WTF Mega-Bumper-Oscars-Nonsense Special

Hallo Readers,

It may be Valentine’s Day today, but in Westminster there is precious little love around for Judges. Why? Because it appears that they are interfering with the right of politicians and civil servants to cock up, dissemble, and abuse their powers. The impertinence! We did not leave Europe and slip out of the Brussels yoke just to have men and women in wigs and spider brooches laying down the law…oh hang on…

The rot set in when the Supreme Court twice overruled the Government and stymied its Brexit moves; first by requiring Parliament to vote on triggering Article 50, and then to overturn the prorogation of Parliament when Prime Minister Johnson told porky pies to Her Majesty about the reason for shutting everything down for weeks on end. Since then, those pesky judges have prevented some, but not all, of a group of convicted criminals from being deported to Jamaica, a place they might have been born in, but last lived in decades ago. The courts stepped in because some of those scheduled to board Con Air 666 had yet to have the benefit of legal advice. You may think that it is perfectly reasonable that someone who has lived for since he wore nappies, who has a family here, who has worked here and paid taxes here, might want to discuss his deportation with a lawyer before being flown to a place he hardly knows, but not according to Grant Shapps, the oleaginous little creep who is Secretary of State for Transport. Speaking on Radio 4, Shapps said “we shouldn’t have the courts being used to overturn perfectly legitimate decisions”. The thing is, Grant, WTF would rather have a judge be the judge of what is a legitimate decision than the likes of you, a man who has gone by three different names, including nom de plume Michael Green, denied using one of them, and then had to apologise for denying it, but not  before he had threatened to sue one of his own constituents for saying that he had used it. Downing Street then dismissed these transgressions by saying that Shapps had been ‘over-enthusiastic in his denials’. I mean you’d trust Shapps to make legitimate decisions, rightAnd now, after Johnson’s reshuffle yesterday, we have a new Attorney-General, Suella Braverman MP, who thinks that Parliament has to “take back control” not just from the EU, but from the Courts. Braverman is a rabid Brexiteer and a former Chair of the European Research Group (succeeded by Bertie-Wooster-soundalikey Jacob Rees-Mogg). Her word is really reliable, right? No need for judges to exercise scrutiny over her legitimate decisions….

For some time, Johnson’s role model, Donald Trump, has been decrying judges, prosecutors and even jurors, as the ‘enemies of the people’. Last night, even the US Attorney-General, Bill Barr, Trump’s lap-dog, was forced to make a public statement suggesting that maybe he should tone it down, albeit that he probably does not believe a word of it and knows Trump won’t listen anyway. On this side of the pond, our Attorney-General wants to make the judges’ jobs harder. Fasten your wigs – it is going to be a bumpy ride…….

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For our review of the week’s sartorial slurry, we go to the Oscars in Hollywood, both on the ceremony’s Red Carpet and at the glitzy after-parties.  Let us begin with actress Sandra Oh, wearing Elie Saab.

The belt is truly terrible, and she seems to have a couple of doggies hanging off her shoulders, with several more having moulted mightily on her skirt.


Singer Charlie Puth, wearing Fendi.

Charlie resembles a children’s entertainer on a cruise ship. And what tragic trewsies….

Model Joan Smalls, wearing Schiaparelli.

WTF is bewildered, and then bewildered some more. Joan’s chest is being groped from behind by two silvery hands (was this a kind of tribute to the absent Harvey Weinstein?) whilst the alleged skirt is some sort of ruched flag.

Model Taylor Hill, wearing Ralph & Russo.


Not only is it very mingey but, as WTF aficionado Alessandra points out, the dress is covered with bloodsucking leeches.

This probably explains the blood-soaked, pube-like, hairy bits on the skirt.

Actor Tommy Dorfman, wearing Maison Margiela.

If a colander went to a fancy dress party as an Emmenthal cheese, this is what it would look like. We can at least least be grateful that we were spared the penis peek.

Actress and singer Gabrielle Union, wearing Giambattista Valli.

Giambattista has sewn a shower puff onto a tea cosy and called it a gown. And why is the diamanté belt at tit level? 


Actress Gil Gadot wearing Givenchy.

Half vamp, half candy-floss, all bad. The top and the bottom are wholly unrelated to each other, and the necklace is unrelated to anything.

Actor Timothée Chalamet, wearing Prada.

Why is he dressed as a janitor?

Model Chrissy Teigen, wearing Georges Hobeika.

The colour is very pretty on her, but was this dress rescued from the shredder? Chrissy always goes for the Imminent Minge Moment, and this year she has lowered the ante by throwing in a lot of tit to go with it. The whole thing is reminiscent of skein of unravelling wool.

Norwegian singer Aurora wearing Her by Viktoria Aksnes.

WTF does not even know what this is supposed to be, but there is a flapper hat and a pistachio taekwondo uniform complete with femur fringe. Whatever it is, it is very silly.

Moschino designer Jeremy Scott, wearing himself.

Jeremy! How old are you? Just. Go. Away.

Presenter Heidi Klum wearing Jean Paul Gaultier. 

Heidi is lucky that Donald Trump’s hideous,  game hunting offspring, Don Jr and Eric, were not present or they would have shot her on sight. Unless they had got distracted by the side boob. Which, to be fair, is pretty distracting….

Singer Usher, wearing Balmain.

He is smiling, but everyone else, alas, is laughing their heads off. This is the lovechild of the Turin Shroud and a giant nappy. How does he do a wee-wee?

Celebritee Blac Chyna wearing Dona Matoshi.

Those tits are deeply improbable. The dress needs more material and/or less Blac Chyna, as well as an absence of tattooed thigh. And what’s with the comic epaulettes like a Ruritanian General?

Finally, the Oscar for the Worst Dressed of the Night goes to…….actress and Saturday Night Live comic  Kristen Wiig, wearing Valentino.

