Hallo Readers ,
This week we have a Baker’s Dozen of Golden Globes ghastliness and so It’s Got to Go has had to go until next week whilst we consider the issue of the sauce Hollandaise that is the French President, his official partner Valérie Trierweiler and his unofficial partner, actress Julie Gayet.
France has had a series of priapic Presidents and its citizens could not have cared less. Mitterand had a mistress and a lovechild. Chirac’s bodyguards nicknamed him “5 minutes including shower” (alas, no man is a hero to his valet). Hollande was elected although he had done the dirty on the mother of his 4 children, Ségolène Royal, with Trierweiler. But whereas the French may tolerate the Leader of the Republic indulging in some comment va ton père, they demand both dignity and discretion when doing it. They disliked little Nicholas Sarkozy cavorting blingily with Carla Bruni and they deprecate Hollande being photographed in his motorcycle helmet on a chauffeur driven 3-wheeled scooter arriving for an overnight tryst with Gayet. This was a mere 150 yards from the Presidential Palace. Could he not have worn a hoodie and walked? Worse still, Hollande was clearly recognisable by his shoes, the same ones he always wears. France and WTF are in great indignation both at the paucity of his footwear and the fact that his bodyguard popped round in the morning with the fresh, post-coital croissants. When running for President, Hollande promised to be M. Ordinaire. Really?
An English Trierweiler would have hired Max Clifford, dropped 2 dress sizes and be seen dancing to I will Survive. The French one is in hospital recovering from shock and allegedly having “taken one pill too many”. WTF is sympathetic to anyone suffering from depression (see her recent post on Jonathan Trott) not to mention public humiliation but sisterly sympathy here is a little limited. Not because Gayet is doing to Trierweiler what Trierweiler did to Royal. Not because Trierweiler is clearly conducting a PR campaign from her sickbed. No the reason is that when in 2012 Royal ran for Parliament so that she could take up a position in Hollande’s Cabinet, Trierweiler tweeted her support for her opponent and Royal was duly defeated. Sisterly is as sisterly does, love. Meanwhile, the woman standing by the side of the President and receiving public funds for the role, not that there is a formal role, must be a matter of public interest, not least if he is currently contemplating trading her in for a younger model. But perhaps we should be asking ourselves whether the official role of consort, married or otherwise, should exist at all?
Let us now consider the horrors of last Sunday night in Hollywood, beginning with the wonderful Edie Falco wearing Lanvin.
This gives WTF no pleasure because The Sopranos was the best TV series ever (discuss) but Edie looks like the badly wrapped parcel from the John Lewis Christmas advertisement from 2011. Bias cut silk is always unforgiving except on the truly tiny and the clumpy shoes are just horrible, like hooves. Luckily Tony Soprano is fictional or Atelier Lanvin and Edie’s stylist would have been called upon by some colourful types from New Jersey and it would have turned very ugly.
More slithery satin! This time on Alexa Chung wearing vintage Balenciaga.
WTF has previously asked what is the point of Alexa Chung and to date no one has provided her with an answer. If you have one, feel free to share. As for the dress, WTF has various issues with it. First, just because it’s vintage does not mean it’s nice. Second, it looks like Queen Victoria’s nightgown. Third, it doesn’t fit. And fourth, the hem has been tacked up in the dark. Nice bag though….
Last in the trio of slithery satin is Sandra Bullock in a colourful number by Prabal Gurung.
WTF might have overlooked the unflattering décolletage and even the fact that the dress is creased (which is a particular bugbear) but once commentators had pointed out the similarity to Bertie Bassett, Sandra’s inclusion in this post became inevitable.
Malin Akerman has now appeared in two posts running which indicates that something has gone badly wrong somewhere with her wardrobe. This time she is wearing Ralph Rucci.
WTF has not come across Ralph before but he is taking the piss because it is almost impossible to imagine a less flattering dress. Malin looks positively square, like a titsy Swedish matron doling out the bargain meatballs at one of IKEA’s cafeterias.
WARNING – put on your sunglasses for TV person and occasional professional wrestler (honestly!) Maria Menounos wearing Max Azria Atelier.
Fuchsia. Tits. Minge Moment. Peekaboo. The whole shebang….
Another of WTF’s bugbears is models invited to occasions where models have no business. One of these is the ubiquitous Heidi Klum wearing Marchesa.
An embroidered net curtain with peekaboo patches. Yuk.
This is Gwendoline Christie off Games of Thrones wearing Giles Deacon.
Basically this is a baby doll for fetishists. It is bad and Gwendoline should not have been allowed out in it. As Lady Bracknell instructed her daughter, “Gwendoline. The carriage!“
Now let us turn to young Emma Watson wearing Dior. From the front she does not look too bad….
But from the back…
What we have here is a glorified variation of the NHS hospital gowns where your arse hangs out and your dignity disappears out of the window. To pretend to wear a dress, only to then reveal trousers, is just a waste of everyone’s time.
Our next fashion victim is Kat Graham wearing Michael Costello.
