced it. Now, even as the chefs gather to decide between Canard à l’orange and Hamberder aux frites avec sauce de tomates style Heinz, and whilst Mrs May combs the shops for another appalling and ill-fitting sack to wear for the dazzling occasion, the putative guest was lobbing insults at us and pissing all over the ‘special relationship’ Hunt has been bigging up only hours earlier. Instead of telling him to stick his State Visit where the sun don’t shine, the craven Hunt has been complaining about denying the orange moron-in-chief the stage to spread his racist, sexist, embarrassing, ignorance in our Houses of Parliament.

So here’s the thing Readers. We keep being warned that there will be food shortages after Brexit. Let us start those shortages early. Stockpile your eggs! Horde your soft fruit! Let us start getting everything nicely smelly and squidgy for June and show this terrible man what a real British welcome looks like.

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We start our review of the week’s awful apparel with singer Ashanti at the premiere of her movie ‘Stuck’ wearing Honyada. 

Ashanti is wrapped in a shiny cheap garbage bag displaying a gargantuan amount of tit and a large amount of leg, and is on the verge on giving us an imminent Minge Moment. Again. Ashanti should take this garment, put it in a real garbage bag and dispose of it – for good.

Next we go to  the premiere of Avengers: Endgame  where we find alleged ‘actor’ Vin Diesel, wearing what appears to be a tree bark.

Wearing camouflage to look like a tree is one thing. Actually wearing a bloody tree is quite another thing. WTF was put in mind of Macbeth where the witches warned him that he shall never vanquished be until Great Birnam Wood to high Dunsinane Hill shall come against him’. It looks like Great Birnam Wood is on the march.

Also there was the insufferable Gwyneth Paltrow, wearing G Label. 

Look, Gwynnie has a great pair of legs but that is no excuse to forget to wear some sort of bottom half to your outfit. She looks as if she has had her trousers removed as a jolly jape, the fate facing the unfortunate Paul Pennyfeather in Evelyn Waugh’s Decline and Fall.

To the Time 100 Gala and actor Dwayne Johnson wearing Ralph Lauren.

Everyone else came in evening wear. Dwayne came dressed as an old Dralon armchair.

It gets worse. Here is actress Julianne Moore wearing Chanel at a Chanel do.

WTF does not know what has passed between Julianne and her stylist recently, but the two of them need to make it up, and soon.  If Dwayne is the sofa, Julianne is the cushion cover. And the valance.  And the ventilation system. As for the boots, they fall into the category of downright mystifying, like the Bermuda Triangle and the decision to broadcast Mrs Brown’s Boys.

It grieves WTF to have to do this, but now we must consider the case of former First Lady Michelle Obama, seen here with actress Sarah Jessica Parker, wearing thousands of pounds of horrible Balenciaga, including quite revolting thigh boots which cost $3,900.

Michelle has rarely put a foot wrong, but here both feet and the long legs appended thereto should be charged with causing severe retinal damage and unauthorised possession of a hologram. Those are as foul a pair of boots as WTF ever did see in her life. Michelle could have saved herself thousands of dollars by buying herself a couple of  gold shiny wine gift bags and standing in them.

As for the golden chartreuse sheet, it is a shocker.

Finally, here is Kourtney Kardashian at her fortieth birthday party in LA wearing vintage Versace.

Kourtney’s cake was in the form of a naked Kourtney in the bath, so that guests, including her own family and her kids, could literally eat her ladyparts. And if that isn’t revolting, WTF doesn’t know what is. But not nearly as revolting as Kourtney having to avoid a Minge Moment by fastening her dress to her stomach with a bit of visible tit tape like a blob of masticated chewing gum.

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This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado Shonda from West London who brought this excrescence to WTF’s attention – a beanbag onesie. Yes really. People would genuinely be happy to look like they have an arse bigger than Kim Kardashian’s in 3D closeup just so they can have a sit down when the mood takes them without bothering to find, you know, a chair.

Frankly, WTF would rather remain standing between now and the rest of her life than have any part of this madness. It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending your splendid comments as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

 

Posted in Barack Obama, Boris Johnson, Brexit, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Chanel, Donald Trump, Duchess of Cambridge, Duchess of Sussex, Fashion, Fashion Disasters, General Election, Hillary Clinton, Joe Scarborough, Michael Cohen, Mika Brzezinski, Morning Joe, Prince Charles, Prince Harry, Robert Mueller, Uncategorized, US Election, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

WTF Mueller Special

Hallo Readers

It is true that any conclusion in the Mueller Report short of condemning Trump to spend the rest of his life in Sing-Sing, preferably suspended by his testicles, would have been a profound disappointment to many, WTF included. So initially, she experienced feelings of deep dissatisfaction when Attorney-General Bill Barr, a man wedged so far up Trump’s arse that he is applying for permanent residence, ‘summarised’  the report into collusion and obstruction by Trump and his election campaign, a report two years in the making. According to Barr, you would have thought that Trump was Mother Teresa and St Francis of Assisi rolled into one portly orange parcel. No collusion! No obstruction! Witch-hunt! Presidential Harassment! 