WTF thought of a lobster’s arse when she first saw this, but top marks to WTF aficionado Juman from Canonbury, who  came up with the more likely inspiration for this silliness.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go is from WTF aficionado Hannah from Brixton, who has it in for actress Nathalie Portman. Nathalie turned up at the Oscars in an ensemble embroidered with the names of female actors and directors who had been omitted from the shortlists. Sisterly solidarity, right?

Wrong, says Hannah. Nathalie owns a production company, but she has never actually appointed a female director to direct anything. As a result, she has been well and truly ridiculed by her female colleagues. Walking the Red Carpet is all well and good, Nathalie, but talking the talk is what really counts. It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your comments, which will bring cheer to WTF in these dark times, and please don’t forget your super suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

Posted in Bill Barr, Boris Johnson, Brexit, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr, Eric Trump, Fashion, Fashion Disasters, Grant Shapps, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Oscars, Politics, Suella Braverman, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

WTF Mini-Me Special

Hallo Readers,

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson and US President Donald J. Trump are currently engaged in a root and branch attack on the things that used to be standard. Like leaving your family at home when you go to work. Like press briefings. Like letting people vote according to their conscience. Like proper scrutiny of the Executive. Stuff you used to think was just a given. Now it is being given away,

Where Trump goes, Mini-Me Johnson follows. Trump imported Nepotism Barbie, aka dim daughter Ivanka, and her even dimmer husband, Jared Kushner, into the White House, despite their obvious lack of qualifications. Were Fred Trump, Trump’s Klu Klux Klan-loving, slum landlord dad, still with us, you can bet your bottom dollar that he would have a role somewhere. Mini-Me has now brought in his dad, Stanley, as an unofficial factotum, running errands for his son like popping into the Chinese Embassy for a cup of lapsang souchong and a natter with the Ambassador about who knows what. Next, he will probably have a stab at the Middle East crisis. How far will this go? Will Sajid Javid’s mum be brought in to advise on quantitative easing? How about former UKIP candidate Sushil Patel, Priti’s dad? Surely there is a role for him somewhere helping his daughter out at the Home Office? Soon, we can forget elections altogether, and save ourselves a fortune by getting a family job lot in to run the place.

And then there are those pesky buggers from the Press, who seem to feel that they have the right to question politicians about what they are doing and why are they doing it. And to be critical of the result. But worry not, Readers, because that boil is about to be well and truly lanced. Following the White House’s lead, Downing Street has now banned various newspapers, such dangerously radical publications as The Independent and The Huffington Post, from attending press briefings. Johnson eschews press conferences and instead answers questions from youngsters on Facebook. And he has ordered his Cabinet to boycott BBC’s The Today Programme because it dares to challenge whatever pre-prepared rubbish is trotted out by Ministers. It will not be long before all Government communication will be only with The Daily Telegraph, Johnson’s former employer, and the cult of ‘me-me-me-look-at-me’, now thriving around Trump, takes root. 

Meanwhile, over in Washington, Senators took an oath to try Donald Trump and to reach a fair verdict. Republican Senators ducked their responsibility and acquitted on a variety of specious excuses, ranging from ‘nothing wrong happened’ to ‘so what if it did happen?’ to ‘well, yes it did happen and it was wrong, but it is not worthy of impeachment’ to ‘yes, he’s guilty as hell but I am not spending the rest of my term getting a Presidential bollocking and a silly nickname on Twitter, and hate-mail from people who sleep with their sisters in Mississippi’. Only Senator Mitt Romney took his oath seriously, and already he is facing death threats, and calls to expel him from the GOP (from Presidential son Donald Trump Jr), and all sorts. And a similar fate awaits any MP who steps out of line here. The Special Relationship continues to thrive …

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This week’s survey of fashion flotsam comes from the BAFTAs, held at London’s Albert Hall in London last Sunday. Let us begin with actress Alice Eve, wearing vintage Ralph and Russo.

Just because it is vintage does not mean that it is nice. This is the same reasoning as with WTF’s theory on rarely performed Shakespeare plays – there is a reason you do not see Timon of Athens staged very often. This is the sartorial version of Timon of Athens, with peekaboo and frankly rather lopsided tits, and a skirt like a kitsch lampshade. 

Model Irina Shayk, wearing Burberry.

WTF suspects that she speaks for the world in suggesting that a string shopping bag over Spanx is not an outfit. Furthermore, we are all bored to death with this whole sheer trend. NEXT!

Designer Roksana Ilinčić, wearing herself.

Why is Roksana dressed as a hunchbacked extra from The Name of the Rose? And what have the blue shoes and maroon box-bag got to do with the price of Benedictine?

Actor Andy Serkis, wearing something or other.

That colour trim looks like Paul Smith, but whoever is responsible for this suit, it has a removable zipped peplum, like those silly holiday trousers that convert into shorts. Talking of trousers, Andy’s are an affront to human dignity and are more wrinkled than a sharpei’s bum. As, inexplicably, is the tie.

Rapper M.I.A. wearing Richard Quinn.

Those sitting next to M.I.A. would not have appreciated sleeves the size of floral barrage balloons.

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Young actress Ella Balinska wearing Giambattista Valli.

2019 saw Ella in the disaster that was Charlie’s Angels. 2020 saw Ella in the disaster that is Giambattista recycling a bedspread from one of those chintzy country house hotels in Cumbria.

DJ and presenter Edith Bowman, wearing The Vampire’s Wife.

Edith looks as though she got dressed in the dark and was then dragged through a hedge backwards. The yellow belt is about pointless as tits on a fish and the last time WTF saw gloves like that, they were on Charlie Fairhead in Casualty.

Actress Florence Pugh wearing Dries Van Noten.

This seems to be Marie-Antoinette’s boudoir gown held together by a couple of bell-pulls, and worn with a Minge Moment Mini. It is awful. The Miley Cyrus hair is awful. The green nails are awful. It is all awful.

TV ‘personality’ Maya Jama, wearing Azzi and Osta.

