wtffashionshark

Hallo Readers,

WTF always thought that the marriage of thespians Johnny Depp, 52, and Amber Heard, 30, was unlikely to go the distance, but at 15 months, it came in seriously under budget. Last week, the relationship did not just hit the buffers, it exploded with the wreckage flying into the sidings. A few days after Depp’s mother died, Heard filed for divorce and then went to court to get a restraining order, sporting a large bruise on her cheekbone. She claimed Depp had assaulted her by throwing his mobile phone at her face, whilst her friend claimed that Depp had smashed the house up with a champagne bottle. Heard also asked the court to deny Depp access to their two Yorkshire terriers, Pistol and Boo, but the Judge declined. Heard now alleges that she had suffered years of physical and psychological abuse from Depp (they have been together since 2012) and is said to be asking for a divorce settlement of $20m plus $50,000 a month spousal support. As you do. Those pooches must eat a lot of doggie biscuits.

As WTF’s brother was wont to remark, opinions are like arseholes – everybody has one.  And everybody, it appears, has an opinion about Depp and Heard, despite not knowing either of them other than  through reading the papers or watching them on the Silver Screen. There is the predictable division into Team Johnny and Team Amber. Team Johnny declares that Amber is a money-grabbing cow who has made up the assault and painted on a peripatetic bruise. They maintain that Johnny is gentle and affectionate and would not hurt a fly. They assert that Amber never reported the alleged assault to the police when they attended the marital mansion and that no charges have been brought against him. And, of course, they say that because Amber is openly bisexual so clearly she only married him for his money. Team Amber counters that no-one would fake a bruise and that she has bravely spoken out about domestic violence rather than brush it under the carpet. They point out that Johnny has, in the words of WTF’s Mum (the whole family is getting a mention today), gone double, if not treble, and just sits about all day boozing and smoking dope and is generally a fat slob who is prone to violence and should maintain his battered wife. Newspapers variously  report that he likes partying and she wants a baby and that he wants a baby and she likes partying. You get the picture,

WTF has no idea who did what to whom. She is unsure that Heard is entitled to $20m or $50K a month after 15 months of marriage, even if Depp is worth £400m and sits about all day on his ever-burgeoning bum, spliffing up and strumming his guitar. On the other hand, domestic violence must be taken seriously.  Women frequently hide the fact that they are bullied or assaulted. They are ashamed. They are frightened. If you are married to a famous film star with zillions of fans, you know that you are going to be abused and derided if you go public about being hit, and that is exactly what has happened here. Depp had one of the most beautiful faces in cinema and was Capt. Sparrow in umpteen Pirates of the Caribbean movies but why would that stop him hitting his wife? Do only ugly people assault their spouses? The truth is that no one knows the truth except Depp and Heard. And you can bet a pound to a pinch of shit that if Heard were not openly bisexual, having had the guts to come out in a homophobic, sexist Hollywood, she would probably be getting a lot less abuse….

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We start our journey into sartorial shockingness at the British Soap Awards, always a rich source of fashion horror, and actress Laurie Brett aka Jane off EastEnders.

WTF gave up watching EastEnders years ago on the basis that if you want to  reduce yourself to suicidal misery, there are quicker and more pleasant ways of going about it. It is schadenfreude for the sofa-bound. Laurie’s outfit is equally as depressing. The dress with plain sleeves would have been OK. But not the puffy-wuffy things attached to it. Or the peony, pointy pumps with circulation-restricting straps, worn over opaque black tights. Or the bag. Yurgle.

And here is actress Fiona Wade, aka Priya off Emmerdale, wearing Zeynap Kartal.

Now this is proper Soap Star dressing – i.e.  tawdry, tacky, loads of leg and no actual skirt. Zeynap specialises in dressing soapy stars in this sort of tat and has excelled herself in this instance. WTF also deplores Fiona’s cottage loaf coiffure.

This is actress Paula Patton, formerly Mrs Robin Thicke, wearing Maria Lucia Hohan.

This is essentially a pleated apron with embossed breastplate and it is ranker than a rugby player’s jockstrap.

We now encounter model and fashionista Alexa Chung, wearing Dior at a Dior Fashion show at Blenheim Palace.

Four years ago WTF asked what is the point of Alexa Chung? She is still waiting for an answer. On this showing, it is also worth asking what is the point of Dior? The skirt is pretty, but the lurex Minnie Mouse-eared top over a long sleeved teeshirt is not and Alexa’s little pipecleaner legs look ridiculous in those hobnailed boots.

And this is “TV personality” Alesha Dixon, one of the judges on Britain’s Got Talent, wearing Idan Cohen at the Final last Saturday.

Readers will recall that Alesha’s co-judge Amanda Holden was last week’s It’s Got To Go for the joint offences of having no talent and wearing a succession of ever-smaller dresses before the 9 pm watershed. At last Saturday’s Final, Amanda turned up in a wedding dress so voluminous that they must have widened the door to get her into the studio. Alesha wore this spangled nappy with chiffon crotch-and-arse cover, just to show the audience that she too can flash her bits. WTF does not consider that either woman is advancing the case for emancipation. Oh – and that hair is just terribly, terribly, terrible, as if an open paint pot  had fallen randomly onto her head.

Pray be upstanding for their Royal Highnesses Princess Beatrice, wearing Burberry and Princess Eugenie, wearing Alice and Olivia. They are doing their stuff at the Buckingham Palace Garden Party, whatever their stuff actually comprises….

Look, it is hard to look good in a stupid hat and the York girls have the monopoly on stupid hats. Beatrice’s dress is frumpy, her hair hangs about aimlessly and WTF is sorry to observe that she looks like Prince Andrew in drag. Eugenie’s outfit is fun but her hat looks like a squashed tomato with spores growing out of it. Why should young women have to dress in this ridiculous throwback to the 1950’s? And the same goes for her Holiness The Duchess of Cambridge. Why can’t they just dress normally? Why do they need to wear these bloody hats?

And finally we have Swedish singer Robyn wearing who knows what…

Someone forgot to shorten the sleeves. WTF tried to remember when she last saw a more preposterous outfit and then gave up. What in the name of all that is Holy is going on here? She looks like a demented psychedelic tiger that just finished snacking on a Valentine. Grrrrr…….

This week’s It’s Got To Go features poncy, overpriced tea served in fashionable cafés for £2 80 a cup. This has got to be the world’s biggest rip-off EVER. You take a tea bag, place it in a cup or little pot, pour boiling water over it and serve it at a markup of 1000%. And morons pay it. At least when you buy your artisanal, hand-crafted, Free-Trade coffee, some effort goes into making it. More effort than pouring boiling water into a bloody cup. It’s Got To Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. WTF loves your comments so keep them coming, as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go which have been totally tops. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good  x