wtffashionshark

Hallo Readers,

No sooner had WTF landed back from her holidays  and shaken off her jet lag than two things happened. First, Baroness Warsi resigned as Minister of State at the Foreign Office (with special rights to attend Cabinet as she is female and Dave needs to keep the numbers up) because she disapproved of Britain’s policy on Israeli attacks on Gaza. It was news to WTF that Britain had any policy on Israeli attacks on Gaza but let us not go down that route. Warsi was not a particularly distinguished Minister – as @WTF_EEK remarked, nothing in her office became her so much as the leaving it – but that does not differentiate her from most of her colleagues and it does not mean that she cannot have principles. No sooner had the ink dried on Warsi’s letter of resignation than Tory Central Office started the smear campaign. Pompous little gits with shiny shoes and plummy accents were wheeled out to tell us that she was actually really pissed off about not being appointed to a proper Cabinet position. She was pandering to her Muslim constituency. She wasn’t up to the job. It wasn’t really about principle but if it were, it was misjudged and further evidence that the woman didn’t know what she doing. And so on.

Move forward 24 hours when blond bombshell, London’s Mayor Boris Johnson, announced that he was seeking a Parliamentary seat to fight the 2015 General Election. This is the self-same Boris who proclaimed on no fewer than 17 occasions that he wouldn’t run for Parliament before the end of his 4 year Mayoral term in 2016. But then Boris and the truth have rarely been even on nodding terms. Readers may care to revisit the excellent Eddie Mair interview with Boris which WTF described last year in which he was skewered like a sizzling shashlik by Mair who pointed out Boris’ litany of lies, his betrayal of both wives, his denial to the Leader of his Party of having fathered a child by his mistress and his heave-ho from The Times for telling porkies to his Editor. And yet his return to Parliamentary politics was greeted by his Tory colleagues as the biggest thing that has happened in politics since the last big thing that has happened in politics. They cooed. They gurgled. Dave tweeted his joy. Boris, a proven liar, a man who would not recognise a moral if it kneed him in the groin, a man as incapable of keeping his word as he is of keeping his flies zipped, was going to win the Tories the next election, breeze into the Cabinet and succeed Dave as leader when the time arose. So the woman who resigned as matter of principle ends up covered in shit by her colleagues and the man with no principle at all but a stream of good gags, a silly-arse demeanour and a cycle helmet is welcomed back as the prodigal son. That’s politics, folks.

It’s been a dismal week all round. Let us cheer ourselves up with some very bad fashion, starting with songstress Eliza Doolittle showing more than we want to see.

Look love.  If you want to wear a pair of jeans, wear a pair of jeans. If you want to wear a skirt, wear a skirt. Just make your bloody mind up. And put your bellybutton away.

Next we greet Mr Mariah Carey, Nick Cannon, wearing something entirely horrible. 

This migraine-inducing tartan trauma-fest worn with sparkly bootees is bad enough Heaven knows. But the white polo neck sweater passeth all understanding. Rumours abound that the Carey/Cannon marriage is in trouble. This getup is a ground for divorce all on its own……

Bjork is back, the woman who dressed as a swan at the 2001 Oscars. This is not quite in that category but it is still very bad.

Older Readers may recall the episode of Only Fools and Horses in which Del Boy and Rodney paint a restaurant a particularly revolting British Rail yellow. Bjork seems to have adopted the same colour scheme. And matching tights with white scuffed boots? Yurgle…

This week’s It’s Got To Go is prompted by WTF’s visit to the magnificent Metropolitan Museum of Modern Art (MOMA), full of treasures like Van Gogh’s ‘Starry Night’. MOMA has capitulated to wankers who wander into museums to take photos of the paintings rather than actually looking at them and then take a snap of the little card next to the painting to know what it is they weren’t looking at.  Even worse, they take selfies, in one case actually backing themselves into the frame of a priceless Picasso. It is enough to drive a person mad, which in WTF’s case does not take much. WTF was so enraged that she spent a happy half hour contriving to stand in front of the photographers thus ruining their photos. Just buy a bloody postcard and stay away…..

How could WTF possibly ignore this attack on the eyeballs? I refer to über-talentless bimbo Kim Kardashian wearing Ulyana Sergeenko.

As Oliver Cromwell remarked, “away with this bauble”.  The woman has more money than Croesus and less taste than a baby’s rusk. Fake tits shoehorned into a bustier 3 sizes too small worn with ill-fitting pyjama bottoms and a silk dressing gown billowing in the breeze like Wee Willie Winkie. And whilst we are on the subject, what has happened to her face? Save for her mouth, it is as gleamingly immobile as the Shard. And what is with the open mouth like a fish about to embark upon a blow job? 

Now we have actress Lindsay Lohan wearing Free London and holding hands with TOWIE cast member and blogger Vas J Morgan.

Last month, beleaguered singer and former X Factor judge Tulisa was convicted for assaulting Vas. WTF deplores violence but had the Magistrate seen Vas in a back-to-front baseball cap with his nipples on display, the verdict might have been different. Just saying.  Here is a WTF rule – anyone over 10 wearing a back-to-front baseball cap is a moron. As for Lindsay, not only have her past excesses made her into the World’s oldest 27 year old but she looks as if she would benefit from a bath. WTF prefers not to dwell upon the concentration-camp chic jumpsuit which is both offensive and ill-fitting. 

This is veteran actor Mickey Rourke. 

Mickey was excellent in The Wrestler and also appeared in one of WTF’s favourite films, Barry Levinson’s marvellous Diner, so WTF is inclined to cut him some slack. But even WTF’s good nature has its limitations. The good news is that Mickey’s face, ruined by plastic surgery, looks a lot better than of late. The bad news is that his protuberance looks a lot. The passing public does not need to need to see his lime green lunchbox. This is why the Good Lord invented tracksuit bottoms.

Finally we have Pixie Lott wearing a pink velvet bodysuit by South London designer Clio Peppiatt and Stella McCartney brothel creepers.

WTF is struggling to know what is the more deplorable. The fact that Pixie is wearing her heart on her minge, the nasty dark roots, the nude fishnet tights with the very visible tan line from what must be the smallest bikini bottom ever made or the vile Stella shoes. Memo to Clio Peppiatt. Your teeshirts on your website are nice – don’t turn out this tawdry trash. Memo to Stella – you are taking the piss. Again.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep your comments coming in and your suggestions for It’s Got To Go and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x