This is a titti tutti frutti atop a large bowl of custard. Maya would be advised not to make any sudden movements as that bodice is manifestly not up to the job of containment.

Singer Paloma Faith wearing Simone Rocha.

Paloma looks like a Meissen dairymaid. Extra minus points for the matching ankle socks and the dangling ribbons.

And finally, designer Richard Malone, wearing Richard Malone.

This is truly terrible down to the ankles, and then it turns totally tragic.

Richard appears to have nipped down to the fancy dress shop and hired a bullfighter costume. Only the bullfighter costume looks better than his offering. We can definitely see what side he dresses, and the trewsies have elephant vagina syndrome. Readers, do not try this look at home. Any of it. In particular, running away in platform boots from an angry bull with its horns inches from your arse would be most unwise. Not to mention painful when it makes contact. Which it will.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go is from WTF aficionado WTF, who is sick to the back teeth of kamikaze pedestrians hurtling themselves into the path of your car as you drive lawfully around London. It is bad enough that being a motorist is now only up from a kiddy fiddler, and that sanctimonious cyclists disregard the laws of safety and common sense with abandon. But now there are people positively daring you to run them over as they dash into your path whilst reading their mobile phones, or dart out from behind parked vehicles. And then when you swerve to avoid them, they give you the finger and blame YOU because you have four wheels. It is intolerable and It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your comments, which will bring cheer to WTF in these dark times, and please don’t forget your super suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

Posted in BAFTAs, Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr, Ivanka Trump, Michael Gove, Mitt Romney, Priti Patel, Stanley Johnson, UKIP, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

WTF Doomsday Special

Hallo Readers,

So this is it. Friday 31 January 2020 is the day that Britain waves bye-bye to the EU. At 11 pm tonight, Big Ben will not bong (the clock is under renovation), but Brexiteers various will pop open the British sparkling wine and uncap bottles of British beer and cheer lustily as we step into the sunlit uplands where chlorinated chickens scuttle about squeaking happily, where German car manufacturers are gagging to sell you shiny new motors at a knock-down price, and where you can now spend an hour in an immigration queue to get into those countries we have given the finger to, but which happen to have nice food and wine and stunning, sandy, beaches. We have our country back, ‘this blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England.’ And Wales. And Scotland (for now). And Northern Ireland (for now). 

But what are we going to do with this new-found freedom? Are we going to spend all that money we will save (after the divorce bill is paid) on hospitals, schools, and social services? Or are we going to spend it on tax cuts for the wealthy and big business? Are we going to consolidate employee benefits that EU employment law left us, like maximum working hours, the right to equal pay, maternity rights, and protection against discrimination? Or are we going to make life easier for employers and start cut, cut, cutting employee rights? You can bet your new blue passport that the answer to those questions in each case is the second option and not the first. This week saw Holocaust Memorial Day and the 75th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz. We saw what hate and others led to. And it is again rearing its ugly head. You think Britain is going to be a better place, now that it is OK to tell anyone with a brown face or a funny foreign accent to piss off back to where they came from, even though some of them actually come from here, and many of those who don’t have lived here and paid taxes for decades, and many others are not EU citizens anyway and come from somewhere else altogether? You think Britain is going to be a better place, where we are subject to the whims of an orange madman in the White House for our next trade deal? Do you think Britain is going to be a better place where the Government is openly talking about dismembering human rights laws, and slapping down pesky lawyers who have the temerity to challenge abuses of power?

As far as WTF is concerned, she can but hope that it absolutely pisses down with rain over Parliament Square tonight, soaking the Nigel Farages and the Katie Hopkinses and Jim Davidsons and the Tommy Robinsons and the Jacob Rees-Moggs and the Dominic Raabs and the Kate Hoeys, as they dance around cheering their heads off and throwing their newly minted fifty pence commemorative coins up into the air. WTF will be at home drinking some good French wine and shouting imprecations at the television. As for David Cameron, he should lock himself in his log cabin and hang his head in shame. But of course he will not doing that. He will be too busy counting his royalties.

Happy New Future everyone. But it won’t be…..

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Our survey of the week’s sartorial shit-pile features ‘clothes’ from the Grammys, held in Los Angeles  last weekend. We start with Canadian singer Orville Peck, wearing a Dior shirt and a face fringe.

Apparently the face fringe is his USP, but he looks like a pillock nonetheless. As for the hat, it has a rim like a toilet seat, while the half-finished pot in the middle puts one in mind of that scene with Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze in Ghost.

Gruesome twosome, actress Priyanka Chopra wearing Ralph & Russo, and her husband, singer Nick Jonas wearing Ermenegildo Zegna.

Priyanka usually looks good on the Red Carpet but her stylist here should get a slap, a P45 and another slap. This beach kaftan not only offers a preponderance of tit, but a V so low that it dips into a fanny flower. As for Nick, he has come dressed as a Grammy Award, complete with matching shoes.  

Model Shaun Ross, wearing a design of his own creation.

Dear Lord! First, there was Joseph and his coat of many colours. And now we have Shaun and his coat of many pustules. And his shirt. And his boots. Sitting down must have left his nether regions with more indentations than a golf ball.

Singer and Trump Tosser Joy Villa, wearing Dedesigns. 

You rarely hear of Joy between music award ceremonies, for which relief much thanks. A few years ago, she expressed the desire to stand as a Republican candidate for Congress, but it seems that even the GOP, albeit that it has parted with its senses, is not that dumb. Why is this woman even invited?

Singer/Dancer Paula Abdul at a pre-Grammys party, wearing  something really horrible.

Paula has come dressed as Poison Ivy from Batman, with a Minge Moment.

Rapper Lil Nas X (né Montero Lamar Hill), wearing Versace. 

Yee haw! You never saw Clint Eastwood dressed like this. Lil Nas X is putting the Oh! into Oklahoma.

Singer and multiple-prize winner on the night, young Billie Eilish wearing Gucci.

