wtffashionshark

Hallo Readers,

Joan Edwards died aged 90 leaving her life savings to “whichever Government is in office at the date of my death for the Government in their absolute discretion to use as it thinks fit”. Ms Edwards neither married nor had children and after a long career as a nurse and midwife she wanted the Nation to benefit from the money but after her death someone decided that the proper interpretation of this clause was that the estate (£520,000) should end up in the hot little hands of the Coalition parties who decided in their absolute discretion to divide  the proceeds between them. And so it came to pass that the Tories pocketed £420,ooo and the Lib Dems £100,000. They must have thought that it was Christmas. 

Now the law sets great store on the analytical skills of the Man on the Clapham Omnibus or, as we say these days, the Person on the Boris Bus stuck in traffic on the Common due to road works whilst suffering from heatstroke and deafened by passengers listening to rap music on their headphones. This person, be s/he ever so humble, would have concluded that this was a bequest to the Nation. Nevertheless, the combined IQs of  Ms Edwards’ executors/solicitors, Government advisors and bigwigs at Tory and Liberal Democrat Central Offices reached the opposite conclusion, namely that despite the absence of the words “political” or “party” or “pigs’-snouts-in-the-trough”, Ms Edwards had really wanted her hard-earned cash to go to Call Me Dave and Nicky Clegg for them to throw lavish fundraising suppers and put up mendacious posters slagging off each other and little Ed Miliband (on the assumption that he is still in post) come the next election.

And now we come to the intervention of the most improbable hero since 1966 when Pickles the Dog found the Jules Rimet trophy (which had recently been stolen) in the bushes in South Norwood. Pickles was rewarded for his efforts by being invited (with his owner) to the celebration banquet when Engerland went on to win the World Cup.  And what a cutie he is …. 

The Daily Mail could never be described as cute and as WTF has observed on many occasions it is more lethal than crack cocaine. Nevertheless credit must be given where credit is due because The Mail, sniffing around like Pickles in those bushes,  discovered that there had never been a party political element to the bequest despite some frantic spin to the contrary. The Mail then splashed the story under a typical headline along the lines of “Lying Thieving Bastard MPs Steal Spinster’s Savings” whereupon it all went off, the Person on the Clapham Omnibus and all the other passengers voiced their disapprobation and both parties were forced into a humiliating climb-down and had to hand the money to the Treasury. We are left with The Mail smelling of roses, for about 5 minutes anyway, whilst there is a smell emanating from the Coalition similar to what used to come out of Pickles’ rear end. And then they wonder why people despise politicians….

We start our review of the week’s  sartorial excesses with Nicole Scherzinger wearing Three Floor at the X Factor auditions.

Yes, it is almost time for those long Saturday nights when deluded, tone-deaf wannabees murder popular favourites between interminable ad breaks. The good news is that Simon has ditched Tulisa who has left to spend more time with her solicitors. The bad news is that he has disinterred Sharon Osborne and we all know how much Sharon likes being around younger, fresh-faced women. What with that and her umpteenth breakup with Lewis Hamilton, Nicole is not concentrating on her style as evidenced by this hideous dress with its peekaboo panels, throttling throat straps (hereinafter to be referred to as Saatchi straps), a peplum that makes her appear half dressed and unzip-me-genitalia curtains. Poor.

Now we travel to Sydney to meet the former Miss Universe and TV presenter Jennifer Hawkins.

The last time WTF saw someone standing like than they were 5 years old and desperate for a wee-wee. Jennifer’s dress is strobing like crazy and looks like a Halloween costume. It’s August, love…. 

Here is stylist Cameron Silver at the Instyle Soirée.

Thom Browne is to blame for this as the designer who pushed for this shorts-suit nonsense and Cameron’s version seems to be made of wallpaper and is giving WTF a headache.

Next we have WTF stalwart Miley Cyrus at the Teen Choice Awards.

Miley is here because her ensemble is head to toe Yves St Laurent, the design house which brought you le Smoking and other beautiful creations from the time when clothes used to be elegant. Her skirt appears to be composed of a row of leather belts which she has teamed with a tiny leather bra, a see-through shirt showcasing her tattoos and white stilettos. Sadly, despite the dizzying cost, Miley still looks like a Hollywood hooker touting for trade.

Also in attendance at the same event was Hayley Williams, lead singer of the band Paramore, wearing an Elif Domanic leather fuck-knows-what-it-is, an All Saints leather skirt and Valentino Rockstud sandals, which are apparently, the shoes for this Fall and could be yours for only $945….

Here is another one with writing and drawing all over her. Why? WTF is quite fascinated by the leather birdcage worn over a black tit bandage and can only say that Hayley looks very, very silly. Plus her head looks like a pot of marmalade.

This is another newcomer to these pages, Irish actor Robert Sheehan wearing London designers Dent de Man with white Del Toro shoes with their signature blue soles.

 WTF might, might, have got over the paisley suit had the jacket not conformed to the new Norman Wisdom school of ill-fitting tightness and been slightly less, er, paisley but the suit is rendered irrelevant by the real issue which is WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE SHOES? It is not just that WTF believes that men should only wear white shoes if they are either doctors or playing sport but these shoes look positively radio-active. WTF is only surprised that men in protective suits and breathing masks did not storm the cinema and carry Robert off like they did with ET. Del Toro and Dent de Man…go home.

Now WTF does not usually bother with Lady Gaga because she does it on purpose which is also why you do not see the likes of Nikki Minaj and Paloma Faith on these pages. But what follows simply cannot be ignored. This is Milady on a Manhattan street this week. Those of a nervous disposition might want to breathe deeply into a brown paper bag – or throw up in it. Ready? (You won’t be….)

When did it stop being illegal to flash your arse in public? When did people stop wearing proper clothes? Gaga’s horrible Louboutin bootees and her tattoos (yes, she’s another one) provide more coverage than her outfit does and thank Heaven for the bra and thong. This appears to be the same YSL bodysuit worn by Kate Moss  at Paris Fashion Week in March but whilst Kate was flashing some arse, at least she wore a long black jacket over it. No, sorry, WTF needs to go and lie down for a prolonged period.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week, and indeed for next week too. WTF is not seeking the help of healthcare professionals after seeing Lady Gaga’s arse although she would not rule it out…rather she is off to the Edinburgh Festival and will be far too busy running from venue to restaurant to wine bar to venue to be perusing the Internet for fashion disasters.  So be extra good in my absence and let us meet again on Friday 30 August x