wtffashionshark

Hallo readers,

Unlike Andrew Mitchell, WTF is not afraid to say sorry. Let me start with an apology for confusing loyal subscribers by first publishing on Tuesday and making you think it was Friday and then unpublishing so it wasn’t even there when you looked for it, or, if you did get to read it, reading only half of it as the other half wasn’t written yet. WTF should have recalled it earlier but she was too busy running round the kitchen shouting imprecations and feeling like a prat, having pressed the Publish button rather than the Save button and causing a sad case of premature ejaculation. So this is the whole post, on a Friday, as it should have been.

Right. Let’s start again.

Hallo readers,

It isn’t getting any better for Her Majesty’s Government. Last week we had the debacle of the Chief Whip allegedly calling a Downing Street copper “a f**king pleb”. The story still has legs 2 weeks later. In fact, he has just announced that he is missing the Tory Party Conference in sunny Birmingham because he might be a “distraction”. And now this week, the Department for Transport had to ‘fess up’ to the fact that it has made a total balls-up of the tendering process for the very lucrative West Coast train line from London to Glasgow and beyond.  This summer, First Group pipped the present incumbent, Virgin Trains, to the post, having bid about a zillion per cent more than their competitors. Sir Beardie Branson took this very badly and claimed that his rival’s figures were unsustainable.  He consulted m’learned friends with the result that a legal challenge was due to be heard this week. It was therefore a surprise to one and all, even Sir Beardie himself, when the DfT issued a statement 48 hours before the Hearing and at MIDNIGHT, you know, like you do, which basically went along the lines of “Dear Taxpayer, we got all our sumz wrong and forgot about inflation and the bloke in charge had toothache  on the day he approved the figures and his budgie had just died. Whoops”. The new Secretary of State has only been in office for a few weeks and has barely unzipped his pencil case. Talk about receiving a gift-wrapped turd. So the First Group deal is derailed, Virgin Trains are back on track, Sir Beardie is exultant, the taxpayer is £40m down on the day and the weatherman says there is more to come in the form of writs flying round like discarded rail tickets. M’learned friends are now busy ordering in the Krug and dancing a jig round Lincoln’s Inn Fields whereas shareholders in First Group are utterly pig sick as they watch the value of their shares contining to tumble. Rather than seeing in the New Year in the Seychelles, the poor loves will have to settle for a wet weekend in Wigan and The Only Way is Essex Christmas Special. Capitalism can be a right bitch sometimes. And Government for that matter…..

Talking of TOWIE (see what I did there?) the Z Lister of the week, rejoicing in the name of Danni Park-Dempsey, is the first black cast member of that distinguished group of intellectuals and fashionistas. Last weekend, the Algonquin Round Table of Essex was out celebrating one of their number’s birthday at posh Japanese eaterie Nobu in London’s Mayfair.

In the blurb for the show, Danni is described as a graduate. WTF is unsure where and in what subject she graduated, but she clearly passed summa cum laude at the Z Lister School of Hideous Fashion Choices. Not that Latin seems to be Danni’s strongest subject, as she introduces herself in a TOWIE video as a Capricorn adding “but I don’t know what a Capricorn is”. Note to Danni – when you look at your horoscope, the little picture of the goat is a bit of a clue. Danni goes on to tell us that in 10 years’ time she wants to be married, have 2 children called Carter and Cartier and have a good career. Rocket scientist? Brain surgeon? WTF has no doubt that had Marie Curie lived in Essex in 2012 and fancied a night Up West scoffing sushi at £80 a head, she too would have opted for scuffed suede bootees, sparkling knickers and a voile shirt over what appears to be a shiny corselette displaying gargantuan amounts of tit.

Here is Anne Robinson, TV’s Queen of Mean and hostess of The Weakest Link, out and about in London.

WTF is not particularly concerned about the Adolf Hitler fringe because these things happen when the wind blows. However she reeled at the sight of the patchwork oranges that are Anne’s legs and she rocked at her kninckles and what WTF has christened calfinkles. Here’s the thing. Legs on the over 40’s are not box fresh (unless you are Cameron Diaz). There is a reason why the Good Lord invented tights. Here is the Word made Flesh. Anne should take a leaf out of the book of Her Holiness the Duchess of Cambridge who is the Patron Saint of 10 denier hosiery despite being nearly 4 decades Anne’s junior. Further, if people must tint themselves the shade of a satsuma, (i) they should do it evenly and (ii) they should match their upper and lower limbs (Anne’s hands look like she is wearing gloves) and (iii) they should exfoliate first, although in Anne’s case she probably needs sandblasting. WTF is however most taken with the Bottega Veneta bag, which is a thing of great beauty, and unlike Anne’s legs and most very silly designer handbags, timeless.

This is another tanning disaster in the form of of Lena Dunham, creator and star of the hit show Girls.  I mean, take a look.

How can WTF put this politely? WHAT????????!!!!!!!THE????????!!!!!HELL????!!!! Apart from the blotchy knees and insteps, she looks insane. There may be many reasons why Lena decided to leave the house clad only in her smock and slippers. Perhaps she stepped out to pick up the paper and the door slammed shut behind her. Possibly the lower half of the ensemble had an unfortunate encounter with a large and unfriendly dog . Maybe it was Parade Your Pudgy Thighs With Pride Day. Be that howsoever it may be, appearing in public as Wee Willie Winkle is rarely a good idea, even in Tinseltown.

For our Stylists who Need to Go To Specsavers section, we welcome a newcomer to these pages, Carine Roitfeld, former editor of French Vogue who now edits her own new magazine CR Fashion Book. Carine took the opportunity of Paris Fashion Week to launch her new makeup range for Mac Carine. The theme of the party was Black Tie and Smokey Eyes.

Er….WTF checked carefully to ensure that this wasn’t actually a picture of Alice Cooper but is now assured that it is Carine, albeit looking like a cross between a black chiffon waiter and Count Dracula. Get the garlic out. If you are selling makeup, WTF is not convinced that looking as if you have just been exhumed is the ideal marketing strategy, although she is happy to defer to the experts on this one.

This week’s edition of The Emperior’s New Clothes features Kim Kardashian wearing a ghastly outfit by Vera Wang. Vera, you may recall, designed all three of Kim’s wedding dresses to Kris Humphries, although making the dresses must have taken longer than the marriage itself. Kim filed for divorce after only 72 days, but not before pocketing $1.5 millon for the exclusive wedding pics in People magazine. Sadly, wearing a Vera Wang wedding dress is like having the event recorded in OK Magazine – it is a fast track to what was memorably described in When Harry Met Sally as spending “a thousand dollars in phone calls to the legal firm of That’s Mine, This is Yours”. Ask Mariah Carey, Jessica Simpson, Heidi Klum, Elin Nordegren, Sophia Bush, Jennifer Lopez and Avril Lavigne. Anyway, we digress……

To be fair to Vera, this was originally meant to be a top and skirt, but for reasons best known to herself, Kim insisted on the skirt being modified into highly unflattering shorts. The result is a camel-toe crisis which is equally uncomfortable for the wearer and for the onlooker. The chafing must be the lay equivalent of wearing St. Elmo’s belt, the device with inward-facing spikes worn by practitioners of Opus Dei for their daily mortification. And even they don’t wear it round the crotch. The cost of this nastiness, including the Balenciaga bootees, is probably enough to launch a credible bid for the West Coast line next time round. All aboard……..

OK Readers, over to you. Hit the comment button.  Last week, you came over  all shy……