The Coronavirus is certainly worrying, but surely Billie was taking precaution too far? The mask might prove handy in Liaoning, but in Los Angeles it seems somewhat superfluous. However, Billie seems to have been afflicted by something else quite serious, as she has gone mouldy.

The pre-Grammys parties on Saturday night saw singer Lizzo, wearing THIS.

WTF doesn’t give a stuff what size you are. Spanx Power Panties, a wraparound top and fishnet tights are not an outfit. Not even at all.

Rappers Cardi B wearing Nicholas Jebran, and her husband Offset  (né Kiari Kendrell Cephus).

If Jessica Rabbit went to fancy dress party as a pole  dancer, this is what she would look like. 

As  for Mr Rabbit, WTF can only assume that the alarm system had failed at home, requiring him to wear his entire jewellery collection to the ceremony for insurance purposes.

Rapper Tyler the Creator (né Tyler Gregory Okonma), wearing a bellhop uniform. 

Bellhops usually carry other people’s suitcases. This one is carrying his own. Go figure…..

This last one is BAD. BADDER THAN BAD. THAT BAD. Ready? You won’t be. Here is ‘singer’ and Trump Tosser Ricky Rebel, (né Ricky Godinez), wearing Andre Soriano.

Ricky champions gay rights. Has he ever asked himself how this attire, let alone gay rights, would play in the Trump heartlands? He would be lucky to get out alive. Hell, he was lucky to get out of this auditorium alive. He brought his own lace chuppah,  like a Gay Jewish remake of Game of Thrones‘ Red Wedding, and was togged up in boots, trousers with blowholes, and peekaboo fringes. And the back is even worse.

This is an arse airing with the words ‘IMPEACH THIS’ written on his bare buttocks. What would Mike and Karen Pence think? WTF knows what she thinks, but she won’t repeat it to avoid spoiling your breakfast yet further.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go is from WTF aficionado Gita (@MsAlliance) from Hong Kong (via Beckenham) who has drawn attention to Gucci’s new Fall collection. Cute, isn’t it? But here’s the thing. This is the MEN’s collection.

 WTF is sure that Gita likes a laugh as well as the next person, (she reads this blog for a start), but honestly, this is a laugh too far. She is right. It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your comments, which will bring cheer to WTF in these dark times, and please don’t forget your super suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

 

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WTF HRH Special

Hallo Readers,

You have to hand it to the Royal Family. When they want you out, you are out. And by out, WTF means out as in you-are-never-coming-back-not-even-at-all out. They are more ruthless than Cersei Lannister. Cross this lot and you are on a one-way ticket to Nowheresville. Or in the case of Prince Harry, his wife Meghan, and baby Archie Windsor, to Vancouver Island. Which is probably the same thing, The young couple envisaged keeping their titles, carrying out some duties, continuing (in Harry’s case) as Colonel-in-Chief of various military brigades, and having some some sort of new role in the Family Firm. Fat chance. It is a good job that Harry was not charged with negotiating Brexit. We would have ended up paying billions and having a border down the Irish Sea. Oh, hang on…..

Harry and Meghan did not just get nothing, they would have to had to have done 1000% better just to have got nothing. No HRH title. No Royal duties, not even opening a new public toilet on a wet Wednesday in Widnes. No Honorary Colonels of anything, including a boys’ brigade in Bangor. No new role. Not even of any kind. And they have to pay back the £2.4m stumped up by Tim and Tilly Tosser the taxpayers for the refurbishment of their ‘cottage’ on the Windsor Estate. In his farewell speech on these shores, Harry made it clear that this was not what he wanted. You bet it wasn’t. As the Duke of Kent remarked to King Lear

“Fare thee well, king: sith thus thou wilt appear,
Freedom lives hence, and banishment is here.”

The Royals have not actually stripped Harry and Meghan of their HRH status, but it is clear that they are not permitted to use it. Apparently, only working Royals can use it. Really? Prince Andrew, the nonce’s friend, has been banished from public duties, only allowed out to Church with his mum on Sundays, the Royal equivalent of half an hour in the prison exercise yard. He is still an HRH. His daughters, Beatrice and Eugenie, are both HRH and they do bugger all except to wear terrible clothes and to hobnob with celebs at parties. But Harry is banished abroad and denied an army epaulette. So spiteful. So petty. No wonder he wanted out. For shame.

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This week’s survey of fashion flotsam comes from the Screen Actors Guild Awards in Hollywood. We start with young actor Caleb McLaughlin, wearing Berluti.

These can best be described as comedy trousers. Not only do they end way above his ankles, but they also seem to have been patched with that tape you buy from the hardware store when some clothing is split and you want to mend it. As for Caleb’s feet, they appear to be so big, they could probably be seen from Outer Space.

Actress Kristen Gutoskie, wearing Jenny Packham.

She is wearing tit bows. Why would anyone wear tit bows? And this dress would be lovely without the tit bows. Jenny Packham – why?

Actress Nathalie Emmanuel ,wearing Miu Miu.

More tit bows! It was officially tit bows week in Hollywood. Nathalie’s tit bow effort is even worse than Kristen’s tit bow effort because (i) her tit bows are bigger and (ii) they are attached to the sort of flock curtains you last saw in your Auntie Ethel’s room when you visited her in the home for the terminally bewildered.

Actor Andrew Scott ,wearing Azzaro.

Andrew took a horrible-coloured suit and added an even more horrible-coloured satin shirt, and then compounded those offences with a black bow tie, black shoes and a black cummerbund, as sported by 1950’s nightclub singers. And to compound the offence to the power of n, he is listing to one side like the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

Actress Francia Raisa wearing who knows what. Or why.


This is a diamond-shaped tit window. But in this case, diamonds are not a girl’s best friend. Especially as this aperture reveals a tan-line. Here is a WTF Rule. If you are going to expose your bits, make sure that they are the same colour all over, or get busy the night before with the St Tropez.

