wtffashionshark

Hallo Readers,

WTF’s paternal grandparents came to this country from Poland to escape the pogroms and took up residence in Stepney Green. They both spoke English, albeit with a heavy Polish accent. During World War 2, their street was bombed flat and so they and their neighbours, also mostly Eastern European Jews, were evacuated to the country. The accents of the country folk proved to be well beyond the understanding of the newcomers to the extent that one of the old ladies leant over the fence and demanded of her neighbour, someone whose roots went back many generations, “Tell me. Voz you born in dis country?”. His reply was not recorded. Or, probably, printable.

WTF was reminded of this story when reading about UKIP Councillor William Henwood who objected to black actor Lenny Henry complaining about the under-representation of ethnic minorities on TV. Henwood tweeted that Henry “should emigrate to a black country. He does not have to live with whites” and later added that “I think if black people come to this country and don’t like mixing with white people, why are they here?”. In Lenny’s case it is probably because he was born here. But that is the point about UKIP. Every party has its bigots and loonies – WTF well remembers the shudder she felt when Leon Brittan resigned as Home Secretary in 1986 only for one of his Tory backbenchers to express the hope that Mrs Thatcher would next appoint “a red-blooded Englishman”.  Which is polite bigot-speak for “No More Jewboys”.  There are certainly arguments to be made against membership of the EU and arguments to be made about immigration policy, although WTF, as the granddaughter of Polish refugees on the one side and the daughter of a Moldovan refugee on the other, has always felt diffident about begrudging other people entry to the place that admitted her family. But it cannot be denied that bigots are attracted to UKIP in the same way as coprophiliacs are attracted to shit. They keep on crawling out of the woodwork and much as Nigel Farage may wish to explain them away as yet another untypical slip, there are just too many of them to make it a coincidence. These people, the William Henwoods and the André Lampitts (who described Ed Miliband as a Pole) and the madman whose name WTF cannot remember but who attributed the catastrophic winter floods to Cameron’s championing of gay marriage, are not just opposed to Eastern Europeans. They don’t like people who voz not born in dis country. They don’t like people whose parents voz not born in dis country. They don’t like Muslims. They don’t like Jews. They don’t like non-whites. Which is why William Henwood believes that Lenny does not have the right to complain about the conduct of the national broadcaster because in his eyes Lenny is not really a national of dis country. And neither is WTF nor anyone who does not fit into The Daily Mail definition of a proper Brit. But then, as Groucho nearly said, why would anyone want to join a club that would want them as a member?

Let us turn away from politics and consider the week’s fashion disasters, starting with young actress Zendaya Coleman wearing Vivienne Westwood.

WTF has never understood the point of a dropped crotch and this crotch is dropped practically to knee height. The whole look is sort of Bugsy Malone in high heeled sandals. Dame Viv –  consider yourself on a written warning.

Next we meet former Spice Girl Mel B wearing …what the hell is she wearing?

Although Mel’s ambitions for another Spice Girls’ tour have been thwarted (phew!) she has carved out a new career as a talent show judge (oh! the irony!) and now seems to have gone into the Army recruitment business. But where are her trousers?

This is Nick Cannon. Nick’s website describes him as “a film star, comedian, TV and radio host, musician, writer, director, executive producer and philanthropist”. It is a wonder that he finds the time to be the husband of Mariah Carey which must be a full-time job all on its own.

Why a grown man would want to walk about dressed as a bag of Opal Fruits (or Starburst as they are now called – WHY???) is more than WTF can understand.

Next up, we renew our acquaintance with our old friend, socialite and über-fashionista, Daphne Guinness. Yes, she is still at large. 

We have seen Daphne’s ridiculous suspender-tights before but this time they are teamed with sparkly platform booties, bizarre headgear and a cloak last seen on Little Red Riding Hood. 

As for the handbag, it probably costs as much as a Park Avenue apartment but looks like something you would see in a Marrakech souk for 50 dirhams.

In this week’s It’s Got To Go  WTF of Islington rants about the Football Association, the body responsible for running the National Game. Every year the Cup Final is held at Wembley, which holds 90,000. This year’s finalists are WTF’s beloved Arsenal and Hull City. Arsenal’s stadium holds 60,000 but the ticket allocation for each team is only 25,000 with 17,000 tickets reserved for Club Wembley members (i.e. corporations whose directors go there to get pissed). The rest go to FA members and clubs like Wanksville FC whose members promptly flog them on eBay or to touts. WTF lost out in the club ballot and only managed to get a ticket because her friend St Norman of North London had a spare but that was happenstance. Real fans are squeezed out. Frankly, the men running this sorry excuse for an organisation would have to improve 1000% just to be rubbish. Mickey Mouse wears an FA watch. It’s Got to Go.

Apologies to Joyce Wong but here is Kim Kardashian – again. This time she is murdering the life out of a Tom Ford blouse, Haider Ackermann leather skirt and Balmain bootees.

This is not good but the back is the real killer. Brace yourselves….

Yurgle. As Dolly Parton once remarked (of herself) it costs a lot of money to look this cheap. Meanwhile, both the cut and colour of the skirt combined with the (enhanced) size of Kim’s behind make her look like a rhino wobbling on its way to WeightWatchers.

Our next fashion victim is former jailbird Martha Stewart at the Time100 Gala. 

Vanity Fair likened Martha’s get-up to that worn by American Football Great Joe Montana. WTF loathes American Football (sorry, loyal US Readers) which appears to be an activity principally composed of men the size of buildings running into each other with maximum prejudice, like Game of Thrones without the sex. But she appreciates Vanity Fair’s analogy and also respectfully agrees with its identification of the indentations on Martha’s shins as the after-effects of a pair of socks. That jacket needs to be longer – preferably ankle-length. 

Finally, something as ghastly as any ghastliness you have ever seen. Be warned. Your eyeballs may never, ever recover. This is Australian talk show hostess and celebrity Susie Elelman at the Logies, the Aussie equivalent of the TV BAFTAs. You may not have heard of her before – WTF certainly hadn’t – and you will soon wish that you had never seen her. 

 All together now….AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH! It appears that Susie wore the same dress to the same event 20 years ago but that is no excuse for wearing it again. As for the Lion King logo shield struggling to contain those tits, it is clearly not up to the job.

 WTF is not familiar with Australian criminal law but surely there is some statute prohibiting someone going about in public like this. And if there isn’t, then there should be. 

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. It is nice to be back. Keep your comments coming in and your suggestions for It’s Got To Go and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x