wtffashionshark

Hallo Readers ,

This week we have a Baker’s Dozen of Golden Globes ghastliness and so It’s Got to Go has had to go until next week whilst we consider the issue of the sauce Hollandaise that is the French President, his official partner Valérie Trierweiler and his unofficial partner, actress Julie Gayet.

France has had a series of priapic Presidents and its citizens could not have cared less. Mitterand had a mistress and a lovechild. Chirac’s bodyguards nicknamed him “5 minutes including shower” (alas, no man is a hero to his valet). Hollande was elected although he had done the dirty on the mother of his 4 children, Ségolène Royal, with Trierweiler. But whereas the French may tolerate the Leader of the Republic indulging in some comment va ton père, they demand both dignity and discretion when doing it. They disliked little Nicholas Sarkozy cavorting blingily with Carla Bruni and they deprecate Hollande being photographed in his motorcycle helmet on a chauffeur driven 3-wheeled scooter arriving for an overnight tryst with Gayet. This was a mere 150 yards from the Presidential Palace. Could he not have worn a hoodie and walked? Worse still, Hollande was clearly recognisable by his shoes, the same ones he always wears. France and WTF are in great indignation both at the paucity of his footwear and the fact that his bodyguard popped round in the morning with the fresh, post-coital croissants. When running for President, Hollande promised to be M. Ordinaire. Really?

An English Trierweiler would have hired Max Clifford, dropped 2 dress sizes and be seen dancing to I will Survive. The French one is in hospital recovering from shock and allegedly having “taken one pill too many”. WTF is sympathetic to anyone suffering from depression (see her recent post on Jonathan Trott) not to mention public humiliation but sisterly sympathy here is a little limited. Not because Gayet is doing to Trierweiler what Trierweiler did to Royal. Not because Trierweiler is clearly conducting a PR campaign from her sickbed. No the reason is that when in 2012  Royal ran for Parliament so that she could take up a position in Hollande’s Cabinet, Trierweiler tweeted her support for her opponent and Royal was duly defeated. Sisterly is as sisterly does, love. Meanwhile, the woman standing by the side of the President and receiving public funds for the role, not that there is a formal role, must be a matter of public interest, not least if he is currently contemplating trading her in for a younger model. But perhaps we should be asking ourselves whether the official role of consort, married or otherwise, should exist at all?

Let us now consider the horrors of last Sunday night in Hollywood, beginning with the wonderful Edie Falco wearing Lanvin.

This gives WTF no pleasure because The Sopranos was the best TV series ever (discuss) but Edie looks like the badly wrapped parcel from the John Lewis Christmas advertisement from 2011. Bias cut silk is always unforgiving  except on the truly tiny and the clumpy shoes are just horrible, like hooves.  Luckily Tony Soprano is fictional or Atelier Lanvin and Edie’s stylist would have been called upon by some colourful types from New Jersey and it would have turned very ugly.

More slithery satin! This time on Alexa Chung wearing vintage Balenciaga.

WTF has previously asked what is the point of Alexa Chung and to date no one has provided her with an answer. If you have one, feel free to share. As for the dress, WTF has various issues with it. First, just because it’s vintage does not mean it’s nice. Second, it looks like Queen Victoria’s nightgown. Third, it doesn’t fit. And fourth, the hem has been tacked up in the dark. Nice bag though….

Last in the trio of slithery satin is Sandra Bullock in a colourful number by Prabal Gurung.

WTF might have overlooked the unflattering décolletage and even the fact that the dress is creased (which is a particular bugbear) but once commentators had pointed out the similarity to Bertie Bassett, Sandra’s inclusion in this post became inevitable. 

Malin Akerman has now appeared in two posts running which indicates that something has gone badly wrong somewhere with her wardrobe. This time she is wearing Ralph Rucci.

WTF has not come across Ralph before but he is taking the piss because it is almost impossible to imagine a less flattering dress. Malin looks positively square, like a titsy Swedish matron doling out the bargain meatballs at one of IKEA’s cafeterias.

WARNING – put on your sunglasses for TV person and occasional professional wrestler (honestly!) Maria Menounos wearing Max Azria Atelier.

Fuchsia. Tits. Minge Moment. Peekaboo. The whole shebang….

Another of WTF’s bugbears is models invited to occasions where models have no business. One of these is the ubiquitous Heidi Klum wearing Marchesa.

An embroidered net curtain with peekaboo patches. Yuk.

This is Gwendoline Christie off Games of Thrones wearing Giles Deacon.

Basically this is a baby doll for fetishists. It is bad and Gwendoline should not have been allowed out in it. As Lady Bracknell instructed her daughter, “Gwendoline. The carriage!“

Now let us turn to young Emma Watson wearing Dior. From the front she does not look too bad….

But from the back…

What we have here is a glorified variation of the NHS hospital gowns where your arse hangs out and your dignity disappears out of the window. To pretend to wear a dress, only to then reveal trousers, is just a waste of everyone’s time.

Our next fashion victim is Kat Graham wearing Michael Costello.

This is a shower curtain worn over flesh coloured panties. We should perhaps be grateful for the panties but the whole thing is a disgrace.

Another model,  Miranda Kerr wearing Pucci.

Newspapers babbled on about this being inspired by Elizabeth Hurley’s Versace safety pin dress but whilst that was dreadful as well it had least had the merit of innovation. This is just a copycat version with smaller pins and an opportunity for Miranda to show the world that she isn’t wearing any knickers. Like anyone gives a toss….

The next ensemble is just bonkers. I refer to Paula Patton wearing Stephane Rolland.

WTF’s initial reaction was that Paula was being devoured by the Ribbon Monster but then it came to her. The dress was inspired by Icarus whose waxen wings melted when he flew too close to the sun.

Clearly Paula was flying on one side…Meanwhile as @StephanieHanna5 pointed out, her protruding ribcage makes her appear to have grown a second pair of tits. Admittedly as the wife of Robin Thicke, he who pranced about with bare-breasted models in the video for Blurred Lines, she may feel in need of an extra pair just in case but it looks decidedly odd.

Now let us recoil with horror at Bérénice Bejo wearing Giambattista Valli.

Bérénice is lovely, but the dress is beyond ghastly, mostly because those slits surrounded by fur conjure up nightmare visions of a bloodied bear’s vagina. What the hell is going on here? Whatever it is, it should not have been paraded in public and WTF was quite put off her breakfast.

Finally WTF gives you Z-lister par excellence Lady Victoria Hervey wearing a thing by leading Indian designer Gaurav Gupta. WARNING – extreme appallingness follows.

And it is still worse from the rear and I use the term advisedly.

Lady Victoria is the daughter, step-sister and sister of the 6th, 7th and 8th Marquesses of Bristol, in other words posh as fuck and has variously been Michael Winner’s receptionist, a Dior model, a boutique owner (it went tits up), a TV personality and the previous girlfriend of such celebs various . Why any of this entitles her to attend the Golden Globes after party is beyond WTF, as are the reasons why Gaurav would design a body stocking randomly rolled in tar and why anyone, even a talentless, shameless attention-seeker like M’Lady would want to wear it.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep your comments coming as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x