Unsurprisingly, the actual report, albeit redacted by Barr with his trusty colour-coded  sharpies, turned out to be rather more critical than we had been led to expect. Yes, there was no conspiracy between the campaign and the Russians so as to justify criminal charges, but Trump knew he would benefit from Russian interference on his behalf, and encouraged it, and that his written answers to questions posed to him, and the evidence of some of the witnesses, were somewhat unsatisfactory. Equally, despite Barr’s earlier assurances that Mueller had been unable to conclude that there was no evidence of obstruction, Mueller found that Trump did his best to obstruct the investigation, (he gives eleven instances), including encouraging people not to co-operate, and urging White House Counsel Don McGhan to get the Deputy Attorney-General to sack Mueller (and then instructing him to deny that he had told him). His attempts at orchestrating obstruction were largely  thwarted because his subordinates ignored his instructions. everyone, including Trump and his Press Secretary, told blatant lies. The policy of the Justice Department was not to prosecute a sitting President, which puts a different complexion on Mueller’s task. Mueller says in terms that had there been evidence exonerating the President the report would have adduced it. But there was no such evidence. That is not total and complete exoneration – it is the opposite.

So here’s the thing. The Attorney-General, a man whose sworn duty is to protect the Constitution of the United States, lied about the report’s conclusions a fortnight ago and lied again yesterday morning, conveniently holding a press conference before the report was actually published. He sees it as his duty to shore up the pile of putrid corruption that is the sitting President, rather than to enforce justice.  The Republican Party is intent upon shoring up the pile of putrid corruption that is the sitting President, rather than to enforce justice. Fox News sees it as its duty to shore up the pile of putrid corruption that is the sitting President, period. And so it is that a liar, a cheat, a fraud, a man devoid of morality, decency, or shame, continues in office and may well win a second term. In just over two short years, Trump and his enablers have succeeded in perverting and undermining truth so that it has ceased to have any relevance to a large number of his fellow citizens and to the party which he heads. Winning is all that matters. Stopping abortion, cutting taxes, attacking immigrants, preserving gun laws, keeping  control of the Senate – who cares how it is achieved? It is enough to make you turn your face to the wall and weep.

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We begin our review of the week’s fashion flotsam with ghastly First Daughter Ivanka Trump, wearing Alex Perry on a state visit to Abidjan. Senators Chris Coons (D) and Arselicker-Supreme Lindsey Graham (R) are on either side of her ridiculous cape.

Bloody hell. Apart from the fact that it is hugely inappropriate for a State Dinner, there is the small matter of Ivanka resembling Superman in something tight and titsy in a most unpleasant shade of vaginal pink. Kudos to WTF aficionado Trevor from Truro who pointed out that Ivanka was a dead ringer for the Girl in the White House from Tim Burton’s Mars Attack.

Next, we have actress Lucy Boynton wearing Marc Jacobs.

Lucy looks very fluffy and flouncy, like a Christmas Tree Fairy in a nightgown and matching choirboy’s ruff. 

Next to a reception in the Whitney Museum in Manhattan and actress Diane Kruger, wearing Michael Kors.

Diane has legs to die for, but this outfit is just silly, tiny shorts under a jacket last worn by the Big Bad Wolf in a dramatisation of The Three Little Pigs and a shirt with a collar the size of a pair of garden shears.

We are in Paris at the première of Gloria Bell with Julianne Moore, wearing Valentino.

Julianne is wearing a mattress topper. With bare legs and bootees. It is just terribly, terribly terrible and white is SO not her colour.

And now are at Coachella, the wanky poseurs’ music festival in Indio, California, where celebrities pose wankily in wanky clothing. Like singer Billie Eilish here wearing Vuitton, looking wanky.

Indio is in the desert and IT IS HOT. So why is Billie wearing furry trousers like Grover from Sesame Street and a heavy LV jerkin?

Next up actress Amandla Stenberg wearing Levi’s.

She looks like she is having a good time, but then she doesn’t have to gaze at a column of denim off-cuts masquerading as a top. We do.

And finally from Coachella, the husband and wife combo of actor Evan Ross and singer Ashlee Simpson.  Ashlee is wearing Zimmerman.

Ashlee looks fine, which is more than be said for her spouse, who is wearing some preposterous long-jacket-and-cropped-trousers-thingy, showcasing spindly shins and huge trainers. He looks like Magwitch from Great Expectations.

To London and the premiere of the movie Once Upon a Time in London where we encounter The Voice singer Kalon Rae. Who knows what he is wearing?

Kalon has come dressed as Boy George dressed as Mother Goose. Every item of clothing is hideous, made more hideous  at being worn together.

Brace yourselves! Real horror lurks in the horrible form of TV nutritionist Gillian McKeith and her daughter, Afton McKeith.

The Crowns are an argment for regicide. Acton is only 19 so perhaps she could hide behind her mother’s skirts on this one. The problem is that her mother is not wearing a skirt, not even of any kind, and is instead flashing her thighs under a fishing net tied around her waist with a minimum of effective coverage. And what the fuck are those boots, like a couple of fat purple ferrets?

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This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from Tim Brannigan, via WTF aficionado Yvonne from Jedburgh, who highlighted this ridiculous new concept – the shirt-stay from a firm called Sharp & Dapper. Should you be raving mad, you can buy it for £20.

Kill me now. No one is suggesting that men should wear the body brought to you decades ago by Donna Karan to avoid shirt-spilth, but who would want to go to these lengths just to avoid it? And imagine stripping off for a moment of passion and revealing yourself to be trussed up like an Easter turkey?  No, sorry. It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Have a wonderful Easter and/orPassover and/or break. WTF is going to do the same in sunny Cornwall because there are short pickings over the holiday period, but she will be back on 26 April. Keep sending your splendid comments as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again in a fortnight. Be good. x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Bill Barr, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr, Fashion Awards, Fashion Disasters, James Comey, Jeff Sessions, Robert Mueller, Russian interference, Sean Spicer, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments