wtffashionshark

Hallo Readers,

This week a man was recognised for his contribution to making the world a better, braver, more ethical place. Such courage! Such charisma! No, not Volodymyr Zalenskyy. We will get to him shortly. WTF speaks of village idiot and Frank Spencer lookalikey Gavin Williamson, on whom Boris Johnson conferred a knighthood ‘for services to the Conservative Party’. Really? Williamson made Chris Grayling look like Machiavelli, a man whose rise without trace saw him sacked as Defence Secretary by Theresa May for leaking and then sacked as Education Secretary by Boris Johnson after a stint during lockdown that united parents, public, politicians and the teaching profession against him.  As Shadow Education Secretary Bridget Phillipson remarked yesterday ‘Gavin Williamson left children to go hungry, created two years of complete chaos over exams and failed to get laptops out to kids struggling to learn during lockdowns. His record is astonishing and disgraceful’. Arise Sir Gavin, the man who, as Defence Secretary, famously told Vladimir Putin to ‘go away and shut up’. That told him….

Surprisingly, Williamson’s manly poking of the Russian bear did not deter Putin from the path of warfare and destruction, and so it was that last week tanks rolled across the border into Ukraine and the cities of Kyiv, Lviv  and Kharkiv were shelled and bombed. Refugees streamed across the borders into Moldova and Poland or took trains to Germany, although men between 18 and 60 were not allowed to leave, urged to stay and fight by Zelenskyy, a stocky, unshaven figure in a khaki teeshirt who has inspired his countrymen to fight by a mixture of charm, grit, humanity, determination, actual charisma and guts. Grannies have been making Molotov cocktails. Citizens have stood in front of tanks or thrown chairs or tree trunks in front of convoys to block their paths. Described by Putin as a NeoNazi (he’s a Jew) and a drug-addict (he isn’t, unlike Putin who is so full of steroids he might have been blown up with helium), he is the antithesis of the  bloodless, dead-eyed madman in the Kremlin who doesn’t care how many die in his quest to take Ukraine back within Russian borders and snuff out the fledgling democracy that has been growing next door. He is out in the streets filming himself on his phone to prove that he has not fled the country.  He gives press conferences in his bunker. He addresses the EU and the UN, imploring aid and bullets. It is magnificent to behold. The man is a hero, a Leader. But in WTF’s heart, she knows that ultimately he is doomed. That Putin, frustrated by his lack of progress to date, will use ever more terrible means of pounding the country and its government into submission.  That the heroism of Zelenskyy and his people will burn like the brightest flame and then, like the Prague Spring of 1968 and the wonder of Tiananmen  Square in 1989, be snuffed while the world watches on powerlessly. WTF has never hoped so much that she is wrong. Our generation and younger generations grew upon thinking we were safe. Then we got hit by Covid and now the realisation that we cannot stop anyone doing anything if they really want to do it. Just pray and hope. “Slava Ukraini!”.

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It seems a little frivolous to worry about frocks at this point when the money lavished on absurd outfits could feed a large number of refugees, but we need the light relief. There were so many candidates for the review of this week’s fashion faux pas that several people who looked like dead certs early on in the week were saved from public ignominy – yes, you Douglas Hodge, Cynthia Erivo and several others who can thank their lucky stars that the NME Music Awards came along a few days after the SAG Awards, not to mention Fashion Weeks in Milan and Paris. We start with actor Lily James at Milan Fashion Week’s Versace show wearing, er,  Versace.

This is vulgar  and cheap, while the weird looking strap suggests that Lily is being battery operated and for some reason, she has been sprayed Donald Trump day-go orange. Plus, as the picture below demonstrates, she is living proof of the WTF rule that if you have to hold your bag in front of your Minge, there is something wrong with your outfit. And with you for wearing it…..

Next, we are in Paris for the Dior show, where we encounter a pregnant Rihanna wearing Dior.

Yes, love, you’re pregnant. We get it. We have been looking at your bump for weeks now. This may come as a surprise, but you are not the first woman to be with child. The outfit may delight ASAP Rocky, your babyfather, in the boudoir but it is ridiculously OTT for outdoor wear. Cover up and go away…..

To the Screen Actors Guild (SAG) Awards in LA, where we find actor Shari Belafonte wearing who can even say what?

Here is BoHo and there is HoHo. This is the latter. Shari looks like Peruvian peasant about to blow her pan pipes.

This is actor Rob Morgan wearing Toure Designs.

He must be a really good actor because he is managing a beaming smile, despite wearing a roll of 1960’s wallpaper.

Actor Jessica Chastain wearing Dior Haute Couture !!??!!!!

Bloody hell. The only thing haute about this nonsense is the waistline. Even Simon Cowell doesn’t wear his trousers that haute. WHERE ARE HER FEET? If you are wearing Haute Couture, at least hem the bloody trewsies. And she has forgotten to put something under her jacket, namely a top. Or even a bra.

It would not be a real awards ceremony without Jared Leto wearing Gucci. 

Jared has gone all Showboat to the extent that you expect him to start belting out Only Make Believe  and he had donned the full Riverboat Gambler look with that ridiculous ribbon tie. WTF is sorry to note that satin creases like hell, especially around the goolies like a thrush petrie dish, and no man should ever wear white shoes unless he is a doctor or playing tennis. The most offensive thing, though, are the gloves, like ill-fitting, frilly sausage skins.

And here is Succession’s Jeremy Strong wearing Prada.

Jezza is bedecked in a suit of raspberry velvet, with a shirt and bowtie the colour of putty. WTF is giving it the raspberry. He looks like a greying wedding pageboy.

To the NME Awards in London where we find rapper FKA Twigs wearing Liza Keane.

WTF is not Keane on this titsy horror, which makes Twigs look like the love child of a scarecrow and a mud wrestler.

And finally we have rapper Saweetie at the Women in Music Awards wearing Valentino. Valentino! Ye Gods….

WTF is battle hardened but on sight of Saweetie’s improbably globular titties, like a pair of  leather footballs stuck to her chest, WTF emitted a squawk like a tortured parrot and kept on squawking while her neighbours dialled 999. And that was before she discovered that it was by Valentino…..

This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado, Ayesha from Stepney who takes up the baton from last week’s It’s Got To Go proffered by Leslie of Lisson Grove. Leslie was fed with with those artfully “curated” bookshelves on telly Zoom/Webex interviews. Ayesha is equally fed up with some people’s horrible decor and artworks. Like this….

This is William Cohen, former US Secretary of State for Defence, and this, presumably, is his sitting room or study. Ayesha has taken against the terrible picture, which looks like some beginner’s painting-by-numbers, and she has also spoken in an unfriendly way about the plaster head (not William’s). At least he is not showing his bedsheets. It’s Got To Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Please keep those comments coming in as they make WTF more cheery than a cheery thing feeling cheery. And of course,  your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go.  Let us meet again on Friday. Be good x