Actress Patricia Arquette, wearing Rosetta Getty.

The Golden Globes gave us Olivia Colman dressed as a Victorian postbox. Now we have Patricia dressed as a Chelsea Pensioner who lost his feet in the trenches at Passchendale.

If there is a more unflattering outfit than Patricia’s in the history of ever, WTF is glad she missed it. AND IT HAS A TRAIN!!!!!!!

Actress Sarah Hyland, wearing Philosophy di Lorenzo Serafini. Did you know that Francia Raisa gave Sarah Hyland, her best friend, one of her kidneys? Now, that is friendship.

What is not friendship is your stylist making you wear this. We have had tit bows and now we have  beaver bow.

And here is a bum bow. Bows are so versatile,

And finally, this is stand-up comic and actress Retta, wearing who can even say what this is?

What the actual fuck is this supposed to be? Who would even conceive of anything so bizarre? Retta doing stand-up probably never got such a big laugh as the one emitted by WTF on seeing this excrescence. Full marks to WTF aficionado Jen, who brilliantly identified the inspiration for this get-up as Cousin It from The Addams Family.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go is from WTF aficionado Yvonne from Jedburgh who has brought this horror to our attention. It is a handbag, or purse as our American cousins would have it, with a built-in gun. The inventor is Indian designer Shyam Chaurasia from  Varanasi. He told a newspaper that

“In case the woman is in trouble or anyone tries anything and she is not carrying a mobile phone, she can press a button on the lipstick gun which is linked to Bluetooth and it will immediately make a call to the 112 emergency number and share her location with the emergency service, so the police can arrive to help her. Meanwhile, before the police arrive, the lipstick will also fire a [blank round] bullet and alert the public who can come to help her.”

Sadly in India, violence against women is rife, but is this really the answer? On reading Yvonne’s tweet, WTF aficionado Ruth-Anne asked “Can they not just educate men to NOT ATTACK WOMEN?” Indeed. It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. It is nice to be back. Keep sending in your comments, which will bring cheer to WTF in these dark times, and please don’t forget your super suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

Posted in Brexit, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Fashion, Fashion Disasters, Meghan Markle, Politics, Prince Andrew, Prince Charles, Prince Harry, Princess Beatrice, Princess Eugenie, Royal Baby, Royal Family, SAG AWards, Uncategorized, Wort dressed celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

WTF Lady Bracknell Special

Hallo Readers,

As Lady Bracknell might have remarked, ‘to have one lawyer involved in major dodginess may be regarded as a misfortune. To have two looks like carelessness’. In which case, it seems that Donald J Trump has been monumentally careless. His former personal lawyer, Michael Cohen, is in jail for all manner of jiggery-pokery, including breaching election law by paying off popsies claiming to have dallied with Trump, lying his head off to Congress, and failing to pay his taxes. His present personal lawyer, pop-eyed, madder-than-a-box-of-frogs, Rudy Giuliani started off life as a top prosecutor and was then Mayor of New York, but is now dodgier than a dodgy dodger with dodginess issues. Rudy is neck-deep in Ukrainian doo-doo, having acted on behalf of his client Trump, and various other shysters clients including Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman, both currently under indictment for making iffy campaign contributions. As far as the Ukraine scandal is concerned, Parnas is mixed up in whatever Giuliani is mixed up in, acting on Trump’s behalf to get rid of people fighting corruption, including the then Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch, and assisting Trump’s plan to pressure the new President by withholding millions in military aid until he agreed to announce an investigation into Trump’s probable 2020 Presidential rival, former Vice President Joe Biden and Biden’s son Hunter. Parnas now says that Trump knew all about everything. Trump claims he does not even know Parnas, although Parnas has photos galore showing him cuddling up to Trump. But then Trump often claims not to know people. There will come a time when he will claim not to know Giuliani. Or Jared and Ivanka. Or even his own name.

Here’s the thing. Many people come into contact with one or more dodgy types, even if they themselves are not. But it is increasingly difficult to find any of Trump’s contacts who are not dodgy. His address book is like a Who’s Who’s in Sing-Sing. Aides and advisers are in jail, awaiting sentencing, in disgrace, or out of office. And many of the ones who are not in jail, awaiting sentencing, in disgrace, or out of office are no better. No one, not even Job, could be so unlucky as to hook up with so many deeply unsavoury characters who end up losing their ‘Get out of Jail’ cards. He surrounds himself with shysters because he is one. It is the only language he can understand.

Meanwhile, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo purports to be a devout Christian, as does Vice President Mike Pence. Nevertheless, their obligations as Christians are outweighed by their desire to have a crack at the top job in 2024. And so it is that Pompeo has not lifted a finger to help Yovanovitch,  or said one word to her or in her support, despite the fact that she was targeted for removal from the Ukraine, and possibly from everywhere, that she was called home in a hurry out of concern for her personal safety, and that she has been slandered, abused (principally by Trump) and ridiculed for having the temerity to want to serve her country and to do her job, even if it inconvenienced whatever crooked plan Giuliani, Parnas and Trump were pursuing. Mike P and Mike P, Christian is as Christian does. There is more to it than just outlawing abortion and opposing gay marriage. Try being decent human beings and see how you get on…..

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We start the review of the week’s sartorial stupidity with Presidential daughter-in-law Lara Trump, seen with her idiot husband, Eric Trump.

This is from New Year’s Eve at Mar A Largo, but hitherto there has been no opportunity to feature it. Eric is the quintessence of gormlessness, while Lara resembles a quirky seashell with a face more frozen than Princess Elsa.

It seems that actress Salma Hayek cannot keep out of this blog. Here she is, wearing Gucci.

There are a lot of checks here and none of them match. The only check Salma should have done is to have looked in the mirror before she left home. She is married to the bloke who owns Gucci, yet she always manages to pick the runt of the haute couture litter. 

The bulk of the rest of this week’s horrors come from the Critics’ Choice Awards in Hollywood last Sunday. We start with producer Janet Mock, wearing Valentino.

