wtffashionshark

Hallo Readers,

Game of Thrones came to an end this week but there is no need for fretting and withdrawal symptoms! Welcome to a thrilling new story, Shame of Thrones, a tale of political machinations set in the mythical kingdom of Westminsteros. In SoT, Theresas used to command the loyalty of her troops, the Sullied and the Stupid, who supported her sworn mission to break the wheel and to free Westminsteros from the yoke of slavery imposed by the rulers of Euros, the evil twins Ser Claude and Ser Guy, who have kept Westminsteros under their thumbs for decades. But Theresas has proved to be a disappointment and Westminsteros still labours under Euros’ rule, as a result of which, yokels and yobboes various have become increasingly frustrated at her hapless failures and broken promises. Theresas’ claim to the Iron Throne has become more and more hopeless, and rebellion is in the air; she has already been forced to do a walk of shame down Whitehall, naked as the day she was born, whilst pelted with milkshakes and rotten eggs, and has also had to beg Ser Guy and Ser Donald for more time to make proposals for Westminsteros’ independence, and to come up with the readies to buy its departure. Her dragons, Andrea and Esther, have now deserted her and are breathing fire all over her HQ, torching thousands of innocent citizens and stirring up apathy and anger in equal measure, and evil dwarf Sajid and the King of the Long-Gone Past, Jacob, hatch a scheme to defenestrate her. At which point, Theresas realises that the game is all over and agrees to go in June on terms which are yet to be announced at the time of writing. And the scramble for the Shame of Thrones begins anew…..

And you know what Readers? This is not fiction. If you pitched it to HBO, you would be shown the door PDQ. Hordes of GoT fans spent this week bitching that the ending wasn’t good enough, and that they had wasted hours of their life for nothing (as if they would otherwise have been occupied finding a cure for cancer, or writing a symphony, or something), but had you served them up this scenario, they would be out burning Westminsteros to the ground. Almost three years after the Referendum, we are the joke keeping Euros, sorry, Europe laughing. WTF is reminded of the scene from the original Trainspotting, when Renton, the Ewan McGregor character, rants that “It’s Shite Being Scottish. We’re the lowest of the low”. Try being a Brit today, Renton. At least you could escape occasionally with an armful of heroin. We, on the other hand, have to watch helplessly as the Westminsteros politicians continue to bitch, backstab, and make a total ballsup of the whole Brexit exercise. As a result, the European Elections, which took place in the UK yesterday, will probably be a cakewalk for Nigel Farage and his vile Brexit party, and quite a success for the Lib Dems, both of whom at least have actual, clear-cut, positions. What the hell Labour and the Tories believe, or want to do, or how they propose going about it, no one knows, and, sadly, fewer now care. And why Theresas wants to stay on for even another half an hour is a mystery. She is now despised on all sides, apart from her loyal husband Ser Philip of May and Larry the Downing Street Cat, and even Larry’s position is under review. If she were to leave sooner rather than later, at least she can avoid having to spend any time hobnobbing with Donald Trump, who arrives, with his whole disgusting family, for a proper State visit in the first week of June. And if that isn’t an incentive to call Pickfords and start packing up the china, WTF does not know what is.

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We start our review of the week’s fashion farragoes with Georgian-Greek singer Tamta, representing Cyprus in the Eurovision Song “Contest”, wearing a most extraordinary ensemble.

Here we have the carapace of a black beetle wrapped around a Minge Chandelier. Appalling. As was the whole evening. The UK would not even win it if no one else entered. It is time for a boycott on the grounds of political prejudice and rigged voting, never mind anything else.

To the Royal Wedding last Saturday of Lady Gabriella Windsor (what do you mean, who?) and some toff. Bizarrely, Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York, scraped onto the guest list, wearing something whose designer is unknown. Good call.

Without the Mark of Zorro capelet, the dress would not be too bad, but honesty compels WTF to note that Fergie needs to take a size up. At least one size, and maybe two.

Here is actor Cody Fern in Australia at the premiere of America Horror Story: Apocalypse, wearing Maison Margiela.

This is a French Horror Story. WTF hates VNA (Visible Nipple Activity) almost above all things, whether they are male nipples or female nipples. WTF does not want to see Cody’s nipples, and she is willing to bet a few quid that many others share that view. And he is wearing those foul Margiela Tabi boots. Enough already with the camel-toe boots.

To the continuing nonsense of the Cannes Film Festival and actress Deepika Padukone, wearing Giambattista Valli Haute Couture.

It may be Giambattista Valli Haute Couture, but it is essentially a giant lime green shower puff worn with a swimming cap. Good sandals though.

More bath-time fluffiness with Ukrainian model Alina Baikova, wearing Zuhair Murad Couture.

This is even worse than Deepika’s green dress, because it has a ridiculous bodice and a mullet skirt. She looks like a over-coiffed, blue-rinsed poodle.

Next up, we have distinguished French actress Isabelle Adjani, wearing Alexandre Vauthier and a stupid straw hat.

If a village idiot went to a fancy dress party as Jane Austen, this is what he would look like.

Here is French singer Kiddy Smile, wearing Nicholas Lecourt Mansion.

Kiddy, né Pierre Edouard Hanffou, is wearing an unforgivable floral dress with fluted shoulders and a large triangular tit window, and he has dyed his head orange to match. There is not enough brain bleach in the world to disperse this image.

Still at Cannes, but off the Red Carpet, we have American actress Eva Longoria wearing Atelier Zuhra. She was there in her capacity as a L’Oréal Ambassador. Whatever that may be.

Eva looks like the love child of an Art Nouveau lamp and an Iguana.

Finally, we have Orange Is The New Black actress Dascha Polanco wearing Philipp Plein. This one is going straight into the nominations for the WTF Summer Stinker 2019, together with Monsieur Kiddy.

This is a circus clown outfit worn with a Flamenco frock. All that is missing is a red nose and bow tie that squirts water in your eye.

This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado The Justified Sinner, who has taken great exception to the amount of silly high street fashion on offer, including this preposterous crop top sold by ASOS.

This is basically a child’s vest worn by an adult with good abs. Just imagine if it catches on and flabby flotsam start walking around Luton Airport like this? It doesn’t bear thinking about and It’s Got to Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Please send in your comments, and don’t forget your utterly splendid suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x