wtffashionshark

Hallo Readers,

This week brought us International Men’s Day. WTF has no idea what sort of jock-strap activities are countenanced by International Men’s Day but whatever they are, they could not top the recent goings-on of two portly middle aged men. The first is the Mayor of Toronto, piss-artist Rob Ford for whom the word shocker barely scratches the surface. He had already been filmed smoking crack cocaine and his excuse that he was very drunk at the time appeared (to WTF at least) to verge on the inadequate. In response to allegations that he had performed oral sex on a female member of staff, the Mayor then told journalists that he had “enough to eat at home” and completed a triumphant hat-trick by getting involved in a brawl in the Council Chamber and knocking over a lady Councillor in her 60’s which he says was an accident.

And there is the Rev. Paul Flowers, a Methodist Minister and former Chairman of the Co-Op, the ethical bank which has recently disclosed significant losses. Rev. Paul is as qualified to chair  a bank as Rob is to run the Toronto branch of the Temperance Society, having only a basic banking qualification and in an appearance before a Parliamentary     Banking Committee, he appeared not to know the value of the bank’s assets.  Allegations now abound about his engaging in various seemingly irreligious practices including buying crystal meth and cocaine, consorting with rent boys, accessing (legal) gay porn on a Council laptop when a local Councillor, doing iffy things with expenses and generally behaving in ways not  normally associated with a man of God.  Rev. Paul has now been arrested in connection with an allegation of supplying drugs. To quote Oscar Wilde on the death of Little Nell, it would take a heart of stone not to laugh. 

It is however an ill wind that blows nobody any good and the Mail (which broke the story about the drugs and how Rev. Paul met men through a gay dating site) is in Nirvana, what with him being (i) a Minister (great copy) (ii) gay (bad) (iii) druggy (very bad) (iv) a banker (heinous) (v) a member of the Labour Party (hanging offence)  and (vi) a donor to Labour Party coffers (hanging offence, but only after torture). And that was before a rent-boy popped up to allege that Rev. Paul paid him £650 a night and extra for threesomes. Meanwhile, Call Me Dave is now insinuating that Labour knew about Rev. Paul’s proclivities and still supported his appointment. Of course, this is pure political opportunism, given the Tories’ association with all manner of dodgy types and dodgier bankers. But there are serious questions to be asked which have nothing to do with Rev. Paul’s personal predilections.  Why was this Colonel Blimp lookalikey thought suitable to run the bank in a game of Monopoly, let alone a real one? Why are our banks breeding grounds for idiots? Is it any wonder our economy is in the doodah? If we are ever to prosper, “this after-you-no-after-you” cronyism, which sees numpties put on the Boards of major institutions and paid large sums of money to fanny about, has to change. Meanwhile Rev. Paul has been arrested by the Police, suspended by the Labour Party, suspended by the Methodist Church and besieged by Her Majesty’s Gutter Press. WTF trusts that he is spending his time in prayer and reflection….

We turn now to the week’s other shock horrors, the sartorial excesses of the rich and famous. If some of you have déja vu, it is because WTF accidentally published a half-completed draft earlier this week for which she has grovelled. My apologies.

Let us kick off with brilliant Barcelona footballer Lionel Messi collecting the La Liga Golden Boot for the third year in succession. What the hell is he wearing?

Lionel’s salary is £7m a year plus money (loads of it) from endorsements and yet here he is in the grey/black equivalent of the damask curtains Julie Andrews cut up in The Sound of Music to make playsuits for the Von Trapp kiddies.

Admittedly, Lionel has form for wearing terrible outfits but this one is an own goal. Oh alright….I’ll stop there.

Here is WTF’s favourite Z lister, Lizzie Cundy, former wife of former footballer Jason Cundy and the presenter of WAG’s World on Wedding TV. Honestly, WTF is not making this up.

WTF took one look at this photo and emitted a squawk like a scalded chicken. Even a battle-hardened old baggage like WTF has her pain threshold. The good news is that Lizzie is wearing a sort of stick-on silicone bra, as identified by @gazaboatconvoy in a piece of detective work last seen in an episode of Poirot.

The bad news is that the said bra is on display, not to mention a great deal of surgically enhanced tit, a lot of surgically enhanced face and hair that started off life on somebody or something else. She looks more plastic than a bucketful of Barbies.

From plastic to wooden. This is Michelle (aka Downton Abbey’s Lady I-speak-your-weight-machine Mary) Dockery wearing Erdem.

The one time that Michelle’s performance had any colour to it was when she fell into the pig-shit with the Man from the Ministry in the middle of the night. The black leather-and-lace creation washes her out and the Dowager Lady Grantham would not approve of the visible bra.

WTF has taken against Pippa Middleton who continues to infest public places with no reasonable excuse. This time she is at the Sugarplum Ball (no, me neither) wearing Alice Temperley.

Pippa is giving us a faux Minge Moment which is worse than an actual Minge Moment as it combines a desire to shock with a cowardly failure to carry it through. That embroidered yoni thingy is particularly offensive. Meanwhile, WTF is not one to criticise but Pippa looks way older than 30. She and her sister need to chuck out that eyeliner – stat.

This is WTF regular Alan Cumming  at the CNN Heroes’ Event.

Blimey. It’s Father Christmas…………

This is very horrible indeed. I give you Kim Kardashian.

As WTF aficionado @sumarumi sagely remarked when faced with this picture on @WTF_EEK (look, we have had this conversation before. You’re missing out. Fact.) “When I carry melons home from the shops, I prefer to use a bag”.

Here we have actor Jared Leto at the Governor’s Ball.

There is a reason why Jared is regularly voted the Worst Dressed Man in Hollywood and you are looking at it. The shiny maroon DJ with matching black shirt and tie combo could just about pass muster although it is very Tony Soprano. But leggings? Fold-over boots? Hair like Bob in Twin Peaks? Eek…..

Julien Macdonald is at it again, committing assault with a deadly dress on another of our English roses. This time his victim is lovely Hayley Atwell.

Oh dear. Oh very dear. Quite apart from the fact that Hayley is far too chesty to wear something like this, the combination of feathery bits and bald patches make her look like a swan savaged by a Siberian Sabre-Toothed Tiger.

What has happened to Jennifer Lawrence? Here she is wearing Dior. For that matter, what has happened to Dior?

This is the downside of being the Face of Dior. You get to wear couture but also you have to wear this sort of nonsense because you have signed up for it. Jennifer is gorgeous but she looks as if she is wearing a swimsuit whilst standing in a knitted tent.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. There was a goodly crop of comments last week, so keep them going and we shall meet again next Friday. Be good x