That great sage and philosopher, the Reverend Mother in The Sound of Music, observed that when the Good Lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window. At least that’s what Julie Andrews says she said, and as Julie was a nun, it must have been true. However, the Reverend Mother’s wise words did not apply to David Cameron this week. Indeed, the reverse was the case. When Parliament opened the door for equal marriage for gay couples, it also opened the window – the window for Dave’s defenestration. Cultured readers will know all about the Defenestration of Prague in 1618, when infuriated burghers chucked some blokes out of the window in Prague Castle for reasons that need not detain us here. The victims had the good fortune to land in a pile of manure and were unhurt. In Dave’s case, hopping mad Tories are planing to do much the same to him and he may well find himself face first in the shit before the year is out. You see, Hell hath no fury like a Tory backbencher faced with the prospect of two chaps wearing wedding rings holding hands and calling each other husband. 134 of them voted against it, including two Cabinet Ministers. (So did 22 Labour MPs by the way). Outraged Tories rose in the Commons to denounce the Bill, each one sounding more antediluvian than the last and trotting out specious debating points that would make a lawyer die of embarassment. The idiot Sir Roger Gale said that if you let gay couples marry, you might as well extend the right to “brothers and brothers, sisters and sisters and brothers and sisters”. Er, no, Rog, because that’s incest which is illegal. Sir Roger is a great fan of matrimony, having been married three times. Richard Drax, né Richard Grosvenor Plunkett-Ernle-Erle-Drax, opposed the Bill because he did not want “Britain to be full of grey nothings”. Richard has also been married three times. Bob Blackman was worried because gay couples could not consummate their marriage according to the law (answer – change the law) and maintained that marriage is between a man and a woman. In December, The Sunday Mirror alleged that Bob had dallied with a woman other than Mrs Blackman for 11 years. As Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, “the louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons”. Meanwhile Democratic Ulster Party MP, Ian Paisley Jnr (who is still happily married to the same wife) said that love was not the issue in a marriage. People entered into arranged marriages all the time, he said, and arranged marriages had nothing to do with love, so the law should not be changed just because gay couples were in love and wanted to marry. There was a lot more of this sort of stuff, although WTF’s favourite take on the subject was before Christmas last year when Tory backbencher David Davies tweeted that he was not a homophobe because he had once had a boxing match against a gay boxer. Anyway the Bill passed by 400 votes to 175, but the House of Lords, stocked with bishops and backswoodsmen, will doubtless have a good go at chucking the Bill out. Do not go buying your wedding hat just yet unless you can get it on sale or return.
Something else happened this week. Everybody went completely sartorially mad. As you will see……
Let us start with Lil’ Kim looking both lil’ and grotesque.
This is not a good look, even by Lil’ Kim’s particularly low standards, and it is not flattering, given that she is at the far end of the short spectrum (4 feet 11) and has gone double in recent years. The spotty see-through Empire-line top showing a capacious bra, the billowing sleeves, the skin-tight leather treggings and the thigh boots are all very, very bad. But the addition of white-rimmed sunglasses with a grey silk bow is the rancid icing on the mouldy cake. No wonder she is being led by a giant minder, she probably cannot see. If only the rest of us were as fortunate….
To the Evening Standard British Film Awards in London and handome actor Riz Ahmed.
The good news is that from the waist up, he looks great. The bad news is that from the waist down, he looks absurd. The suit may be Dolce & Gabbana but it is preposterous. Trousers should not be hovering forlornly four inches above the ankle. Black brogues should not be worn without socks. D&G should not be turning out this nonsense. The end.
Next up is glamour model and US Reality Star Kendra Wilkinson.
A leather dress with protruding Wonderwoman tits like a couple of wall lights, sheer panels and a minge mask = tarty. And Kendra is glistening like a fillet steak ready to be popped onto the char-grill. But the back view reduces tarty into a distant and unlikely aspiration…
There is no denying that Kendra has a very shapely derrière. It is just that we do not need to see it. This woman is a mother, for Heaven’s sake. Can you imagine the cosy chat with her son Hank Baskett 1V (yes, honestly) in a few years time? “And this is Mummy flashing her lady areas at the Leather and Laces Gala in 2013…” Let us hope Kendra and husband Hank Baskett 111 have the local child trauma specialist on stand-by ……
Proving that some celebs will go anywhere, this is Ginnifer Goodwin at a Listerine launch dressed as little Jimmy Krankie.
For those who may not know, The Krankies were an unfunny husband and wife combo from Scotland. Jeanette Trough dressed up as a schoolboy and her real-life husband, Ian Trough, played her father. It was, as we keep being told, a more innocent age. Today there would be more chance of Sir Roger Gale pitching up at a Gay Pride march than the BBC allowing an adult to masquerade as a schoolboy on prime time television. Listerine obviously has a more liberal dress-code, but even so, Ginnifer’s decision to appear in public as a teenaged boy is just plain pervy. Here are the Krankies….
Actually, there are two funny things about the Krankies. First, recently they revealed that they used to be swingers. If that isn’t a turn-up for the books, WTF does not know what is. Secondly, Ian Trough described an evening when he knocked down magician Paul Daniels with a single punch. Attaboy, Ian….
One can but hope that Kenneth did not design Amanda’s outfit. If he did, WTF would feel compelled to contact Detective Olivia Benson of the Manhattan Special Victims’ Unit and report a bad case of child abuse. What the hell is she wearing? She looks like an extra from Monty Python and the Holy Grail…
As for Kenneth, he is another sad inclusion in the category of Designers who Need to See a Doctor. Those trousers are an outrage. They do not match the tux and they do not fit. What is going on with men’s trousers? There is Riz above flashing his ankles, Kenneth with his concertina trewsies and let us not forget, as if it were even possible to do so, Thom Browne a few weeks ago whose trousers stopped well short of his ankles and paraded what looked like an elephant’s vagina by way of a crotch. Has something happened that WTF does not know about?
All together now…….AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!! The fabric looks like the rolls of cheap wrapping paper you see by the supermarket checkout (3 for 2) and it highlights every bump, lump and bulge. The dress does not need a necklace or a be-bowed handbag whose reflective glow puts one in mind of ET’s heart when he revived in the tank thingy (still one of WTF’s favourite movie moments). There has also been a serious error in the selection of undergarments. A properly fitting bra is required as a matter of urgency. Moreover, the Good Lord created Spanx for a reason and this is the reason made flesh.
OK Readers that’s your lot for this week. It was a bit poor on the comments last week so hit that button. See you next Friday.