wtffashionshark

Hallo Readers,

You will of course remember the furore when little Ed Miliband announced that a Labour Government would freeze gas and electricity prices. All hell broke loose. Ed was called a Marxist which he is not. The Daily Mail labelled his late father, who was a Marxist, The Man Who Hated Britain and suggested that the apple did not fall far from the tree. Call Me Dave was scornful and suggested that Ed was clearly planning to nationalise energy (if only) and that socialism loomed. Meanwhile, the energy companies started hiking up their prices by 10% leaving many people wondering how on earth they could afford to heat their homes this winter. If there were Reds under the bed, they were probably huddling together to keep warm.

This week another dangerous leftie popped his head above the parapet and threatened the very essence of capitalism. Only this one was born to British-born parents in Sutton, became a Tory MP and was Prime Minister between 1990 and 1997. I refer of course to Sir John Major. Until this week there were only two interesting things about him. One is that his dad was a former circus performer who fathered him at 65.  The other is that for several years Sir John (before he was PM) was making the beast with two backs with his fellow Tory MP, ghastly harridan Edwina Currie, which only emerged much later when she wrote her autobiography. But on Tuesday Sir John made a speech attacking the major energy suppliers and calling for a windfall tax. He pointed out that the increases were far in excess of the actual costs to the companies concerned  and that there were a large number of ordinary people who were faced with the stark choice between heating and eating.

Before this intervention, the Government’s only solution had been was to suggest that everyone wore sweaters at home to keep warm. At Question Time in the Commons, little Ed was having a field day and Call Me Dave had to come up with something and quick so he announced two policies. The Government would cut “green levies” so as to reduce energy bills and the energy companies would  be subject to some sort of inchoate competition scrutiny. He clearly had made all this up on the spot and he certainly had omitted to tell his Deputy PM Nick Clegg or his Secretary Of State Ed Davey, both of whom looked like they had been shot full of Novocaine on hearing this news. Internecine strife has now broken out all round and Call Me Dave has been derided for panicking.

WTF is not going to shirk this one. Energy companies should be nationalised because heat and light are basics to which everyone is entitled at a fair price so that they can have a basic standard of warmth and light. Private companies are responsible to their shareholders and do not give a toss what happens to those on benefits, on pensions, on low incomes who cannot afford their constant increases.  But as nationalisation will not happen the Government should at least keep the bastards under control, whether through a freeze (unlikely to work long term)  or a windfall tax. And if it takes a former Tory Prime Minister to make the Government think again, then so be it. One can but hope that Sir John is ready for the inevitable Daily Mail exposé of the late Tom Major-Ball as The Other Man Who Hated Britain. Should there be any Major family parties or memorials planned any time soon, WTF strongly advises Sir John to hire those big bouncers from The Jeremy Kyle Show in order to repel reporters from gate-crashing in search of a scoop. Meanwhile, get those needles out boys and girls and start knitting. There is a long cold winter ahead.

Let us turn to the sartorial disasters of the week beginning with Strictly Come Dancing  star Aliona Vilani at the premiere of Thor: The Dark World.

Aliona was apparently furious with the producers of SCD for pairing her with elderly golfer Tony Jacklin, thus ensuring her early departure from the competition. Tony was the first to be voted off as he proved to be a bit club-footed. Her ire should instead have been reserved for whoever found her this hideous dress with its peekaboo top and built-in fanny flower.

Next up we have actress Alyssa Milano wearing Peter Pilotto.

Pilotto specialises in these swirly creations which serve to induce nausea and disbelief in equal measure. This one, which retails for some $2,200 is even worse than the one worn recently by Julianne Hough. Alyssa looks stumpy and the neckline makes her head seem photo-shopped.  The pattern also bears a most unfortunate resemblance to the Estonian national flag, only with added squiggles.

We now meet actress Serinda Swan, star of Breakout Kings and Graceland wearing what appears to be a net curtain.

There is probably a good reason why Serinda wrapped herself in a net curtain and called it a skirt but WTF has absolutely no idea what it is or what made her decide to venture out in public looking like a bundle of washing.

We now meet Darby Stanchfield who appears in one of WTF’s favourite shows, Scandal. Darby was at the Elle Women in Hollywood Event wearing I know not what.

Darby! WTF has two questions for you. Actually, three if you include why Abby Whelan lets Olivia Pope get in the way of her relationship with David Rosen but admittedly this is not pertinent to matters presently under consideration. So let us revert to the two questions in question. First, why have you got such a silly name? And second, what on earth are you wearing? The bodice does not fit you and appears to be recycled from a mask worn by Klansmen in deepest Alabama whilst the trousers are creased, too short and badly finished.

Our next stop is at The Q Awards in London, starting with singer Pixie Lott wearing a Marc Jacobs scuba bra and Opening Ceremony leggings.

No. Just no. Not in public. The gym, maybe. Those frilled leggings are the pits and as for the scuba bra…. WTF had no idea that people went scuba-diving in bras. WTF has never seen Jacques Cousteau in a bra. Just saying….

Here are two more guests, namely Ellie Goulding wearing Alice by Temperley and Chrissie Hynde dressed as a circus ringmaster.

The good news is that Ellie is wearing an actual dress in contrast to last week’s horrific effort by Julien Macdonald, albeit that it is partially see-through and still nasty. The bad news is that she still hasn’t brushed her hair. As for Chrissie, WTF cannot get her head around that waistcoat and stiff collar without a shirt which makes her look like a circus ringmaster with a neck brace.

Finally we go to the Inside Soap Awards where a variety of very orange women paraded their fake tits, fake hair and fake teeth for the cameras. Here are two terrible examples of what passes for British celebritee style. First we have former TOWIE person Lauren Goodger, now a purveyor of fake tanning potions.

Lauren is the wrong shape to wear a white bandage skirt and the cut-out top is more bondage than bandage. The perils of this cut out malarkey were further demonstrated when Lauren left at the end of the night, clearly pissed as a fart and showing a lot of underboob.

But we have saved the best till last in the shape of Hollyoaks “actress” Gemma Merna in a lime green leather dress by someone called Zeynep Kartal who is clearly taking the piss.

This dress costs about £1,000. £1,000 for an unzip-me-and-fuck-me-senseless lime green leather dress showcasing the fakest of fake tits. WTF has said this before but will say it again. Tits are not supposed to be spherical. Tits are not supposed to sit on your chest like two halves of a globe. You would think that a plastic surgeon would have biology GCSE but apparently this is no longer required…..

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week.  You were frugal with the comments in the last few weeks and you know WTF frets when that happens. Be good and we shall meet again next Friday