wtffashionshark

Hallo Readers,

Last year WTF wrote about the Police’s penchant for making arrests in the full glare of publicity and with cameras around to record the occasion for posterity. Last week, they were at it again, this time calling at Sir Cliff Richard’s Berkshire mansion with the BBC in tow and a BBC helicopter hovering above. Regular Readers will know that WTF hates helicopters with a passion, particularly the one despatched by ABC to fly over Robin Williams’ house shortly after the announcement of his death. However, at least ABC’s helicopter was not paid for by citizens obliged to fork out £145 50 for their TV licence. And it apologised.  Sort of…

The whole thing was dodgy as hell.  Sir Cliff was not in the UK and far from home. South Yorkshire Police were investigating an alleged offence against a young man at a Billy Graham rally in Sheffield in 1985. Sir Cliff had not even been interviewed, let alone arrested or charged but the BBC led their news broadcasts with the story, displaying endless aerial shots of his acreage and pictures of cops carrying out boxes of unidentified stuff various. Hundreds of thousands of Christians were fleeing from maniacs in Iraq wanting to decapitate them. Children were dying in Gaza. But that did not compare to the non-arrest of an ageing pop star WHO HAS NEVER MARRIED nudge, nudge, wink, wink. I mean, that’s proper news isn’t it?

Well actually, no, it isn’t. The real story is the accommodation reached between the BBC and South Yorkshire Police (the Force that brought you the Hillsborough cover-up and the Battle of Orgreave where they beat the shit out of striking miners whilst pocketing fat overtime payments and then had to pay massive compensation for wrongful arrest) whereby the cops let themselves be bullied into letting the Beeb in on the raid “in return for delaying publication of any of the facts”. WTF does not know if there are any facts or what they are or whether Sir Cliff has done anything wrong but his name has been tarnished in the name of a scoop without either interview or arrest. It is not for the BBC to strike tawdry deals with the Constabulary. Should there be sufficient evidence to charge Sir Cliff, let Justice take its course. Until then, the BBC should stop behaving like a cheap tabloid and report the news, not make it. 

We move to the fashion disasters of the week, starting with actress Rosario Dawson at the premiere of Sin City – A Dame to Kill For, wearing Ermanno Scervino. 

Yikes. The dress is so tight that there is both visible nipple activity and, worse, bulging belly button. This is what Catwoman would have worn in her Catwoman boudoir. Hear me roar……

Now we have former boxer Audley Harrison, a contestant on the new season of Celebrity Big Brother, wearing this remarkable creation.

Apparently, Audley last wore this suit 10 years ago. What possessed him to regurgitate it now is unclear but then, as Proverbs 26:11 has it, as a dog returneth to its vomit so a fool returneth to his folly. As for the shoes, WTF prefers not to speak of them as they are truly shocking.

WTF hates a onesie almost above all things and here is Cara Delevigne wearing a pepperoni pizza onesie. It is by Beloved and costs $99.

The woman in the village idiot hat and ghastly jeans is a friend of Cara’s, presumably required to act as her human guide dog. The pepperoni motifs are like large suppurating wounds as if someone had set about Cara with an electric saw. Frankly, it is downright disturbing. If this does not turn you into a vegan, nothing will. Meanwhile, Cara’s one-figured gesture can best be described as uncouth, even if directed at her stylist.

This week’s It’s Got To Go is about nauseating new-speak. WTF has long hated the use of the phrases “journey”, (this week, the Daily Mail referred to someone being on “a weight loss journey”) and “community” as in “the trainspotting community”. Now there is a new nonsense – “experience” as in the announcement at the end of a recent flight “we hope you have enjoyed your Virgin Atlantic Experience”. What does it mean? Do you go to Pret A Manger and enjoy your BLT Experience? Do you go to the loo and enjoy your Micturition Experience? It’s Got To Go…..

Champion golfer Rory McIlroy turned up at Manchester United’s first game of the season (They lost. Just saying.) to show off his US Masters Trophy. But what the hell was he wearing?

This must be one of the worst suits WTF has ever seen, the felony compounded by pairing it with a blue tie, red socks and what appear to be black Hush Puppies.  Let us pray that no money changed hands because it makes him look like Mr Toad.

Jumpsuits are all the rage, it seems. WTF has a deep suspicion of jumpsuits and here are three particularly noxious examples confirming her prejudice. First up is former supermodel Tyra Banks wearing Alon Livné.

The bra beneath the perspex vizor, like on a motorcycle helmet, is perplexing. No fuck it, the whole thing is perplexing. WTF is particularly exercised about the sharp pointy thing at Tyra’s shoulder which, in her humble opinion, constitutes a dangerous weapon. You would be well advised not to nuzzle her shoulder, she could take your eye out….

And then there is the terrible Kim Kardashian wearing Chinese designer Yiqing Yin. Yes, Readers, you keep being promised that Kim has been banned from these pages but how could this be ignored? Be fair….

WTF has two questions. First, how does this stay on? And second, why is Kim’s décolletage so lopsided? There seems to have been a landslip as one plastic globe is fully 4 inches lower than the other. 

And finally we have Kim’s pregnant sister Kourtney Kardashian wearing this lacy thing by Made For Pearl. It could be yours for £262, but only if you are completely insane.

Why is this even happening? These are basically lacy long-johns with tits galore, designed for someone a foot taller and insanely tight around the crotch, thus falling into the category of clothing WTF has christened Call For the Canesten. 

OK Readers that’s your lot for this week. Keep your comments coming in as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x