wtffashionshark

Hallo Readers,

You have to hand it to the Royal Family. When they want you out, you are out. And by out, WTF means out as in you-are-never-coming-back-not-even-at-all out. They are more ruthless than Cersei Lannister. Cross this lot and you are on a one-way ticket to Nowheresville. Or in the case of Prince Harry, his wife Meghan, and baby Archie Windsor, to Vancouver Island. Which is probably the same thing, The young couple envisaged keeping their titles, carrying out some duties, continuing (in Harry’s case) as Colonel-in-Chief of various military brigades, and having some some sort of new role in the Family Firm. Fat chance. It is a good job that Harry was not charged with negotiating Brexit. We would have ended up paying billions and having a border down the Irish Sea. Oh, hang on…..

Harry and Meghan did not just get nothing, they would have to had to have done 1000% better just to have got nothing. No HRH title. No Royal duties, not even opening a new public toilet on a wet Wednesday in Widnes. No Honorary Colonels of anything, including a boys’ brigade in Bangor. No new role. Not even of any kind. And they have to pay back the £2.4m stumped up by Tim and Tilly Tosser the taxpayers for the refurbishment of their ‘cottage’ on the Windsor Estate. In his farewell speech on these shores, Harry made it clear that this was not what he wanted. You bet it wasn’t. As the Duke of Kent remarked to King Lear

“Fare thee well, king: sith thus thou wilt appear,
Freedom lives hence, and banishment is here.”

The Royals have not actually stripped Harry and Meghan of their HRH status, but it is clear that they are not permitted to use it. Apparently, only working Royals can use it. Really? Prince Andrew, the nonce’s friend, has been banished from public duties, only allowed out to Church with his mum on Sundays, the Royal equivalent of half an hour in the prison exercise yard. He is still an HRH. His daughters, Beatrice and Eugenie, are both HRH and they do bugger all except to wear terrible clothes and to hobnob with celebs at parties. But Harry is banished abroad and denied an army epaulette. So spiteful. So petty. No wonder he wanted out. For shame.

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This week’s survey of fashion flotsam comes from the Screen Actors Guild Awards in Hollywood. We start with young actor Caleb McLaughlin, wearing Berluti.

These can best be described as comedy trousers. Not only do they end way above his ankles, but they also seem to have been patched with that tape you buy from the hardware store when some clothing is split and you want to mend it. As for Caleb’s feet, they appear to be so big, they could probably be seen from Outer Space.

Actress Kristen Gutoskie, wearing Jenny Packham.

She is wearing tit bows. Why would anyone wear tit bows? And this dress would be lovely without the tit bows. Jenny Packham – why?

Actress Nathalie Emmanuel ,wearing Miu Miu.

More tit bows! It was officially tit bows week in Hollywood. Nathalie’s tit bow effort is even worse than Kristen’s tit bow effort because (i) her tit bows are bigger and (ii) they are attached to the sort of flock curtains you last saw in your Auntie Ethel’s room when you visited her in the home for the terminally bewildered.

Actor Andrew Scott ,wearing Azzaro.

Andrew took a horrible-coloured suit and added an even more horrible-coloured satin shirt, and then compounded those offences with a black bow tie, black shoes and a black cummerbund, as sported by 1950’s nightclub singers. And to compound the offence to the power of n, he is listing to one side like the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

Actress Francia Raisa wearing who knows what. Or why.

This is a diamond-shaped tit window. But in this case, diamonds are not a girl’s best friend. Especially as this aperture reveals a tan-line. Here is a WTF Rule. If you are going to expose your bits, make sure that they are the same colour all over, or get busy the night before with the St Tropez.

Actress Patricia Arquette, wearing Rosetta Getty.

The Golden Globes gave us Olivia Colman dressed as a Victorian postbox. Now we have Patricia dressed as a Chelsea Pensioner who lost his feet in the trenches at Passchendale.

If there is a more unflattering outfit than Patricia’s in the history of ever, WTF is glad she missed it. AND IT HAS A TRAIN!!!!!!!

Actress Sarah Hyland, wearing Philosophy di Lorenzo Serafini. Did you know that Francia Raisa gave Sarah Hyland, her best friend, one of her kidneys? Now, that is friendship.

What is not friendship is your stylist making you wear this. We have had tit bows and now we have  beaver bow.

And here is a bum bow. Bows are so versatile,

And finally, this is stand-up comic and actress Retta, wearing who can even say what this is?

What the actual fuck is this supposed to be? Who would even conceive of anything so bizarre? Retta doing stand-up probably never got such a big laugh as the one emitted by WTF on seeing this excrescence. Full marks to WTF aficionado Jen, who brilliantly identified the inspiration for this get-up as Cousin It from The Addams Family.

This week’s It’s Got To Go is from WTF aficionado Yvonne from Jedburgh who has brought this horror to our attention. It is a handbag, or purse as our American cousins would have it, with a built-in gun. The inventor is Indian designer Shyam Chaurasia from  Varanasi. He told a newspaper that

“In case the woman is in trouble or anyone tries anything and she is not carrying a mobile phone, she can press a button on the lipstick gun which is linked to Bluetooth and it will immediately make a call to the 112 emergency number and share her location with the emergency service, so the police can arrive to help her. Meanwhile, before the police arrive, the lipstick will also fire a [blank round] bullet and alert the public who can come to help her.”

Sadly in India, violence against women is rife, but is this really the answer? On reading Yvonne’s tweet, WTF aficionado Ruth-Anne asked “Can they not just educate men to NOT ATTACK WOMEN?” Indeed. It’s Got To Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. It is nice to be back. Keep sending in your comments, which will bring cheer to WTF in these dark times, and please don’t forget your super suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x