The scenic county of Shropshire is the Land that Time Forgot and Telford is the Constituency that Shropshire Never Bothered to Remember, a collection of a few former industrial towns and a bit of the Ironbridge Gorge with some 65,000 electors. In May this year, they voted in a Tory MP, Cameron Cutie Lucy Allan. Allan is married to a stockbroker and lives in leafy Wandsworth in South West London, doubtless with a charming pied-à-campagne somewhere in Shropshire subsidised by the taxpayers. Allan had already courted controversy in April when she gave her support to a local Tory Council candidate, Connor Furnival, whom the Daily Mirror had fingered for assaulting his former partner. Furnival pleaded guilty to assault but Allan could not see what the fuss was about, tweeting “Why is a young working lad shoving his girlfriend national news?” Despite this, the electors returned Allan as their representative with a whopping majority of 730 votes.
Scroll forward to December when Allan trooped through the lobby in support of the motion to bomb IS. Like many others on both sides of the House, Allan then received messages from her constituents expressing their disapprobation, including an email from bearded, ginger Adam Watling, 27, writing under the pseudonym Rusty Shackleford. Allan then took to Facebook and wrote as follows:
Those words suggested that Rusty had either, at best, wished her ill or, at worst, threatened to do her in and Rusty was in great indignation at this on the entirely reasonable grounds that he had never written those last three words and produced his original email to prove it. So what did Allan do? Did she apologise? Of course not. She maintained that she had posted “comments actually posted to me on the same day, though not in the same email. Comments were added to the post as they came in. I posted them to show examples of unacceptable online abuse that comes in most days and which most people tolerate in silence”.
Now Allan has a Masters degree in employment law. There is a legal term for her explanation. It is called “bollocks”. You do not have to be Lady Hale to understand that if you write, “This is from Rusty from Dawley”, it means that the contents that follow are from Rusty from Dawley, not from Rusty from Dawley and A N Other from some other Godforsaken place. Making up your own death threats is political Munchhausen’s Syndrome, showing contempt for her own constituents and contempt for the truth. Allan has never produced the email from A N Other which used the phrase “unless you die” and has since taken herself off all social media in an attempt to avoid further examples of “unacceptable online abuse”, save that in her case it is impossible to be abusive enough.
So far only the Mail Online, the local BBC, The Independent and LBC’s excellent James O’Brien have picked up on the story, although it caused a Twitterstorm. Why has it been buried? Had Allan been a Corbynista, we would never have heard the end of it. Or are we so used to MPs lying to us that it is simply considered not to be a story? Tory HQ is busy trying to keep Lord Feldman afloat but when someone next draws up a schedule for mucking out the Augean stables, he or she might assign time to clean up after Allan because she clearly has absolutely no intention of cleaning up after herself.
We start our foray into the fashion farmyard with Katie Price promoting her new app Katie Price Official which, we are told, gives access to every area of her life.
WTF feels compelled to enquire whether there is any part of Katie’s life which is unknown to any bugger between here and Botswana and if there is, what can it be other than her preferred choice of tampon? At least the App is free. Katie, on the other hand, just looks cheap, the school swot at McTrinians. She is a ghastly woman and it would be really nice if she just went away.
Next we meet Bryshere Y Gray, aka rapper Yazz the Greatest. He also stars in Empire.
WTF is all for recycling so Bryshere is to be congratulated for finding a use for all those discarded Ferrero Rocher wrappers. And his trousers seem to have fallen out with his ankles.
Here is Amal Clooney wearing vintage Lanvin.
This is the same stuff as those foil blankets they throw over you when you collapse at the side of the road half way through a marathon, just after you have been overtaken by an octogenarian and two fat boys dressed as a cake. Just because it is vintage does not mean that it is nice. Fact.
This is Oscar nominee, young actress Hailee Steinfeld wearing a Yeezus crop top and John Paul Ataker lace trousers.
Keen Readers will be aware that WTF hates lace trousers almost above all things and they seem to be proliferating. Last week we had Myleene Klass flashing her arse in some and now Hailee is wearing what looks like shorts sewn into a net curtain and teamed with a crop top from Kanye West’s fashion label. Kanye is to fashion what Kim is to fashion – only very distantly related. Still Hailee has a terrific midriff and gets brownie points for not showing her bellybutton.
Now we have actress Jenna Dewan Tatum, wife of The Horrible Eight star Channing Tatum, wearing Marchesa at its Hollywood premiere.
There has long been a tradition of women stealing the limelight at their partner’s premieres by turning up with their undies on view. Sometimes, they are not wearing undies at all. This dress ticks virtually every WTF hate box – sheer, bondage, large panties. That is a lot of ticks. A veritable tickfest.
Here is one of our regulars, buxom beauty Mariah Carey. WTF does not know what Mariah is wearing but she does know she wishes she wasn’t wearing it.
This is a very ridiculous look. Rosie Huntingdon-Whiteley could probably get away with this leather-trousers-and-corset combo but Mariah is not Rosie. Leather trousers are very unforgiving to thicker thighs and sadly Mariah’s resemble a couple of jumbo-sized bratwurst on sale at a Cologne Christmas Market. But what is really offensive here are the tights underneath the leather trousers. She must be roasting. Mariah! Watch out for that Beastie Yeastie!
Finally we have a newcomer, Bollywood actress Sofia Hayat who attended the London premiere of The Danish Girl in boobacious latex.
Blimey. She looks scary. You would pay some Madame dressed like this a lot of money to whip you into unconscious delirium and you would still be rubbing cream into the weals weeks later. Those tits are like a couple of hillocks covered in Batman logos for a Batman convention. Those tits are OUTRAGEOUS.
Readers are unanimous about this week’s It’s Got To Go. Donald Trump. A bigot with a bad combover. Racist. Sexist. Everything-ist. And the trouble is, there are a lot of people in the USA who agree with him. He’s Got to Go.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. The wonderful Andrew Purcell left a top comment last week but he was the only one! You really don’t want WTF to go into decline do you? Have sympathy for her friends and relations. Meanwhile, keep sending your splendid suggestions for It’s Got To Go and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x