The colour is good. But it is a designer sack, and what the fuck are those gloves? She looks like she is about to shove her hand up a cow’s arse.


Singer Keltie Knight, wearing Giambattista Valli x H&M.

 If a pixie went to a fancy dress party dressed as a peach soufflé, this is what she would look like. And there is also very serious foot blotch.

This is The Marvelous Mrs Maisel actress, Rachel Brosnahan, wearing Carolina Herrera.

Mrs Maisel would never have worn this because it is horrid, not to mention unflattering. WTF is also concerned that whoever did Rachel’s makeup must have had a serious grudge against her because she bears a close resemblance to someone recently  exhumed.

Now we have singer Zendaya Coleman, wearing Tom Ford.

She is wearing magenta tit armour. When did tit armour suddenly become a thing? Gwyneth Paltrow was wearing something similar the other day on the cover of a glossy magazine. Frankly, it is downright unnerving, and the matching skirt does not match and looks tawdry. 

Yes, it’s him again. WTF speaks of actor Billy Porter, wearing Hogan McLaughlin.


It is getting to the stage where Billy is only going to make any real impact if he comes dressed in a DJ, like everyone else. The top of his jumpsuit looks like a chair back.

Meanwhile, the transfers suggest he is being attacked by a flock of mutant butterflies in some sci-fi blockbuster.

Finally, we leave the Critics’ Choice for an absolute shocker on Z lister-supreme Lauren Goodger wearing, and WTF uses the word loosely, I SAW IT FIRST (sic).

WARNING – THIS IS VERY BAD!!!!!

AND HERE IS ANOTHER WARNING TO GO WITH THE FIRST WARNING!!!!

Never mind I SAW IT FIRST. WTF wishes that she had never seen it at all. What we have here are a couple of overripe melons tumbling out of a string bag. Yurgle.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go is from WTF aficionado Honsa from West London who is appalled, and then appalled some more, by the latest nonsense from Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle website, Goop. It is a scented candle, costing $58. Which allegedly smells like her vagina.

 

Gwyneth has form for minge-related moments. Who can forget her championing of vaginal steaming? Not to mention her flogging vaginal jade eggs which apparently did all sorts of soothing things for your lady areas, except that it turned out that they didn’t, and Goop was fined $145,000 under Californian law. Given her Goopy history, who can say what Gwyneth has inserted into her vagina, but this candle whiffs of ‘geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar absolutes, juxtaposed with damask rose and ambrette seed’. Here’s the conundrum. How do we know whether Gwyneth does smell like this? It – and she – Has Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your comments, which will bring cheer to WTF in these almost-Brexit times, and please don’t forget your top suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

 

Posted in Brexit, Critics'' Choice Awards, Donald Trump, Fashion, Fashion Awards, Fashion Disasters, Ivanka Trump, Mike Pence, Mike Pompeo, Politics, Ukraine, Uncategorized, US Election | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

WTF Megxit Special

Hallo Readers,

This week, Britain was horrified to learn that an American TV star had beguiled a boyish Old Etonian into abandoning his obligations towards an elderly Head of State.  But that is enough about Donald Trump and his attempt to lure Boris Johnson into turning on Iranian President Hassan Rouhani and ditching the non-nuclear agreement. Let us speak instead of Meghan Markle, currently-but-for-how-long HRH the Duchess of Sussex, and her adoring husband, nice-but-dim HRH Prince Harry, the Duke of Sussex, who have both given the finger to his grandmother the Queen, his father the Prince of Wales, his brother and sister-in-law the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, and the whole Royal Household. The young couple ignored Granny’s instruction to make no public announcement at this time, and instead announced that they were retreating from their roles as senior members of The Firm. Instead, they and baby Archie would divide their time between Canada and the UK, where they intended to pursue the golden path to (bigly) independent incomes. In short, they were done with the dreariness of Royal Protocol and the stultifying repetition of family get togethers in chilly palaces and stately homes. Farewell to old people’s homes, to attending boring charity dinners, to ignoring the smell of fresh paint, and to cooing ‘Gosh, how interesting’ when shown the innards of a new widget machine in Dudley. Instead, it is hallo to savouring the pleasures of making masses of money, to appearing on US late night chat shows, and to hobnobbing with George and Amal, Oprah, and that bloke who starred with Meghan in Suits. Indeed, it appears that Meghan and Archie have already gone back to Canada after only three days back in the UK. In short, it has all gone tits up for the royals.

Harry and Meghan are not intending to relinquish their Windsor home (owned by Granny, and done up to their exacting requirements by Tim and Tilly Tosser, the taxpayers), their income (courtesy of Daddy) or their Royal titles. They want to be part-time Royals, enjoying the good bits and giving up the boring bits. Of course WTF understands that Royal Life is boring. The Royals are boring. That is the point of them. They are not supposed to be interesting but Meghan was much too interesting to be a real Royal. She had an acting career. She was divorced. She was American and liberal. She did not wear hosiery. And, of course, she was mixed race. Her father’s family are like something out of Deliverance.  Her svelte mother teaches yoga. From the beginning, she had to endure overt and covert racism, sexism and xenophobic abuse from the very people who now complain that she has induced her husband into doing a runner. On Thursday, WTF was forced to hear pompous journalist Tom Bower sneeringly observe that Meghan was never right for the Family and that she was forever playing the ‘race card’. Harry already loathed the intrusive Press because of the way they treated his mother. And people wonder why they are leaving? Teams of rocket scientists are currently working round the clock to solve this conundrum….

Frankly, why would you NOT leave that Family business? Charles has spent his whole life waiting for a job he will not start until well after most other people have retired. William may have to wait decades until he has his go. Harry will never have a go at all, and yet he is expected to hang about under full public scrutiny while his wife is abused and sneered at, and his privacy invaded. Half the family is not talking to the other. Tea with Uncle Andy, the Nonce’s mate, or cocktails with Brad Pitt? WTF knows which one she’d opt for. Cheers!

