Some of you like the politics but not the pictures. Some of you like the pictures but not the politics. Some of you like both. So those who do not like the politics, skip straight down to the pictures where you will find a cornucopia of nastiness awaiting you….. Those who like neither should just go away now.
You know what it is like with a shotgun marriage. The parties are stuck together, not because they want to be but because they do not have a choice. Soon they are at loggerheads. One spouse hates the other’s snoring and farting. One feels resentful at the other’s hogging the limelight and disapproves of the pet ferret. One wants to watch Swansea v Middlesbrough and the other wants to watch Antiques Roadshow Strictly Come Cooking on Ice. Each set of friends and family loathes the other. Very soon, it has all gone tits up, but the couple are obliged to stay together for the sake of the kids and because they cannot afford to part company. So it is with David Cameron and his lovely partner Nick “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” Clegg. They were forced into bed together because neither of them could go it alone. They don’t like each other. In fact, to quote WTF’s late grandmother, they would drown each other in a thimbleful of water. Dave has had to give Nick valuable Cabinet places. Nick has had to break his promise not to raise university tuition fees. The Tories hate the Lib Dems and think they are a load of vegetarian lefty wankers. The Lib Dems hate the Tories and think they are a bunch of toffs. The public don’t like any of them. This week the unhappy couple appeared together for a press conference marking the half way stage of the Coalition’s five year term, grinning like a couple of toothpaste ads whilst bigging up their triumphs. Dave said the Coalition does exactly what it says on the tin (a reference to the ghastly Ronseal ad on TV). Nick quipped that this was a varnish free Coalition. Oh, how we laughed. Sadly for them, some idiot Tory apparatchik was then photographed outside Downing Street with a document facing outwards entitled All the Cockups and Broken Pledges We Should Hide from the Public if We Know What’s Good For Us. Ten seconds with a zoom lens and all hell let loose. Dave and Nick assured us that they were always going to publish an audit of failures but were just massaging, er, checking the figures. But they were forced to publish it there and then and they have been covered in scorn and obloquy from all quarters ever since. There is no respite in view and they will just have to limp on for another two and a half years until the next election when they will probably get the boot from the electorate and can get on with their D.I.V.O.R.C.E. Meanwhile it is separate bedrooms and no loose talk in front of the kiddies and the in-laws….
And now for the pictures.
We start with actor Nick Nolte at the première of his new movie Gangster Squad.
Bugger me, it’s Captain Birdseye. We know that Nick has become a trifle eccentric in his later years, what with his fondness for a beer or ten and a GHB habit which saw him nicked, (sorry, couldn’t resist) for driving under the influence. WTF fell in love with Nick when he appeared in 24 Hours where the combination of his broad shoulders, appearance like a crumpled bed and gravelly voice made him irresistibly manly. And he can act. But no one, however starry, can get away with appearing at a film première in a stained dressing gown unless he is Noël Coward, and even Noël did not wear his dressing gown outdoors and his was in better nick (sorry again). That said, WTF has a sneaking admiration for the beret and for the way that Nick has matched his complexion to the carpet.
This is supermodel Coco Rocha at the launch of some TV show called The Face.
Last week we had Coco Austin, aka Mrs Ice-T, baring a revolting amount of discoloured and misshapen fake tit and a general voluptuousness bordering on excess. This week we have a different Coco at the other end of the spectrum dressed as a space-age anorexic midshipman off Master and Commander in a quite preposterous outfit by Thierry Mugler. (Give me Thierry Henry any time). Coco’s head is wider than her non-existent hips (when you look too thin in white trousers you are way too thin, fact), the trousers are well-nigh unwearable and the jacket is just silly. To coin a phrase, there is more meat on a butcher’s pencil. Meanwhile Coco should be tied to a chair and force-fed toast and honey for the foreseeable future. What sort of example is this setting for young women?
Here we have actress Mena Suvari.
