It has been the sort of week that made WTF want to poke out her eyes with chopsticks before setting about her ears with a rusty knife. Yes, losing one ear was good enough for Van Gogh but that would still leave WTF with another one to catch the relentless flow of rubbish, mendacity and ignorance emanating from across the Atlantic. Drastic action is required.
The Trump regime goes from bad to worse to bloody unbelievable. Last Sunday saw us subjected to dead-eyed automaton Stephen Miller, Trump’s Senior Advisor and the love child of Frankenstein and Elena Ceausescu, who appeared on virtually every US political programme to indoctrinate the masses with his shouty bullshit. “It is a fact – and you will not deny it – that there are massive numbers of non-citizens in this country who are registered to vote”. Except that it is not a fact and no one has ever adduced any evidence of it being a fact, save to assert that it is a fact, which does not make it a fact. Not even at all. By the way, the purpose of this is to explain why Trump lost New Hampshire. And listen to this one. “Our opponents, the media, and the whole world will soon see as we begin to take further actions, that the powers of the President to protect our country are very substantial and will not be questioned”. Forget the Constitution. Forget the Courts. Kim Don-Un will not be questioned.
The Glorious Leader spent the week tweeting about the dishonest Media which had forced the departure of his former defence advisor who, depending on who you asked and what day you asked about it, either insisted on resigning, was asked to resign or was fired. General Flynn, who makes Robert Duvall in Apocalypse Now look like Gandhi, had spoken to Moscow about lifting Obama’s sanctions on Russia even before Kim Don-Un became President. Not that Flynn had done anything wrong, you understand; he had just forgotten to mention it to the Vice-President, you know, even though the Vice President was appearing on TV and telling everyone that discussions with Moscow never took place. Even on his own story, the Attorney-General brought this matter to the Presidential attention in January but the President didn’t tell the Vice President either. Maybe he should sack himself. The Intelligence Services were also excoriated for leaking classified information, which simultaneously was also Fake News. So the information was Fake and True and Classified but Flynn was only dismissed when the Media got hold of the story. I trust that’s clear.
Yesterday saw a Press Conference which was, without question, the maddest thing ever in the history of ever. Having deplored Fake News, The Glorious Leader spread some of his own, namely that he had got the highest number of electoral college votes since Reagan. When it was pointed out to him that Obama had got more, he said he meant Republican Presidents. When he was then told that George H Bush had got more, he said he was just repeating the information given to him and he had also seen it somewhere. (Probably in his dreams, together with the 1.5 million people at his inauguration and the illegals pouring into New Hampshire to vote for Clinton). He batted away questions about his staff’s dealings with Russia as “a ruse” and insisted that the only thing Flynn had done wrong was in not telling the Vice President. “I’ve watched various programs and I’ve read various articles where he was just doing his job.” He also explained “You know what uranium is? It’s this thing called nuclear weapons, and other things, like lots of things are done with uranium, including some bad things”. Doubtless this came as a surprise to those who thought uranium was a good thing. Thank goodness he warned us.
In other news, his travel ban (not that it was ban) had a smooth roll-out and his administration, the one that is leaking like a leaky sieve with extra leaks and currently subject to a court injunction, is “running like a fine tuned machine”. Frankly, the only fine tuned machine he should be thinking about is an ambulance speeding him to a secluded spot where the Nation’s top psychiatrists, psychotherapists and behavioural psychologists can try and figure out what the fuck he was talking about. Until then, it is all aboard the fast canoe to shit creek. Don’t bring your paddle.
We absolutely need cheering up. Let us turn to a Baker’s Dozen of the week’s worst sartorial shite, starting at the BAFTAS with actress Anya Taylor-Joy, wearing Gucci.
Sorry, Anna. This is just a glorified loo-roll cover with added whimsy.
This is French singer Heloise Letissier aka Christine And the Queens, wearing Lanvin.
Inspired by a stick of liquorice, tailored by Charlie Chaplin, a shirt that shrank in the wash and a train with a concentration camp print. Worn with army boots. Lanvin is taking the piss. In fact, there is more piss than in a pub pissoir at closing time.
Next up is Irish actress Caitriona Balfe, wearing Valentino.
WTF does not even know what this is. It seems to be a patchwork of randomly – coloured thermal vests worn over a pleated sweet wrapper. Valentino? Really?
To the Grammys, where horror was in great abundance. We begin with singer Nicole Scherzinger at a pre-Grammys party, wearing Minge Maestro Michael Costello.
She looks as though someone ran her over with a truck. Get that Northern Irish bloke from Silent Witness onto those tyre marks!
The colour is good but this is just an oversized tracksuit with tit tape. The buttons have fallen off the jacket, the camisole was never on in the first place and the trousers belong to Giant Haystacks.
Meet actress Rose McGowan and her boyfriend Boots.
Boots looks like a poodle with distemper and he would be well advised to invest in a comb. Rose has come straight from an S&M party and someone seems to have thrown a pot of gold paint over her hair.
Meet musician and producer George Clinton, pictured with Carlon Thompson-Clinton (who looks good).
First question. Why he is wearing a bathrobe? Second question. What on earth is that thing on his head?
On closer inspection, it appears to be a metallic chauffeur’s cap with spikes. Is it for head-butting parking attendants when they hove into view?
Of course Lady Gaga was there, wearing a jacket and shorts by Alex Ulichny.
WTF uses the word “wearing” loosely. There is cropped, there is bolero and there is tit-baring. Meanwhile, the boots are positively death-defying. It would be safer trying to walk a high wire between skyscrapers….
Younger Readers, those shiny things on her dress are called CDs, which is how we used to listen to music before iTunes. Jacqueline is a mouldy CD Pixie, complete with wings and green hair.
Now we have Australian model Nicole Trunfio, wearing Zuhair Murad.
Zuhair Murad has dressed Nicole in a puce muff ruff, putting onlookers in fear of an imminent minge moment.
And here is another serial offender, Joy Villa, also wearing Andre Soriano.
Last year Joy came dressed as a fence. This year, she is not sitting on it.
Joy wants us to “see [Trump] over the politics”, which appears to be her justification for dressing as an Alt-Right wet dream.
Next up is singer Girl Crush, who describes herself as “LA’s newest pop tart”.
Never mind tart, she looks like a mermaid popping out of a cupcake.
And there is more, like singer CeeLo Green.
It later emerged that CeeLo was wearing a costume for his new alter ego, Gnarly Davidson. WTF can only observe that if his intention was to look like a knob, he more than succeeded.
Finally, artfully combining the Grammys and It’s Got To Go, this is rapper Lil Yachty and his $35,000 jewelled teeth commissioned specially for the occasion.
There is no nice way to say this. He looks like a twat with more money than sense. $35,000 on jewelled teeth? They resemble a mouthful of Skittles. And he is dressed like a 19th century Riverboat Gambler. He, his droopy bow tie and his teeth have all Got To Go.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Last week there were only a few comments and you know how that upsets WTF no end. Where is your humanity? Put some effort in and send in your suggestions for It’s Got To Go whilst you’re at it. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x