Last weekend, whilst Texas was beset by Hurricane Harvey and then a flood and all things biblical, whilst Texans watched their homes ruined and their possessions bobbing around the living room, whilst brave citizens climbed into dinghies and rowing boats and air boats to rescue their neighbours and their neighbours’ pets, whilst people died, the President of the United States was looking out for them. We know this because he took to Twitter regularly to tell us so. He seemed particularly excited about Harvey’s ferocity and the extent of the subsequent flood, gurgling with excitement like a schoolboy finally allowed to ride the meanest roller coaster ever. And he let us know that as well, tweeting comments of the “Ooh that’s bigly” variety in a fit of digital incontinence, the rectal equivalent of which would compel you to alert the Public Health Authorities. WTF found herself regretting that so many of the Carry On movies were dead because Carry On President would have them rolling in the aisles, Kenneth Williams as the hapless orange POTUS, Charles Hawtree as his sanctimonious Vice-President, Joan Sims as FLOTUS and Sid James as Chuck Schumer. Mitch McConnell could be played by a CGI tortoise. And the double-entendres would be just glorious as the elements did their worst. “Oh it’s the biggest one ever!”, “Hang on love, I’m coming!” and “Just hold on to my rudder.” Ooh Matron!
To cheer up the soaked, homeless Texans, the President continued his “Cor what a whopper” communications all weekend, as if taking personal credit for such historic carnage, interspersed with plugs for a book by a dodgy sheriff, a pardon for an even dodgier, racist sheriff, an attack on NAFTA, calls for the Mexican wall to be built immediately at taxpayers’ expense and an announcement of his forthcoming trip to Missouri where, he told us, he won “by a lot”. There is nothing more likely to console you as you perch precariously on your roof waiting for someone, anyone, to come and save you than the knowledge that Trump did well in Missouri last year. What Trump did not say, whether in a tweet or in a press release or at all, was how sorry he was for those who had died or who had lost friends or family, for the policeman who went to work to help others and drowned, for those who had no insurance and whose lives are ruined. Nothing. Nada. But hey! He won Missouri. By a lot.
Even when he eventually appeared in Austin which, unlike Houston, did not flood, he still offered no sympathy, gave no succour. Instead he crowed at the size of the crowd “What a turnout!” and modelled a baseball cap on sale for $40 on his re-election website. He later tweeted that he had seen the “horror & devastation at first hand”, when the nearest he got to running water was the bathroom on Air Force One. It was Wednesday in Missouri (which he won by a lot) when he read teleprompted expressions of sorrow for the dead and bereaved and Thursday to pledge $1m of his own money but only after celebrities and businesses got there first. This monstrous man has no soul, no empathy, no humanity, someone who uses a disaster to flog caps and boost his ego, someone who wants to cut taxes for billionaires whilst Texas lies devastated. The flood is a fitting metaphor for his Presidency – toxic and out of his depth. Bob Mueller – get a bloody move on.
This week’s review of fashion flops features the stars who walked the Red Carpet at the Video Music Awards, the VMAs, in California. America needed a laugh this week and this lot certainly obliged. We start with hip hop artiste Cardi B who wore something horrible to the VMAs with conical tits and a cape but not nearly as horrible as the thing she wore to the Mayweather – McGregor fight party the night before.
This is ugly, with a faux-cardi (sorry) and encrusted minge. If Yogi Bear went to a fancy dress party dressed as a pole dancer, this is what he would look like.
To the VMAs themselves, starting with Joe Jonas wearing Dsquared.
He looks like an extra in one of those scenes in the sleazy Cuban nightclub in The Godfather 2. That moustache is an It’s Got to Go all on its own.
Actress Vanessa Hudgens, wearing Yanina Couture
Vanessa is wearing the lovechild of a lampshade and a crinoline.
Professional videographer and “life liver” (no, WTF does not know what means), Rory Kramer.
Pillock. That is the mot juste. Pillock. He is ready to serve up burgers in a drive thru’. He has ill-matching sneakers and silly hair. Pillock.
Model and actress, Paris Jackson (daughter of Michael), wearing Dior.
Those J’Adior panties and bra are more ubiquitous than body odour on a rush hour tube train and twice as nasty. They are not improved by nestling beneath a whimsical wisp of fabric adorned with tarot cards like Mystic Meg meets Mata Hari.
Harry Potter the boy wizard in a Gucci couture cloak and woman’s blouse. It has now reached the point with Jared where a slap is the only response of all right-thinking people.
Singer Kesha, wearing Monsoori.
Kesha is dressed as a loo roll doll. That is bad enough but something very peculiar is happening in the chest area, like fluffy bunnies’ ears.
Rapper Nicki Minaj, wearing Vex Latex.
Barbie has a bad case of camel toe. Call for the Canesten!
Jeremy is a gilded space-cowboy whilst Jasmine has come dressed as Raquel Welch in One Million Years BC.
Alternative hip hop artiste (no, WTF does not know what that is either), Lizzo.
Lizzo’s dress says “Truth Hurts”. You took the words right out of my mouth, love….
Finally, former model and current TV presenter Heidi Klum, wearing Peter Dundas.
This is Heidi true to form, namely titsy, tawdry and tacky. The crotch cover is particularly offensive, like a crocheted coaster.
This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Ben from Bromley, who is spooked by people unnecessarily invading his personal space in public. Only this week Ben was walking to the station to catch his morning train when he noticed a man walking in parallel step, as if choreographed on Strictly Come Dancing. Ben sped up only to find, to his intense annoyance, that the man similarly sped up and kept in step. Luckily Ben managed to dodge him on the train but the man doubtless did it to someone else at Moorgate. WTF would add that her pet hate on public transport is when she is reading her paper or her iPad only to find other people reading it as well. It’s Got To Go.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Please keep those comments coming in as they make WTF feel cheery and please keep sending your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Meanwhile spread the word to your friends and relations to embrace the blog. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x