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All the fashion follies this week come from last Sunday’s the Golden Globes 2020 in Beverley Hills. Talking as we were of The Queen, we start with Olivia Colman, who won Best performance by an Actress in a TV Drama for her role as HMQ in series 3 of The Crown. Olivia is wearing Emilia Wickstead.


Now that Olivia has won an Oscar, a Golden Globe and who knows what other honours, it is time she got herself a decent stylist. This is one ugly dress and it makes her look like a Victorian postbox.

Actress Priyanka Chopra, wearing Kukhareva London, and husband, singer and actor Joe Jonas, wearing Prada. They are off to the In Style after-party.

The party may have been In Style, but they are not. Her dress for the ceremony was gorgeous, but then she changed into this thing, covered in the mould found growing on damp walls in a dosshouse.

As for Nick, as usual, his suit does not fit and he looks like a knob.

Actress Cate Blanchett, wearing Mary Karantzou.

WTF hates a jewelled titty. In Cate’s case, she looks like a jewelled Nefertiti. And the last time WTF saw a mullet like that, it was sitting on Rod Stewart’s head in the 1970s.

Actress Lucy Boynton, wearing Louis Vuitton.

If a silver candlestick in a blond wig and platform sandals went to the Golden Globes, this is what it would look like.

Actor and comedian Ramy Youseff, in a bad suit with his award for Best Performance by an actor in a TV musical or comedy. Scroll down slowly.

The suit colour is reminiscent of a guest at a 1950’s Mafioso wedding in a Martin Scorsese movie. As for the footwear, TRAINERS DO NOT GO WITH BLACK TIE. FACT.

Actress Sienna Miller, wearing Gucci.

Hats off to WTF aficionado Philippa, who described this pithily as three shades of phlegm. It so is. And the hem is puckered like the Dowager Countess’s lips in Downton Abbey.

Actress Katherine McNamara, wearing a Ulyana Sergeenko design from 2015.

WTF likes M&Ms as much as the next person, but not as tit sprinkles. And she hates that Angelina Jolie sticky-out-leg pose almost above all things.

Queer Eye presenter Karamo Brown, wearing Grayscale.

The jacket is too small and the trousers are in a Mexican standoff with his ankles. Shamies.

Actress Kerry Washington, wearing Altuzarra.

More Angelina posing. WTF likes the skirt. She likes the jacket. But the skirt is held up by diamanté tit braces in lieu of a top, under the jacket which must have been superglued to Kerry’s person.

Actress and lifestyle guru Gwyneth Paltrow, wearing Fendi.

Someone called @AtlantisRising replied to a tweet from @WTF_EEK (that’s me, by the way – what do you mean, you don’t do Twitter?) about Gwynnie’s frock horror, ‘If you are hating on this dress you do not understand what it means. This is simply stunning and when I am able, I will enlighten you the proper way. ⚡️❤️🌍🕊’  WTF is still waiting to be enlightened….. To her, it is a stinker, peekaboo frills the colour of diseased animal droppings with a side order of buttock.

And there is also the matter of the necklace worn UNDER the dress. Was this done as a precaution against it being nicked by a jewel thief? If only someone had nicked the dress the night before, and saved the world’s eyeballs from this affront.

WTF originally gave the Worst Dressed of the Night to Gwyneth but that was before she saw actress Hunter Schafer at the HBO after-party, wearing Rick Owens.

When the hideous backdrop looks better than what you’re wearing, you have a problem. In this case, a yellow top that resembles an oversized gas mask and an alleged skirt like a giant sanitary pad, worn with horrible horses’ hooves. An early contender for the WTF Summer Stinker 2020 and we are still in early January.

Finally, for those who missed the tweet announcing the winner of the WTF Christmas Turkey Poll 2019, it was…

DRUMROLL…..

BOBBY LYTES! His behind was in the front from the start and stayed there, and is it surprising? A worthy winner…..

 

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This week’s It’s Got To Go is from WTF aficionado Mary from Birmingham, who introduced WTF to these absurd McDonalds trainers. Neither Mary nor WTF is loving’ it. Quite the reverse.

Fortunately these are a one-off  (for now) but they are ludicrous. If you run in them, could someone ketchup? Mary opines that that the world has gone mad. She’s right. It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. It is nice to be back. Keep sending in your comments, which will bring cheer to WTF in these dark times, and please don’t forget your super suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

Posted in Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Donald Trump, Duchess of Sussex, Fashion, Fashion Awards, Fashion Disasters, Golden Globes, Meghan Markle, Oprah Winfrey, Politics, Prince Andrew, Prince Charles, Prince Harry, Royal Family, sexism, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

WTF Christmas Turkey Poll 2019

This is in memory of Andrew Purcell, a friend of the blog and the best ever leaver of comments, who sadly died recently. A native of Houston, Texas, he did a guest opener when the city was flooded a few years back and it was as wonderful and witty as you would have expected it to be. Andrew you are – and will be – missed.

 

Hallo Readers,

WTF has decided to look back at some of the good things this year because, Heaven knows, last week’s rant was enough to make you want to cut your wrists. And then we can get on to the serious business of the year – voting in the fabled WTF Christmas Turkey Poll.

So here are WTF’s highlights of the year.

1. Donald Trump’s ridiculous two-tone-tan, sported at his club in Mar-A-Lago last week. WTF has two questions, both pertinent. One – do his family and staff really hate him that much that they stayed schtumm? (Answer – yes). And two, if, as Trump maintains, he is not really orange, and it is the fault of LED lightbulbs that he looks like that, why is half his face the colour of a overcooked Welsh rarebit while the other half is as white as a Klu Klux Klansman’s robe?

2. The incredible bravery of the Hong Kong students taking to the streets at huge personal risk to themselves, in opposition to the oppressive Chinese Government. Humbling.