Now Mena is not a tall girl. That is not a fault. To paraphrase Algernon Moncrieff’s remark to in Jack Worthing in The Importance of Being Earnest (by far and away WTF’s favourite comic play, ever) some actresses are tall, some are not tall. That is a matter that surely an actress may be allowed to decide for herself. On a tall person, this Georges Hobeika Couture creation might have passed muster, just about, although the turtle neck top makes your head appear as if it has been photoshopped on backwards and you look like a crushed velvet raspberry ripple. People might be tempted to come up and try to lick you, but hey, there are always risks in life. But on a not tall person, like Mena, it makes her look like what political correctness once dictated should be termed as a person of restricted growth.
Welcome to another edition of Stellawatch in which we keep tabs on our heroine’s progress as she travels the world flogging her highly priced wares whilst looking like a sack of shit. This week we find her launching her Autumn/Winter 2013 Stella McCartney collection.
You will recognise Anna Wintour, doyenne of fashion and editor-in-chief of US Vogue. WTF is surprised that Anna has not been made a Dame of the British Empire for her services to hair lacquer, and here she is wearing the slightly pained expression of someone who has had something inserted into her bottom. But WTF’s disapprobation (and probably Anna’s, which is why she is looking like that) is reserved for Stella, who, for reasons unknown, has chosen to launch her collection dressed as Kim Jong-Il 11, the present, deeply unappetising and despotic ruler of North Korea. This is Kim, and apart from the gut, which Stella does not have, they could be sisters.
Is the Glorious Leader wearing wedge bootees? They look like something you could buy in Russell & Bromley, not that there is a Russell & Bromley in North Korea. In fact, there is fuck all in North Korea, including food, although that doesn’t seem to have stopped Kim Jong-Il 11 from acquiring his beer belly whilst half his subjects are starving. Kim is not perhaps the best role model for Stella, who should rethink her penchant for ill-fitting, dropped-crotch onesies at the earliest opportunity.
This lady is Erica Mena (no relation of Mena Suvari) off the VH1 Show Love & Hip Hop in which she stars with someone who dares to call himself Rich Dollaz.
After the season launch party , Erica and Rich apparently locked themselves into the bathroom of a Chinese restaurant and were, umm, discussing bang -bang chicken before being ejected by outraged staff. Here is Erica dressed, if that is the mot juste, which it most palpably is not, in a pair of old tights with the feet cut off pulled up over her inflatable bosoms and some figleaves preserving what is left of her modesty and acting as a tit guard and minge mask. Even Eve in the Garden of Eden scrubbed up better than this. Shocking.
Now WTF brings you two celebrities at the launch of the second series of Girls, a proper TV Show. First up we have Solange Knowles, sister of Beyoncé. If Beyoncé is Beyoncé, then surely Solange should be Solangé. Just saying. Anyway, for some reason Solangé turned up at the launch wearing this foul concoction by Just Cavalli.
As far as WTF is concerned, Roberto Cavalli and Just Cavalli are only one up from an appendectomy without anasthetic and here is justification for that view. Solangé is pretty but in this ensemble, she resembles nothing so much as a demented kaleidescope with nasty sandals. WTF has only one word. Why?
WTF is not a fan of a onesie at the best of times, and this is the worst of times. It may be by Valentino (have you seen a picture of him lately, he looks like a perma-tanned pantomime dame) but it is not nice and to add insult to injury, it costs $1,960. What is the point of wearing an expensive piece of clobber that makes you look lumpy and bumpy and doesn’t fit you anywhere? It billows where it should not billow and clings where it should not cling. It does not flatter her stomach and her hips and Lena’s horrible tattooes do not flatter it. The back view is even worse….
Why wear a girly bow if you are covered in tattooes like a Hoxton hodcarrier? Frankly, given that Lena has chosen to colour herself in, she would have been better off wearing Stella’s Kim Jong Il 11 outfit pictured above.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Be good. Now hit the comment button.