wtffashionshark

Hallo Readers,

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. (WTF always thought that it was giveth and taketh but apparently this is not so although it sounds better). In this case, the Lord in question is Lord Hall, the Director-General of the BBC. This week there has been a lot of giving and taking. For a start, the Lord Hall has given us a female Doctor Who and taken away the male ones, whereupon there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. All over the country distraught men rent their garments and bemoaned a further assault upon their manhood by lefties, feminists, lesbians and harridans in all their various combinations. How unrealistic for a woman – a WOMAN – to portray a time-traveller in a Tardis who has already changed bodies and personalities a dozen times and who fights metal monsters on coasters. Will this Doctor get all moody when she is on the rag? Will she cry when confronted with Silence? And since women have no idea about mechanics, how will she manage to wield the sonic screwdriver? Will she have to reach for a tampon instead? WTF particularly liked the cretin who demanded “what next – a male Lady Macbeth?”, unaware that actresses were not really a thing until the Restoration and all Shakespearian roles were originally played by men. Heaven knows how these champions of Dr Dick survived Dame Edna Everage. Not to mention Melissa McCarthy as Sean Spicer.

Back at the BBC, there was more giving and taking away. On Wednesday the Lord Hall disclosed the “stars” earning over £150,000, of whom only a third were women. The top seven were all chaps, most of whom you would not watch if you were chained to a radiator. Like Chris Evans who is as funny as a bad attack of haemorrhoids and who crashed Top Gear into the wall in one series. Like perma-tanned Gary Lineker who is paid £1.7m a year to make putrid puns and say things like “Alan, you’ve been impressed by [insert as applicable] today”. Admittedly the whole salary structure seems random (which idiot decided to pay Tess Daly £350,000?) but even so, there are some bewildering disparities. National Treasure Claire Balding, who seems to do a lot more than Lineker, is paid 90% less than he is.  Sarah Montague, who has been presenting Today on Radio 4 for 12 years, is not even on The List. The BBC Gender Pay Gap is a chasm because it works on the same principles as these things always do in public and in private employers. Men paid more because “they won’t stay unless they are paid more”, even if they have no intention of going anywhere. Men paid more because their salaries are settled by other men. Women paid less than the men they replace because they are already paid less so why pay them the same? Men paid more because women, well, you know, go off and have a baby, come back and then go off and have another baby. It’s a lifestyle choice, innit? And for all the BBC’s promises to even things up, there has never been a female Director-General. A female Doctor Who is all well and good but real life is a lot more important. Lord Hall and your overpaid managers, male and female – put on sackcloth, sit in ashes and repent mightily. Most of your humiliated female presenters currently wish all ten plagues upon you. Stop splashing public money around and what you do splash, splash more equitably. Here endeth the lesson.

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To the week’s sartorial shockers with actor Paul Bettany wearing a most ridiculous suit.

This is what Steve McQueen would have looked like had he slept in his car for a fortnight. What on earth is going on with that collar? And the shirt? And the trousers? And the shoes? Yurgle.

And this is lovely actress Charlize Theron, wearing Dior.

WTF has been fulminating about J’Adior undies for some time because they are a rip-off perpetrated upon the paying public. Charlize is actually paid to wear them (and the slip pretending to be a skirt) but that is absolutely no excuse.  

Next up is singer (and now actor) Harry Styles, wearing Calvin Klein.

Yee haw! Trousers pretending to be  cowboy boots. Is Harry were auditioning  for a remake of Los 3 Amigos?

We go to the ESPYS, the American Sports Awards, where we encounter NBA player Mike Conley Jr of the Memphis Grizzlies and his wife Mary Peluso.

WTF hopes that it was not windy outside or Mary would have been whipped to death by her tassels. As for Mike, this outfit is certainly grizzly, a veritable tribute to 1960s wallpaper.

And here is American footballer Odell Beckham Jr. wearing Louis Vuitton v Supreme and actress Dove Cameron, wearing Marc Jacobs.

Dove looks fine but the same cannot be said for Odell. First, something seems to have died on his head. Second, WTF hates a shorts suit almost above all things and hates a white tuxedo shorts suit worn with a teeshirt even more than that. Why is a grown man and successful sportsman dressed like the kid who parks your car at a Trump golfing resort?

More 20th Century horror, as worn by singer and reality show judge Rita Ora in Chloe. Only she has gone from the 1960s to the 1970s. And turned into a JLo lookalikey en route.

For some reason, the 1970s were ablaze with brown and orange, like the dying days of Autumn. It was everywhere, both on people (WTF had a brown Afghan coat with orange embroidery which, when it rained, stank like a decomposing skunk) and as decor. Rita has gone full period costume in this migraine-inducing horror together with haystack hair and silly sunglasses. On reflection, she is not so much JLo as Dayglo and looks positively radioactive.

And now we are in the 1980’s with TOWIE’s Gemma Collins wearing Gerda Trubon.

This may actually be one of the worst dresses WTF has ever seen. Did she borrow Odell Beckham Jnr’s footballing shoulder pads? Ludicrous.

And finally, she is back. And when you see her, you will know why. WTF speaks of Kim Kardashian West, wearing vintage Helmut Lang and sandals by Yeezy, her husband’s clothing line.

You know those plastic bags covering your dry-cleaning? Kim is wearing one of those together with white panties and bare boobs. Here is WTF’s question. Why bother with the bag at all? Just wear the coat and panties. Save the planet.

This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionados Leslie from North London and Nick from South London, who have submitted a joint complaint. Here it is. “People walking down the street glued to their ‘phones and causing a mobile obstruction. Their mates who have headphones on and scream into a piece of attached wire. The look of wounded indignation they give you when you trip them up. The high decibel count of their conversation. And the sheer tedium of the content. If you must insist on the world hearing your business, at least make it interesting, make something up, let people think you are a MI5 operative or a top Hollywood producer, instead of just heralding the news that you are having salad and cold cuts for your tea!” WTF agrees and has nothing to add save that It’s Got To Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Please keep those comments coming in as they make WTF more cheery than a cheery thing feeling cheery. And of course,  your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go.  WTF is to enjoy the loveliness of Cornwall and Gloucestershire for the next fortnight. Normal (?!?!?) service will be resumed on Friday 11 August 2017. Be good x