This is a shower curtain worn over flesh coloured panties. We should perhaps be grateful for the panties but the whole thing is a disgrace.
Another model, Miranda Kerr wearing Pucci.
Newspapers babbled on about this being inspired by Elizabeth Hurley’s Versace safety pin dress but whilst that was dreadful as well it had least had the merit of innovation. This is just a copycat version with smaller pins and an opportunity for Miranda to show the world that she isn’t wearing any knickers. Like anyone gives a toss….
The next ensemble is just bonkers. I refer to Paula Patton wearing Stephane Rolland.
WTF’s initial reaction was that Paula was being devoured by the Ribbon Monster but then it came to her. The dress was inspired by Icarus whose waxen wings melted when he flew too close to the sun.
Clearly Paula was flying on one side…Meanwhile as @StephanieHanna5 pointed out, her protruding ribcage makes her appear to have grown a second pair of tits. Admittedly as the wife of Robin Thicke, he who pranced about with bare-breasted models in the video for Blurred Lines, she may feel in need of an extra pair just in case but it looks decidedly odd.
Now let us recoil with horror at Bérénice Bejo wearing Giambattista Valli.
Bérénice is lovely, but the dress is beyond ghastly, mostly because those slits surrounded by fur conjure up nightmare visions of a bloodied bear’s vagina. What the hell is going on here? Whatever it is, it should not have been paraded in public and WTF was quite put off her breakfast.
Finally WTF gives you Z-lister par excellence Lady Victoria Hervey wearing a thing by leading Indian designer Gaurav Gupta. WARNING – extreme appallingness follows.
And it is still worse from the rear and I use the term advisedly.
Lady Victoria is the daughter, step-sister and sister of the 6th, 7th and 8th Marquesses of Bristol, in other words posh as fuck and has variously been Michael Winner’s receptionist, a Dior model, a boutique owner (it went tits up), a TV personality and the previous girlfriend of such celebs various . Why any of this entitles her to attend the Golden Globes after party is beyond WTF, as are the reasons why Gaurav would design a body stocking randomly rolled in tar and why anyone, even a talentless, shameless attention-seeker like M’Lady would want to wear it.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep your comments coming as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x
THE BEST EVER WTF- can’t tell you how much I’ve actually LoL at this. Those around me think I’m odd, but so much better for the soul than more prep.
I got no further than M Hollandaise before spluttering my porridge.
Well done. A triumph. Xx
The best ever indeed.
WTF you have totally brightened up a severely awful week in which I might well have put my head in an oven if we had gas. But then I would have missed your brilliance in cheering me up. So thank you x
Ditto. I personally couldn’t wait for this week’s instalment after seeing some of the monstrosities on the Golden Globe carpet. In fact 2 of my “favourites” (mentioned to Ms WTF herself earlier in the week) even made it into the top 13 and that just brightened up my morning even more so. WTF does it again. x
Well, do these women have long mirrors? I wonder, great commentary, agree with all blogged. I, by life’s accident happened to be in Leicester Square last week for the Premier of the Wolf on Wallstreet. It was great to see Leonardo in the Flesh, a short arse like the rest of the Hollywood Male Icons! But have to say that the women parading the red carpet were a dissappointment, high heels and skinny jeans? How passe’ (sorry accent acute missing)x
I am deeply Shocked at your attack on Sandra Bullock why she would look enchanting in a pair of miners boots and overalls, come to think of it ……
Trev, this post is about fashion, not for you to have a perve-up. Fondest love….
I have it on good authority that SB is the only woman said Trev would leave his missus for. She looks like a sack of all sorts nonetheless in that satiny get up.
Your mention of the French preference for persistently picking priapic presidents inspired me to find a formal definition of the word.
1. Relating to, or resembling a phallus
2. Relating to male sexuality and sexual activity
3. Having a persistently erect penis.
Dare I ask which definition you were using?
I’m surprised that Golden Globe Women managed to look matronly (Edie Falco), dowdy (Alexa Chung), and frumpy (Malin Akerman). I thought they were supposed to be glamorous.
The third. No wonder their economy is in the doo-doo with their Presidents carrying on like this….
That Victoria Hervey (she’s no lady!) dress is already a good bet for worst dress of the year and it’s only January!
I just noticed this, but Alexa Chung is wearing her feet on the wrong feet.
I think the Balenciaga may look somewhat better on a taller, thinner person, and if it had been pressed, and it had been worn with more appropriate accessories, such as a beaded clutch and higher heels in a shade to match the bag, maybe a gold or light copper? Anything but that heavy black.
Lady Victoria Hervey appears to have one leg a different colour to the other and in the sideways view they both look rather short and chunky. Not a good look. I thought these aristos were supposed to be all sleek & leggy, like racehorses? More of a Thelwell Shetland there, Lady V.
Thinner than Alexa Chung? You’re kidding, right?
Where have Kat Grahams nipples disappeared to?!
I think there’s a lining just at the crucial area
sorry …Kief !! have a lovely evening too x
You are hilarious! Love your witty writing skills!