wtffashionshark

Hallo Readers,

This week brings you another story of young men and women behaving badly. You may recall that a few weeks ago, six oiks on a stag party were forcibly removed from a Ryanair flight which had been diverted to Berlin. They were ferociously pissed. They effed and blinded and two resorted to fisticuffs. One stripped off and waggled his willy like a helicopter. Everyone, WTF included, was appalled. Fast forward now to the Cheltenham Festival in the glorious Cotswolds, where horsey types gather for a week’s racing. Up on an exclusive balcony are a bunch of male footballers and female “reality stars”. (The term “reality star” is an oxymoron, like “Arsenal striker”). Be that howsoever it may be, drink was taken and one of the players, MK Don’s Samir Carruthers, was captured on camera urinating into a glass. His mate, Northampton Town’s Jamie Collins, followed into another glass before emptying its contents over the railings onto the ground below – which was also captured on camera. In medieval times, when there was no indoor plumbing, citizens would empty their waste buckets into the street with the shout of “Gardyloo”, derived from the French “garde a l’eau” or “mind the water” Jamie gave no such warning and who knows who was walking underneath… probably the same photographers who caught a glimpse of the “reality stars” exposing their nipples. That, sadly, is the reality of what reality stars do.

Both men apologised. Samir, who also should have apologised for wearing a stupid baker’s boy cap, said “It’s not something that should be laughed about [and] it’s not an example that I should be giving to kids either. I’m meant to be a role model.” Now WTF has never had the pleasure of visiting Milton Keynes and does not wish to offend its citizens. However, she would probably be safe in suggesting that MK Dons is a big deal locally and Samir is a household name there rather than just in his own household. Ditto James in Northampton. But a role model? Really? Why would any thick-as-double-dogshit footballer, whether he plays for MK Dons or Manchester United, Northampton or Norwich, be a role model? What roles are they modelling? Earning a fortune for a few hours work? (Even Samir earns £2K a week). Rolling around feigning injury in games as if both legs have been broken, only to spring up seconds later and run around like a spring chicken? Driving flashy and stupidly expensive cars? Wearing silly clothes? Screwing all manner of willing females? The lifestyle may be an aspiration to others, not to mention the jiggy-jiggy on tap. Their footballing skills prompt joy and despair in equal measure. They may even get lucrative advertising contracts for hair products and deodorant. But that does not make them role models. That makes them marketable.  “Role model” is a term invented by the tabloids to justify running salacious stories about celebrities’ nether regions, whether micturating or making the beast with two backs. It is a myth. Meanwhile, if any racecourse ever admits Samir and Jamie, (Cheltenham has banned them) they would be well-advised either to drink less or to wear incontinence pants. Or both.

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We start our review of Red Carpet rubbish with Kanye West’s former paramour Amber Rose. Brace yourselves….

Yurgle. She probably needed two limos, one for the tits and one for the rest of her. The halter-neck harness has its work cut out and could do with being reinforced by a couple of steel girders. Amber gave a recent interview to Vanity Fair bemoaning the fact that she is always described as a former stripper whereas actor Channing Tatum, also a former stripper, is not. Amber, sweetie, the point is that you are a former everything…former stripper, former girlfriend, former wife. You do not actually do anything. Fact.

We are now at the White House and a State Dinner for Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. Amongst the guests were actors Ryan Reynolds, wearing Burberry (and very nice he looks) and his wife Blake Lively, wearing Ralph & Russo.

Blake is wearing a dressing gown. It is a very nice dressing gown, or would have been had someone not taken a pair of scissors to the shoulders, but it is a dressing gown nonetheless. At the White House! At a State Dinner!

Say hallo to singer Toni Braxton wearing Charbel Zoe.

Regular Readers will know that WTF hates an exposed bellybutton almost above all things and still more so where a dress has a little bellybuttonhole, the better to show it off.

Here is actor Ansel Elgort wearing Prada at the premiere of his new movie, Allegiant.

He is right to look miserable as his outfit is truly tragic. WTF has featured Ansel before and he appears to have a predilection for short, ill-fitting jackets that look like his mother has washed them at the wrong temperature. This one has a ridiculous doily sewn into the collar and a matching hankie, worn with clashing trousers and clumpy shoes, sort of Little Lord Fauntleroy gets detention. Write out “I look like a twat” 1,000 times. And then sack the stylist.

Actress Zoe Kravitz was also there, wearing Valentino. Valentino!

We have seen this fishnet nonsense before, but not from Valentino. Those hanging things appear to be rotting seaweed caught in the apertures. But WTF’s chief fascination is with that thing on Zoe’s head, like an elephant turd when it has binged out on twigs and branches.

We now consider the insufferable Gwyneth Paltrow wearing Emilia Wickstead. 

Gwynnie has an enviable figure but this body and matching trousers are, ahem, unflattering, as the side view demonstrates. (She is taking to Rosie Huntingdon-Whiteley, who looks nice).

Has Gwynnie come dressed as an gynaecological Easter bunny? Or is she going fencing? The body under the trousers makes her look as if she is wearing a nappy  and the trousers are 6 inches too long and designed for someone on stilts.

We now encounter a newcomer to these pages, actress Rebecca Olejniczak at the 5th Annual Lany Entertainment Mixer in St Felix, Hollywood.

There needs to be more dress and less Rebecca. And she seems to have overdone it in the sunshine so that her chest is redder than a Santa Monica sunset. Were she to wear this again, it would be a good idea NOT TO BEND OVER OR MOVE HER ARMS ABOUT for fear of spilth.

Finally, it is Jennifer Lopez, again, this time wearing Faustino Puglisi for an episode on American Idol. Isn’t that supposed to be a family show?

You know when people say “there’s no side to her?” In Jennifer’s case, this turns out to be wholly true.

Or should that be holey true? Anna dello Russo pitched up at Paris Fashion Week in 2012 wearing something very similar by the same designer and he is still churning out the same design four years on, basically a romper with a small amount of badly hemmed skirt and a double helping of tit and torso. It is time for both Faustino and Jennifer to move on. Preferably out of sight.

This week’s It’s Got to Go is Brooklyn Beckham. the eldest son of David and Victoria Beckham. He is bloody everywhere. Apparently, he is already A list. He has modelled for Burberry. He got a gig as a photographer on a magazine shoot. Stories of girlfriends, or whether he might have one, or have finished with one, fill columns. And the thing is, he is 17 without discernible talent and who is famous because his parents are. He has only just got rid of his bum fluff. Come back when you have actually achieved something for yourself.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments rolling in, which WTF loves more than anything, and do not neglect your most excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x