OK Country. You voted Tory and gave Dave a majority, albeit a small one. You humiliated Labour and did even worse to the Lib Dems and now their Leaders have both gone, dwindling into a life of TV punditry, unreadable memoirs and non-executive Directorships. (At least Ed can go back to using his main kitchen and not that poky one where the au pair knocks up a lentil casserole for the kiddies whilst Face-timing her friends back in Finland..) You nearly got rid of Nigel Farage as well but despite promising to stand down if he lost, and then losing, it seems that he is not standing down after all. (It also seems that half his party hates him, but that’s another blog). So now we wait for Dave to weave his magic. What can we expect?
It seems that Dave has plans. He has appointed Zombie-lookalikey Michael Gove to continue dismantling the legal system until only Russian oligarchs and Tory Chairman can afford to use it. Legal aid will soon be spoken of in the same breath as Liberal Democrats – extinct. The Human Rights Act will be abolished. WTF suspects that most people descrying the horror of the Act could not distinguish between the Act, the Convention (which Britain wrote in 1948), the ECHR, the CJEU and a horse’s rectum but that does not stop them attributing the nation’s woes to “Tony Blair’s Act” which, if not repealed, will undermine everything The Daily Mail holds dear. This abolition goes hand in hand with a new law to kick the shit out of anyone who does not satisfy some inchoate notion of meeting British Values, a concept that Home Secretary Teresa May was unable even to define when interviewed on Wednesday’s Today programme. However she assured John Humphrys by the time the Bill comes before the House, the draftsman will have thought of something. Not that it’s not all bad. The Government is going to put £8 billion into the NHS! Dave said they would so it must be true. Where it is going to come from is unclear but someone, somewhere, in fact a lot of someones in a lot of somewheres, will lose out. But Readers be of good cheer because we’re all in it together. We are One Nation. Dave has promised to give us a Government of Unity, despite spending the entire election campaign portraying the Scots as a mixture of the Wildings from Game of Thrones and that lot who bared their arses at the English at the end of Braveheart. As a result of which they did bare their arses at the English, electorally speaking. WTF looks forward to seeing how Dave extends the hand of friendship to our Caledonian brothers and sisters. And exactly what they tell him to do with it.
Let us turn to the week’s sartorial nastiness, starting at the premiere of Mad Max – Fury Road with a right couple of weirdos. I refer to Elvis Presley’s daughter and the former Mrs Michael Jackson, Lisa Marie Presley, with her fourth husband, musician Michael Lockwood.
We have been having quite a rash of prats in hats of late and Michael is certainly a prat in his ludicrous Amish-style hat and straggly blond hair like a cross between Chris Tarrant and Alexander Godunov in Witness.
As for Lisa Marie, she is only 47 yet she looks more frozen than a Sara Lee blueberry tart.
To the BAFTA TV Awards Bash in London where we encounter former Made In Chelsea reality “star” (how sad an intro is that?) posh totty Rosie Fortescue wearing Julien Macdonald.
Julien is one of WTF’s bugbears and this is why. Quite apart from the Minge Moment that is obligatory on anything from Maison Macdonald, the outfit resembles a particularly moth-eared version of Miss Haversham’s wedding dress.
Also at the event was “actress” Jennifer Metcalfe wearing Zeynap Kartel.
This Zeynap is a pest, clothing WAGS and soap stars in shocking creations with the maximum exposure of orange flesh. The best that can be said for this ensemble is that it will ventilate her lady areas and prevent thrush. Hideous.
To Cannes and the annual fashionfest that is also supposed to be a filmfest. We start with actress Frederique Bel wearing Zuhair Murad.
A peekaboo top exposing her bully-button and a hula-hula skirt? Titsy, tacky and tawdry. Could Zuhair not try using, you know, opaque material? Just the once? He might like it…. we certainly would.
More bloody tassels, this time on the gorgeous Charlize Theron wearing Valentino.
Another fuck-up from Alexandre Vauthier (or should that be Alexandre Vulva) who designed this for Sophie Marceau.
This is what happens when you don’t sew seams into a sheet. We can only be thankful that she is wearing panties….
Here we go again. Jean Paul Gaultier continues his ridiculous half and half schtick. Today’s victim is the imperious Catherine Deneuve. The lady in blue is Emmanuelle Bercot, the director of her latest movie.
Please Lord. Just Make It Stop. This schizophrenia is just too much, an haute couture version of Two-Face from Batman. And the dress/trousers/whatever is not at all flattering.
We leave Cannes for the last picture. Be warned, this is bad. Meet “stripper, urban model and entrepreneur” Blac Chyna (née Angela White) wearing who the hell knows what but there is not enough of it. And too much of her.
Blac, 27, is the sworn enemy of the Kardashian clan because the father of her baby King Cairo, a rapper going by the name of Tyga, is now squiring Kylie Jenner, 17. It was perhaps his defection that inspired Blac to wear this hi-viz-cameltoe onesie at her birthday party, giving appalled onlookers the impression that she had slipped when crossing the road stark naked and was run over by a line-painting truck. The hair is beyond unspeakable and the tits are not so much pneumatic as preposterous.
This week’s It’s Got To Go could not be more obvious could it? Of course it has to be the unutterably ghastly Sally Bercow, estranged wife of the Speaker of the House of Commons, John Bercow. Having embarrassed her husband for years by a variety of self-aggrandising me-me-me antics, Sally had an affair with his cousin and when he returned to his wife she then gave a series of lachrymose interviews on her doorstep, bewailing her fate like Niobe, all tears. What happened to “No Comment?” Not so much washing your dirty linen in public as setting up a giant bucket and mangle in the street and then inviting the neighbours round. It’s Got To Go.
OK Readers that’s your lot for this week. Keep the comments coming in and your suggestions for It’s Got To Go and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x