3. And talking of bravery, let us also salute the motley collection of ex-cons, kitchen staff, an off-duty copper, a civil servant, and a couple of tour guides, who tackled and disarmed a murderous Jihadist who was armed with two huge kitchen knives, starting in Fishmongers Hall and ending on London Bridge. Darryn Frost, the civil servant wielding a Nawahl tusk, got a lot of publicity, but WTF’s heart belongs to John Crilly, on licence for manslaughter, as he put a fire extinguisher to a dual purpose. First he used it to spray the bastard to the ground, and then he hit him with it. Top stuff.

4. The England cricket team, twice snatching success from the jaws of defeat. Special mention to the awesome Ben Stokes. There are times when it is still possible to feel pride in this country. Here were two them.

5. WTF has only just discovered The Marvelous Mrs Maisel. Wow, it’s wonderful.

6. Netflix, for bringing top movies The Irishman, Roma, and Marriage Story right into your living room. This way you don’t have to schlep out in the cold to see them, plus no one is crunching their way through a carton of popcorn the size of Scotland.

7. The number of hump back whales has increased from 450 fifty years ago to 25,000 in 2019. Proving, remarkably, that if you don’t hunt and kill things, they survive and prosper. Who knew?

8. Greta Thunberg, for winning Time Person of the Year. Because she has done so much good in making people (of all ages) think about climate change. And because it really, really, pissed off Mr Two-Tone. These are both good things.

Right – to business. I mean, it is time to vote for the WTF Christmas Turkey 2019, with eighteen persons vying for the much-coveted prize of looking like a total pillock. Remember that you can vote for as many people as you like, and as often as you like – none of that single transferable vote malarkey here. Just check the appropriate box or boxes on the ballot form. The contestants appear in first name alphabetical order, which denotes absolutely no preference on WTF’s part. Frankly, they are all so terrible, it would not matter what order they were in.

WTF will be back, tanned and rested, on 11 January 2019 with a brand new blog and the results of this Poll.

Here are the eighteen shockers for your delectation and selection.

1. Ajiona Alexus, actress.

Ajiona’s nether regions resembled those of a newly-plucked, exceptionally well-fed, ostrich. This is really rather disturbing.

2. Bel Powley, actress.

Until she saw Bel’s dress, WTF had no idea that tit goggles were an actual thing. Here was a pretty dress ruined by the aforementioned tit goggles, the python around her hips, and a cape designed for the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

3. Bobby Lytes, entertainer.

It was hard enough looking at the yellow lace and the sparkly kiddies’ trainers, and that was before you even got to the arse viewing panel. Yurgle. Put it away, Bobby!

4. Cardi B, rapper.

Of course, it could have been anybody in there, but whoever it was, s/he was awash with florals, like Hyacinth Bucket wandering in a verdant summer meadow. 

5. Darren Criss, actor.

Justin Trudeau lookalikey Darren demonstrated the hazards of a satin suit, which always puckers and crumples like a sharpei’s bum. And this one came with its own ombré comfort blanket.

6. Dascha Polanco, actress.

Dascha was dressed as a tinfoil version of the Sandeman logo, but with genitalia curtains and some silvery sandals.  One gust of wind and there could have been an international incident.

7. Ezra Miller, actor.

This is proof, should proof be required, that red eyeshadow does not look good on anybody. Nor does writing SLUT on your cheekbone. Nor does the combo of leopardskin shorts and stole, complete with the ‘Take-a-letter-Ms-Jones’ pussycat-bow blouse and lamé bootees. 

8. Jeremy Scott, Moschino designer.

Jeremy is a serial offender, with the emphasis on ‘offend’, and this ridiculous outfit was no exception, like a kinky bondage matador dressed for all eventualities. 

9. Joan Collins, actress.

Dame Joan is 86 years old and is too old to be dressing as a doxy. Those trousers were just unacceptable. Stormy Daniels spoke disparagingly of Donald Trump’s ‘yeti pubes’, and sadly, Joan’s spangly bits brought those words to mind. Back to the ballgowns, Joan!

10. Julia Fox, actress.

Yes, WTF has said this before, and no doubt she will say it again. If you have to hang something in front of your minge, there is something wrong with your outfit. And with you for wearing it.

11. Justin Bieber, singer.

Why a 25-year-old man chose to wander round Beverley Hills dressed like one of the Lost Boys in teddy-bear jim-jams and smiley emoji slippers, WTF cannot say. But it did not look good. There is a village somewhere missing its idiot.

12. Kash Doll, rapper.

Tits ahoy! Tattooed tits at that. And there is camel-toe in abundance, puckered knees, a split trouser-hem, and sleeves like a Californian cheerleader’s pom-poms. Why?

13. Laverne Coxactress.

No knickers and tit-strips. And what looked like a slave’s halter. Just. Very. Bad. Laverne, you are better than this.

14. Lena Dunham, actress.


Lena has never really got the hang of Red Carpet dressing, and this was no exception. She looked just like an exploded Christmas muppet with tattoos. Horrid.

15. Lil’ Kim, rapper.

The proportions here were very odd (the dress, not Lil’ Kim, although frankly both are true). She looked as though she had been stretched sideways, and her head seemed to have been superimposed onto someone else’s body.

16. Melina Matsoukas, director.

As WTF noted at the time, this was like a medieval troubadour whose innards had been torn out by an angry monarch. Why anybody thought this was a good idea, Heaven knows….

17. Neelam Gill, model.

It is rare to find an imminent Minge Moment on a jumpsuit. Just saying. And there was an inordinate amount of tit.

18. Sam Smith, singer.

Sam was wearing bottle-green lacy leisurewear and a matching robe. With black brogues. The ‘a’ was for an Attitude Award, but it could equally have stood for ‘aaaarghhh’.

OK Readers! Get voting!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

Posted in Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Donald Trump, Fashion, Fashion Awards, Fashion Disasters, Greta Thunberg, London Bridge, Politics, Texas, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments